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@whackacole3

I think the main thing about a friendship-favorable aplatonic would be

a) thinking their friends are cool people

b) enjoying socializing with their friends/getting attention from them

c) perhaps establishing friendships for something they get out of it (validation, security etc)

d) something I'm not thinking of

e) all of the above

but not specifically loving their friends/struggling with the concept of platonic love.

I think I personally view friendships as some form of social contracts. I want attention, I want people to listen to me, I want to talk about my interests - therefore, I get into connections with people where we mutually do that. Imagine playing sims and having your character do certain actions to increase the friendship.

I can enjoy talking and spending time with people, but for my friends... the word love doesn't really fit. I feel like I just don't care enough about other people. I think I rarely engage, and sometimes I do that not because I really care, but because I'm afraid I'm failing this "contract" we have going on ("good friends reach out! if someone doesn't message you first they are a bad friend!" etc).

For example, I made a bunch of friends through streaming, but out of all the people there's ONE person who's streams I'd eagerly join, unless others stream a category I'm passionate about. For other friends, joining their streams/lurking feels like a chore I should do to support the relationship. And even for that one friend? We have a lot of things we could discuss, so I'm not even doing that out of love, but because I get to have an amazing conversation and get attention.

So really, at least for me, friends are a way to get you a safe socialization consistently, and also a nice way to have people that would help you in dire situations.

As an alloromantic allosexual, I know what romantic and sexual attractions feel like. I can imagine being romantically in love with someone to the point I would happily sacrifice something for them. But I wouldn't feel as self-sacrificial for a friend. I would do my best to help them in need, and I could sacrifice something - but perhaps not out of love, but out of obligation.

A lot of focus in arospec communities goes onto how friendships and platonic relationships are not lesser than romance, that they could reach the same intimacy level. And that is important and true! Idk how it is for the majority of people, but for me though... it is not like that :/

Moreover, idk if I'm just lonely and still hormonal, but if I even experience platonic love, it is tied to sexual/romantic one. If I get close enough with a friend, I will start having thoughts about us in a romantic/sexual relationship and might develop a light crush. It is often not serious and I don't pursue them, but I've had those kind of thoughts about a bunch of people. It's as if intimacy for me is tied with romance/sex.

I am just one person, and my experiences are not universal (and different from aro/ace/loveless/etc apls), but here are some points I think could help:

- what does your character get out of friendships? If you don't experience platonic love, then there must be something else tying you to your friends. Safety? Common interests you can freely talk about? Do they want to be around cool people? Something else?

- how do they sustain those friendships? Maybe they've absorbed the societal view of friendships and do a lot of things for their friends, because "that's what friendships are like" and "that's what being friends is". They may be more distant and reach out less. However, that doesn't mean they don't care! As per point one, they are in a friendship for something, so they do care about their friendships and friends. But maybe not really because of love, but because of mutual benefit or something else

- they may have grown distant with a lot of their past friends. I personally grew apart with many childhood friends because they lived far, but I'm not sure I really miss it. There's that girl I was kinda friends with last 4 years of school, but none of us ever went for a deeper bond, so after school ended we haven't even talked once. Maybe your character also falls out of the connections easily and doesn't miss them

- they may have lots of acquaintances at places like school/work, and enjoy spending time with them as a way to socialize, but would rarely if ever pursue a deeper bond with them

- how do they feel about their lack of care? Considering how friendships are normalized, they may feel guilty for not being good enough friends to other people and try to compensate out of that guilt. Or have they done some deep introspection and accepted it? Do they have some boundaries because of it?

- they may still tell their friends "I love you", even though it is empty. I have a friend we often exchange "love you"s with, and for me it is not really a way of expressing feelings, but a way to sustain a friendship (they throw a heart at me, I throw it back). I know I'm basically lying, but... I don't want to make things awkward or try and dismantle the friendship. Plus, even though I don't really love them, I may still act as if I do. Maybe your character prefers not to use any love-based words? Maybe they use something like "I care about you" instead?

- they may also use "love" words when discussing caring about friendships, just because that's a widespread language to talk about it. They may equate "loving" friends to "caring about friendships" in general, even if there isn't a feeling that "love" is a proper term for

- hugs may feel uncomfortable/empty too. So how does your character feel about that and other forms of friendly gestures? Do they like them, do they dislike them, do they feel empty?

- perhaps they can't imagine what platonic attraction is. If somebody asked me what platonic love feels like, I don't think I could answer, and for me, trying to imagine gets a muddy picture with romantic/sexual attraction involved. They may be surprised to learn about the concept of "platonic crushes"/"really wanting to be friends with someone" - "Is it like thinking someone is cool or being interested because they share your interests and you can talk about it?"

- do they experience other types of love or attraction? is intimacy tied to some, if yes? Idk if my mom just did something wrong, but even when I was a child I would only say I love her just because "You're supposed to love your mom" and it'd be awkward if I didn't. I don't think I love my sister either. That's more afamilial territory, but maybe the same things that lead to aplatonicism lead to not loving family too. Out of "non-partner-oriented" types of love I experience maybe sensual and aesthetic and I love my cats (that's kind of parental love? I want to care about them and protect them)

- they can probably have any number of friends (from a small circle of those they really click with or a lot of surface-level acquaintances to chat with, if they're an extrovert)

- when it comes to negative traits, maybe portraying the character as manipulative would not be the best. They may view friendships as contracts, but they may also care about those friendships and people in them. They may even act as if they love the people, just without feeling much about it and being more obligation/honor-driven

- also tying aplatonicism (and especially lovelessness) to being evil, incomplete or inhuman. Evil is obvious (people may have many reasons to not experience platonic attractions aside from being jerks, and jerks also often have their jerk friends). By "incomplete" I mean treating it as if something's missing or it's an inherent flaw to be fixed. If your character is unhappy about their lack of deep friend connections maybe trying to examine why that is and tackling it could work for a story, but I think the majority of people here would love to see an apl that's not there to be "fixed". People can be fine with it! And still happy about their life! If anything, a story of self acceptance would probably bring a lot of joy to apls, maybe with messages of how you can have personal connections with friendship and you don't have to do it like everyone else. Inhuman is also obvious - people don't have to experience love to be people

I'm sorry this is so long (I have a lot of thoughts, so I always write lengthy), but hopefully, this can be of help!

hey, hope this is okay to ask, but do you have any tips for writing a friendship-favorable aplatonic character? i don’t want to get into any stereotypes or negative things. feel free to ignore this ask if you want!

id say probably try to acknowledge the lack of bond with friends? like the character likes their friends, but lacks the bond kinda? sorry if this isn't a good explanation