Sorry This Is Such A Downer - Tumblr Posts

tw: mention of sexual harassment

yesterday i found out that a person i considered a friend (ill call them J for convenience) told someone on our uni course (ill call them k) about sexual harassment i faced last year.

i didn’t want J to tell anyone, especially not K seen as K and his friendship group were literally there when i got sexually harassed and bystood the whole event.

i keep trying to make sense of it but i cant. i cant rationalise it.

i told J about this confidentially. it told them about something super traumatic that happened in my life and now they’ve taken it and discussed it with someone who they know bystood the entire event and didn’t step in to help me whilst i was being harassed.

it makes me sick. J came up to me and told me yesterday and said “i know it wasn’t my thing to say, hope it’s okay that i did.” and it’s like???? if you knew it wasn’t your thing to say why did you? i made it explicitly clear that i didn’t want to talk to K or his friendship group. i’ve been ignoring them all year for a reason. i can’t look at them without panicking or feeling sick. i associate them with what happened to me, and i truly feel nauseous whenever i think about how none of them stepped in to help me or comfort me afterwards.

it feels like something has been taken from me. a trauma that should have been my own to decide what to do with now belongs to people i never wanted it to. only K knows for now i think, but the rest of his friendship group will soon and then all of them will know and i hate this so much. i feel so sick thinking about it.

i trusted J with something so personal and they used it as gossip fodder to become closer friends with K. i trusted J with an awful event and they fucking told one of the people that i directly associate with it.

it also feels like J never really cared about how deeply i was affected by being harassed. or like, they didn’t attach much weight to it and therefore thought it would be okay to talk about it. i’ve spent months trying to tell myself that what i experienced was serious and i wasn’t overreacting in the aftermath. it’s so devastating to feel like it’s all very trivial and just gossip.

i feel so distraught. i feel like im crazy. i can’t imagine doing the same to someone else. i dont know why J thought it would be okay.

idk if i’m making much sense rn, everything feels like a mess