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I think one of the reasons I'm more on the dominant side, despite clearly leaning towards being more submissive, is the fact I've been hurt too much in my life.

I want to be weak and vulnerable to someone, but I've had to put walls up, reinforce them. And I got kind of good at shouldering stuff. My own burdens, and others, and solving them. To the point I find myself saying "don't worry, I'll take care of it" when someone is struggling. It's not out of a desire to be helpful, to take away someones troubles. It's that for some reason, if you're in my vicinity, I've unconsciously decided no one else can suffer but me. People have taken advantage of that, and it's only reinforced the notion. No matter the problem: I can take it. I've failed before, but now I know how to recover from it. To work any failure into a success.

Friends and family see that, and they rely on me. I can handle what they can't.

Anxiety at seeing strangers at the door? Don't worry. Go hide. I got it. It doesn't matter that I hate my body, my voice, and I don't want to be seen or heard because I was just starting transition. Only one persons life has to suck, it might as well be mine. I'm used to it. Go be relieved, go be happy.

Phone call from the parents that hate me that you don't want to answer? Yeah, I'll answer it. I'll say you're busy. Go be happy. I'll take care of it.

Talking to a store worker because you can't find the item is too scary? Yeah, I got it. No worries. Let me do the talking in a voice I hate.

Object too awkward or heavy to carry? No worries, I got it. I'll be strong.

Restaurant messed up your order? I'll talk to them. I'll be extroverted.

I don't want to, but if it's between me and you, I'll choose me to make someone else smile. I get called strong, capable ... but if I'm not it feels like the world would break. And at this point, I can't break the habit.

I'm not "the dominant one" because I like it. The switch is just broken and it's stuck on and I'm too scared to fix it. Sometimes I entertain the idea, but when it comes time to act ... I'm too scared to let go. To used to no one being there to catch me. I'll always end up stepping up. I'm sorry. It's how I was trained. It's not nature, I've just survived worse.