Sexual Dysfunction - Tumblr Posts

Neeed to talk about sex, and feeling distraught. Full imagination involved, just need to chill out. Your help could mean my peace for me. ❤️‍🩹

I would love for anybody to come and approach for my solace. ☺️💕🌠

I need to process some shit and I'm hoping maybe the tumblr-verse has some feedback so here is some real talk from a trans girl: my sexuality is FUCKED.

I'm beginning to wonder if I went from hyper sexual to being actively afraid of sex. Or maybe not afraid but like, super anxious. See, when you blast your body with enough hormones to fool it into thinking you're a different gender, it does weird shit to your reproductive organs.

Things I have personally experienced: erectile dysfunction, lack of ejaculation with orgasm, changes in how orgasms occur, penile shrinkage, decreased sex drive.

Things that I've been told have happened to tabs masc people: lack of vaginal fluid secretion, increase of vaginal fluid secretion, hypersensitivity, penetration becoming painful, increased sex drive.

This is where the anxiety is coming in. I have 3 partners(#poly-lyfe). All of them are sexy AF. I am incredibly attracted to all of them, both emotionally and sexually. With every single one of them at one point or another, my body has failed to respond in an appropriate sexual manner. Great example: my ungodly hot bf was riding me and I kept slipping out because my girl dick just decided "nope. I'm done" and my erection just FUCKED OFF. I was super turned on at the time. It felt really good. My boyfriend looked so fucking sexy bouncing on my girl cock. But it just decided it was done. I felt betrayed. I felt BROKEN. I felt like in my pursuit to look the way I feel inside, I ruined my body in a permanent fashion. This has been happening semi-consistently since I transitioned.

So here's what I am beginning to suspect is occurring: I'm terrified of that happening again. I'm scared that my body will betray me every single time. And it spikes my dysphoria so hard that I think I'm scared to try, and that is CAUSING the sexual dysfunction. It's turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know how to stop my brain from fucking with my body.

Why do I think this is what is going on: when I'm alone masturbating, I have absolutely no issues maintaining an erection, achieving orgasm, getting turned on, etc. But as soon as one of my partners is around, my brain and body seem to desync and suddenly shit goes wonky. It's SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. And the worst part is, I don't know how to fix it.

Now before everyone goes off saying "there is more to sex than just using your penis" I FUCKING KNOW. I love to give oral. I love to use toys on my partners. I love making out. I love to do all that shit and more. But here is the rub: while I enjoy doing those things, it isn't SATISFYING to me. I am ultimately left high and dry sexually. Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I don't want to do all of those things with my partners. I do. I enjoy them quite thoroughly. And my ability to please and get my partners off gives me a sense of pride and it scratches the Service Top itch in my brain. But at times it feels less like something I want to do and more like something I do for them because it's what they want.

So where am I now? WHAT am I now? Is this what being on the grey/ace spectrum is like? Am I just fucked in the head? Does anyone else have similar experiences? I honestly have no idea what the FUCK is wrong with me and it's a fucking PROBLEM. I hate that shit got THIS HARD. My body count is well over 200 at this point, so obviously this wasn't a problem in the past, so what the actual fuck happened? I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm upset, and I'm really pissed off at my own body. I feel like I'm not in control of it anymore. If anyone has some input, please feel free to DM me or comment.

P.S.: to my boyfriend who will inevitably see this on his feed, I am simply working through some shit via writing and hoping for some feedback from the trans community as a whole. This is not to say I do not want to have sex with you. I do. All the time. If anything talked about in this post becomes a problem for us, I'll talk to you directly about it in the moment. I know that at any time I can talk to you about this and you will listen and respect my boundaries and help come up with strategies to help get around this. You are wonderful. <3