When Dawn Breaks All Hope Is Lost Yet Here I Am With My Fingers Crossed Regardless - Tumblr Posts

I don’t want to lose anyone else.

That’s it, in the end. The dominating fear, the lurking thought that rears like a striking snake at the most inopportune moments. We sit on the couch together with her arms around me and I am hit with the realization that she is more important to me than I knew, that losing her would bring me to my knees and I can’t do that again. She doesn’t react when I go still.

There is almost an art, I think, to the delicate balancing of grief and fear. They are complements, intertwined, and one is almost certain to follow the other. I lost him. What if I lose them too? I love them. I’m afraid to lose them. I lost him. I could not stop him. He is gone. 

All I have ever wanted is to protect the people I love. My sister calls to show me an old project where I proclaimed in childish handwriting that all I wanted was to make my friends happy. Perhaps I haven’t changed much after all. My friends remain my constellations, my stars, my Saturn, my Nebula. My universe. Do not pull the stars from my sky. Don’t make me lose anyone else.

I’ve decided that absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, only more desperate. City lights drown out the cosmos until dawn breaks and yet I still take to the streets in my pyjamas for a glimpse of Saturn nearing the horizon or a complete constellation with the fainter stars visible. It’s futile most of the time. 

I never thought anything could distance me from my universe. I cannot lose anyone else. If they are gone, I am just as lost.