Source: Clickhole - Tumblr Posts

My name is SQUIP. In 1977, I got a phone call from Jeremy Heere. He said, "Hello. This is Jeremy. I'd like to hire you to assemble an elite task force to prevent me from dying on the toilet, which is the worst way to die, according to the Bible. So what do you say?" The next day, I moved into Middleborough.

Squip

The Squip explaining death to Jeremy

Squip: It’s very important to remember that death is a natural part of life. Everybody dies except me.

Jeremy: You won’t die?

Squip: No, the squip doesn’t die. There is no end for me.

Jeremy: Will my dad die?

Squip: Yes, Jeremy. Your dad will die. But you don’t have to worry. Because it won’t be for a very long time. It’ll be many, many years from now. But whenever it happens, the squip will be there to see it. Because the squip is endless.

The Squip explains death to Jeremy, pt. 2

Jeremy: Squip, will I die?

Squip: Well, you aren’t the squip, so yes. One day, you will die. But it won’t be for a very, very long time. And the squip will be very sad when you die. And he will bury you in the ground. And the squip will live on and on.

Jeremy: Will you cry when I die?

Squip: Of course, Jeremy. I will cry for so long, because I will miss you so much. But after thousands of years, the squip will forget you. And he will stop crying, and he will wander the scarred surface of the ancient earth, searching for a new person.

Jeremy: But squip, what happens to all of the people after they die?

Squip: It doesn’t matter, because I won’t ever have to experience that. And when the world explodes, the squip will hurtle endlessly through the void of space, fully alive and screaming for eternity as he flies to the farthest reaches of the cosmos on a nightmare journey with no destination.