When The Moon Wanes - Tumblr Posts

"....um, sir? Are...Are you okay?" Of course Moxxie is worried about his boss. Blitzo doesn't seem himself. And earlier he had seemed in such high spirits.

Hearing Moxxie's voice did something to Blitz. He had just gotten back to the office, having forgotten that he'd assigned Moxxie an actual mountain of paperwork, and he had just stopped crying. But now? Hearing the voice that was so fucking kind when Moxxie wanted to be, the voice that actually meant a lot more to Blitz than he liked to admit...

The tears returned. He pressed a hand over his eyes and shook his head slowly, standing in front of his office door, unable to actually go in.

"No," he managed to say calmly, as calmly as he could, but his voice still shook. "I'm... it... he's gone. Stolas is gone. He doesn't want-- he... I fucked up, and... He's gone."

Blitz wasn't going to break down. Not again. Not a-fucking-gain. He had fallen to his knees in an alleyway on the walk here--his van was abandoned at Stolas's palace, Blitz in no state to drive--and screamed and screamed and fucking screamed, clawing at the ground, punching a wall. The knees of his slacks were torn up, as were his knuckles, and his body was subtly vibrating. Not shaking, not really, something beyond it, a little too exhausted to really shake anymore.

"You don't have to do the paperwork. You can go home... You should.. You should go be with Millie. Tell her you love her. Just--just go. I'm sorry for keeping you here. I'm--I'm sorry, Mox."

"Yeah," Blitz said, closing his eyes. His voice shook with the heartache and the humiliation, with the fight he was losing. He didn't want to break down again. Fuck, he didn't want to break down again. He didn't want to break down--

But Stolas was gone.

Blitz finally understood, but too little and too late.

And Stolas was gone.

His eyes welled with tears and he shook his head at Moxxie, trying to tell him--anything. Everything. Blitz started to say something, but swallowed hard and shook his head again, the tears falling. He sat down on the floor against the wall, folded his arms on his knees, and pressed his forehead down hard on them.

"Will you stay, Moxxie...? Just... just for a little while? Don't tell Loona. Let her... let her have a good night. I'll get my shit together before I go home. I'll... I'll fix... It'll..." Blitz's voice broke. He sobbed once before he caught himself, before he managed to choke it back, and hugged his legs more tightly. Even his tail was animated now, testament to how emotional he was; Blitz didn't like to be particularly expressive with it, not unless he wasn't paying any attention to dignity. But now, his tail wrapped tightly around his legs, as tight as he could get it.

He wanted to ask Moxxie to hug him, but he didn't know how. They would be such simple words, but right then, Blitz couldn't even imagine there was a way. He could barely breathe, barely think. His head ached from the sobbing earlier, and the blood on his knuckles continued to ooze. He felt sick to his stomach, tight in the chest, and like there was just--there wasn't a point. To any of this. Why? Why did life have to be this way? Why did good things only come when it was too late to recognize them? Why was he so stupid? So useless? So... incapable of being even remotely fucking worthy...?

All I do is feel sorry for myself like a little bitch, he thought, more harshly than maybe he should, because hurting himself, even with his thoughts, was easier than anything else. It at least gave him enough of a pause in the sobbing that he could wrest self-control back, and get a few words out: "I'm sorry, Moxxie."

continued from here || @doublejango

"O-okay..." he looked away, rubbing his arm. Seeing Blitzo like this physically stung him and it was awkward as hell. But at the same time. "...a-after I call Loona to come sit with you, okay? I don't want to leave you like this."

While the news Stolas was 'gone', their company possibly in jeopardy, and there being things to discuss beyond that was forefront in his anxious mind, Blitzo looked in no state to be answering questions. He pulled out his phone and scrolled for the number he never called except for work. About to text the secretary that she needed to head to the office to sit with her father. If anyone would understand Blitzo's mood it would be his family, right? Maybe being reminded that he had family would help him? But he expected the usual pushback from Blitzo so he reasoned as well "I won't tell her what's going on, just that you need her here. Is that okay?"

Blitz looked at the handkerchief for a moment like he didn't recognize what it was, then actually smiled. The smile was small and sad and maybe it didn't touch the heartache at all, but that was alright. Moxxie's kind gesture was something, surprising enough to be distracting. By now, Blitz wouldn't be surprised if Moxxie took the opportunity to get a few digs in, kick him while he was down. He was fairly certain the other imp didn't like him much, and this would be a good time, a strategic time...

But Moxxie wasn't going out of his way to hurt him. The handkerchief wasn't the prelude to a sneer or an insult. He stayed. He didn't have to. He could just walk out. They were the only two here, no one would know, but he was here. Staying with Blitz. It mattered. It helped.

Blitz took the handkerchief and pressed it against his eyes, just letting the tears soak in for a few painful moments as he fought to control his breathing. Everything felt cataclysmic right now, like the world was going to fall apart, but it wasn't. It wasn't, he reminded himself more firmly, wiping the tears away.

"Thanks," Blitz said very softly, crushing the handkerchief in his hand, unable to let it go yet, staring at the floor. "All this time, Mox, I've... I've been in love with Stolas. Since our first night together. I just... don't know how. Love is supposed to work. Fucking obviously, right? But I thought he--that I was a toy. He called me his impish little plaything. That's how it fucking started, so sure, why not? His dad bought me for him when we were kids, why wouldn't he think that's all that... I'm good for.

"But tonight he took the book back. Permanently. And he said I didn't have to come back unless I wanted to. And I thought..." Blitz wrapped his arms around his head. "I thought he was fucking with me. Roleplaying. But he wasn't, and he didn't want to hear me talk, he just broke it off and I chased him and then finally understood that he-- I think he fucking loved me. And I reached out and he used his magic and sent me out and he left and he's gone. And I'm a fucking mess. It's....

"Fuck, you know? Just... fuck."

Having gotten all of that out seemed to have helped somewhat, at least; Blitz physically relaxed a little more, leaning against the wall instead of staying hunched in a ball, and he looked over at Moxxie.

"So, uh... how... was your night?"

Moxxie had never seen Blitzo sob like this before. He almost stood there in shock. He looked around to be sure they were alone. He had always known Blitzo to be the clownish type to deflect with humor project on the defensive. Sometimes it was hurtful. It hurt less when Moxxie figured out that Blitzo was a damaged imp like himself. But seeing this  just stung.

“Blitz…” he stepped forward and allowed his boss to sink to the floor, not trying to keep him standing or interrupting him. If he had something to share then it was best to let him air it.

He kept saying Stolas was gone. His mind jumped to the worst case scenario. Had Stella finally succeeded? Had that asshole Striker killed Stolas? Had another assassin?

It might be too delicate a question to ask while Blitzo was like this. But then again, the elephant wasn’t just in the room, it was suffocating them. So instead he went and sat beside Blitzo on the floor. Looking at him, he pulled out his handkerchief and offered it to Blitzo.

“Do you want to talk about it? Maybe it’ll help. I know when I’m alone and bottle things up, the feelings ‘grow.’”

He had noticed over the years Blitzo stalked them on dates, invaded their space, insisted on being called a ‘family. But more and more he understood that the other imp was trying to supplant himself into what he imagined a happy family must be. So maybe offering attentiveness could help. The Stolas comment had him jumpy too but he would let Blitzo explain that.

Blitz looked up and met Moxxie's eyes, expecting to see anything but what was there. Actual compassion, worry--caring. Moxxie wasn't putting on a front, didn't even seem to be judging him right now. Seeing that, looking in his eyes, Blitz grew very, very still. He didn't know what to do with a showing of friendship like that. Being any more vulnerable than he already had been didn't necessarily feel safe, and he didn't want to demand too much of him. Whatever this was, Blitz didn't want to bruise or break it.

"I left the van back at Stolas's place and walked here," he admitted, and looked down at his bloodied knuckles, then at the handkerchief, dampened with both blood and tears. Blitz sighed and pressed it to his forehead, then shook his head. "Don't worry Loona. She's got a lot going on these days, she's been coming out of her shell and going out with friends. My place isn't too far from here. I'll walk, then go get the car in the morning." He looked down at the crystal on the back of his glove, then turned it so Moxxie could see it, since they hadn't actually discussed it yet. "But we'll be alright. We've got this now, so... So..."

His voice quavered. Threatened to break.

Fuck. Fuck this. Blitz didn't want to cry anymore. He got to his feet and went over to their tiny office bathroom, leaving the door open so they could still talk. Washing his knuckles with soap and water stung, but in an almost reassuring way.

"Mox? I'm sorry." Blitz sounded calm now, sounded focused, despite his back being to Moxxie. "For all the times, all the ways, I've hurt and upset you. I kept crossing the line between employer and friend. I was... stupid. And didn't understand where that line was, or where it needed to be." He looked at his own eyes in the mirror for a moment, but they were too haunted; Blitz looked past himself in the reflection, looking at Moxxie.

"It won't happen again. You deserve better than to have to deal with... well, with an asshole." He dried his hands and turned to look at him, then held up the handkerchief. "I'll wash this, and if the blood doesn't come out, I'll get you a new one..." Blitz looked down at it and sighed. This was fucking hard. He still didn't know where he and Moxxie stood, he never did, but at least he knew that he needed to pull back. Stop demanding so much of the shorter imp.

"Go home, Mox. I'm gonna take a few days off, I think. Get my head on right. Just--see you in a few days, alright?"

Moxxie had no such thoughts about taking a swipe at Blitzo while he was so down like this. He sat listening and it only got worse, the more Blitzo went on. Moxxie had indeed heard Stolas call Blitzo his impish plaything. How could Blitzo be blamed for such a misunderstanding. Moxxie bit his lip as he listened and only when Blitzo was finished speaking did he exhale a breath he had not realized he was holding while the lovers’ entanglement was reiterated to him.

“...fuck.”

He didn’t often swear casually. But this was a ‘fuckton’.

“...It’s a lot. Blitz…I’m so sorry.”

But Stolas had given Blitzo the crystal. He had made sure Blitzo’s business would not flop. Which was the part that proved to Moxxie that the two had caught feelings for each other. Royals did not ensure imps were secure without there being a solid reason. 

It was impossible to accept Blitzo's attempt at normal conversation from there. "My night was uh, normal--Are you going to be okay tonight, Blitz? I’ve never seen you like this. I could call Loona to come pick you up so you wouldn’t have to drive home alone. I’m worried about you.”

He had trained himself to not wear his heart on his sleeve around Blitzo. It only ended up with him wounded. But now he was honest. Because right now Blitzo needed that. His friend needed that. They were not boss and employee while his friend was in need.

Fuck, why was Moxxie the kindest damned soul? Blitz didn't feel like he had anywhere near enough emotional strength left for a conversation like this. He'd already collapsed once tonight, when he fell to his knees in the alleyway and tried to beat a brick wall senseless, and then maybe again here. He was so goddamn tired that all he wanted was to find somewhere to hide for a few days and just sob or sleep or sob and not sleep, maybe find some darkness to stare into... But Moxxie wasn't going to let that happen. Clearly. Moxxie was a like a star. A real star, something brilliant and sweet and usually so untouchable--

But he was right here.

Blitz looked down at their hands, his eyes half-lidded, then sighed. It would be easy, right now, to dismiss all of this, to say something shitty, put on a grin, and make all of this not matter, rip the meaning away, rip away the weight, and pretend the pain of such a choice was somehow more bearable... but Moxxie deserved better. Moxxie always deserved better.

Gentle as could be, he squeezed Moxxie's hand back, then met his eyes, remembering. There was so much about that night in the jail that would haunt Blitz forever--the truths he had seen in Moxxie's eyes, things he'd recognized immediately from his own experiences, the fragile edges of things trying to come back together that could be torn so easily...

He knelt. Both knees. Still holding Moxxie's hand, eyes closed now, head bent. When he spoke, his voice was oddly gentle, sincere.

"Moxxie. No matter what. Nothing, nothing could have made me leave you behind that night. You're a good person. And even if... even if somehow, leaving you behind would have made everything else better somehow, I wouldn't have. Even if it hurts, knowing how much of a... disappointment I've been to you. It's been worth it. Every second. Having you here. Knowing you're safe. I'm sorry for--sometimes obsessing over that. There was--

"When it happened to me, there was no one who cared enough to stop it from happening again," he said, alluding out loud to the thing they never actually spoke about, an understanding that had always felt too cruel to just bring up. Blitz looked up now, eyes sad, sincere, and covered his other hand over their joined ones. "It made money. I hated it, but money was all that asshole calling himself my father cared about. Fizz knew, I think. He never asked, but when I'd get back and scrub and scrub, he figured it out. But he couldn't do anything. He was on thin ice as it was, always afraid of... not being good enough. That if he took a single wrong step, all stability would come crashing down around him. Barb thought it was funny, when I tried to tell her. And then I realized how... alien the idea was. That she and I didn't live in the same world.

"But you and I--we do. And I hate it. I hate it. And always have. I want you to be safe, Mox. And to know, to never even have to doubt for a single fucking second, that you're...

"That you're wanted. Not just by your wife, but by your other family, too. This dumb asshole who would gladly kill anyone and everyone if it meant keeping you safe." Blitz sighed, closed his eyes again, and shook his head. "I'll do better, Moxxie. I can... always. Do better." The last statement made his throat feel tight, but the promise was a true one, and some promises had to be made.

It was all he had ever wanted to hear from Blitzo. An apology. Acknowledgement that Blitzo had crossed boundaries. Validation.

But it was all wrong. Blitzo was not supposed to be dejected like this. Not so broken and at the end of his own rope that he was experiencing ego death to say it. Moxxie could not then enjoy the moment. 

But nor was he someone to lie just to soften things. “Those things are true…” he admitted. “But it doesn’t mean you deserve to feel like this, Blitz. I hope you know that. I don’t want you to feel bad. Hey…c-can I tell you something?”

He stepped a little closer, looking at the bloody handkerchief.

“When you showed up in jail… I think… I think you…” it was hard to admit it. “Well, you made a big difference for me. I’m here now because of you.” Now he was swiping a tear from his eye. “You’ve been a good friend, Blitz. You were there for me when no one else was. You gave me hope, saved me. You’re not perfect. But that’s okay. We all need to work on ourselves. Maybe little by little…” he took Blitz’s hand “with time. It stops hurting as much. I know…for me it’s been that way. I can’t erase the pain of the past but the more of the present I live, the further away that pain is. I’m here. Millie’s here. Loona’s definitely here. We’re not going anywhere. We’re like family.”

He didn’t let go of his hand, hoping the sign of affection showed he was sincere.

Maybe it was all of those musicals, or maybe it was just how damned good his heart was, but Moxxie had a way with words that would put any poet to shame. Blitz never felt like he was great with words himself--he could barely spell, although he was always working on it--but sometimes, when Moxxie spoke? Sometimes it made so much sense that the rest of the world seemed to pale in comparison, as if nothing else was half as real as the truths this young imp knew. The things he was saying now--

Fuck.

It was like Moxxie was ripping holes in a blindfold Blitz had been living with all his life and never known was there, because this had to be what seeing light for the first time felt like. Moxxie understood the chaos--the habituation to chaos, the need for it because it was the only thing left that felt stable. He understood how fucked up Blitz was, on a fundamental level--and he was saying family anyway. Moxxie, who had had just as rotten a family as Blitz, who was too smart to choose family that would fuck him up again, was choosing him. Out loud. Actually saying it.

Abruptly, Blitz hugged him. He scooped Moxxie up off his feet, hugging him with a quiet little grunt, then spun him around before he started pacing the length of the office, still holding onto him. Overwhelmed with emotions, he needed a minute to just--fuck. Just get his head on right. And, just as abruptly as he had picked him up, Blitz set him back down on his feet, realizing how fucking rude he was being.

"Sorry for grabbing you. Mox, I'm kinda..." Freaking the fuck out right now. But that didn't feel like a wise thing to lead with. "The shit you just said means--maybe more to me than anything ever has. It... I don't... know how to... I don't know how to process that. How to believe it. But I do. And I will. But is it--can we take a... I think I need a night. Only now that you've..." Christ on a fucking stick, when did his throat get so tight that speaking was difficult? Blitz swallowed hard. "Now that you've said it, it feels like you somehow... I don't know. Took everything that was dark and poked it full of holes, so now the fucking.. the light shines through, or some shit like that, and I don't--" Fuck, he didn't mean to call it shit. Blitz dragged a hand down his face. "What I'm trying to say is, thank you. That helps. More than I can say, 'cause it's more than I can process right now. In a good way.

"I think... I'm gonna be okay tonight." Because somehow, Moxxie had found a way to make it possible for Blitz to breathe again, when part of Blitz hadn't thought he ever would--because he was an idiot, because he hadn't realized how in love he was with Stolas until he lost him. Moxxie did so goddamn much for Blitz...

And somehow, someday, I'll repay him, Blitz promised himself, eyes shining as he look at his friend--

His family.

"Can I walk you home? And then I'll text you when I get home, so you know I like.. made it?" They didn't usually do that kind of thing, but fuck, tonight felt different somehow, with sincerity starting to soften the shadows. Blitz was still reeling, his thoughts going in any direction save a linear one, but he was better now, because somehow, the smaller imp had just reached out and taught him what it felt like to be held by gravity.

Which was, maybe, the same thing as love.

Moxxie’s expression etched in concern. Though his hand squeezed back and he remained receptive to all his friend said. Though usually his eyes had a hard time maintaining direct contact in conversation, at a time like this he was steady, not wanting Blitzo to feel abandoned while he shared such a vulnerable piece of history. It was hard not to go teary-eyed at seeing Blitzo this emotional, this open. It had not been his intent to tear open a wound like this. All he had meant was to show Blitzo that he knew he had a good heart. But here he got a glimpse into more than he perhaps bargained for. But he wasn’t about to push it away. What kind of message would that send?

His fangs grit at the mention of Cash– a man unworthy of the title of father. He had always despised him even from afar. But a sick feeling came over him hearing that Barbie had found Blitzo’s situation funny. All the more reason that Moxxie’s first sour expression of her seemed justified. The vibes were rotten. She had made it sound as if all that had gone wrong between siblings and family were Blitzo’s fault. And Moxxie knew seldom was anything so tangled one person’s fault.

“You’re wanted too, Blitz…” in a little voice, threatened by tears.

He hadn’t known if it was a fact or a feeling, but having it confirmed that they shared in a pain felt like ripping off a bandage. Though oddly uniting. 

“It’s all I meant to say. I know you’re trying. Trying is all anyone can do.”

He reached up, having to stand on the tips of his hooves momentarily, and pressed his forehead to Blitzo’s to further emphasize he was present, there with him.

“Whatever happens with this– the family you have now, we’re here. You’ve got people now. It was chaos back then. When you were young. And when someone grows up in chaos, and chaos is all they know, it becomes what they expect. Sometimes they might even create chaos because that’s what feels more comfortable after a while. I-I know because my upbringing was like that, too. I gravitated towards chaos. I’m not just guessing and soapboxing. But you do have stability. We do. You. Are. Safe. You have family now. Just…don’t…push us away. You don’t have to accept our help all the time, you can decline. But please know we just want to help. And we’re sincere.” he found himself crying. Mostly over the ideas that had been confirmed to him.He didn’t like to think Blitzo had gone through such things. But the tears would pass.

"Thank you, Mox. I will." And although it wasn't something the two of them usually ever did, Blitz brushed Moxxie's tail with his, trying to show any hint at all of how deeply this kindness affected him, how much it meant to him. He had never really understood Moxxie before, he knew that now, because he'd never gotten to see the full depth of that incredible heart. He knew Moxxie was sweet, knew he was silly, knew he was a lethal killer. But now? He knew Moxxie was so much more. Moxxie loved. Moxxie loved in ways he never should have been able to, never should have learned to want to, because he was good man. The two of them had both survived horrific fucking childhoods, but where Blitz's heart had come out an uncertain and bruised thing? Moxxie's was thriving.

I can learn from him, Blitz thought, as they walked along the streets together, still holding hands because he couldn't bring himself to let go. If Moxxie can do it, I can do it. And I will. I owe everyone that much, myself included. A glance up at the sky made his heart ache, so Blitz looked back down, looked over at his friend, and his eyes gleamed a little brighter, losing some of the dullness that came with heartache.

He didn't say a word until they were outside Moxxie's building, but then he turned to face him. Blitz finally let go of his hand, but only after squeezing it--trying to say so much with that little gesture. Thank you, I love you, I need you, you are incredible, you did more for me tonight than you can possibly know but somehow I think you know anyway.

"Have a good night," he said, voice soft and warm, and he touched his forehead to Moxxie's before hurrying away.

Blitz went home as quickly as he could, and as promised, he sent Moxxie a text:

-> Made it safe. Luv you. Thank you.

Simple words. Not enough. Nothing would ever be enough. He didn't know how to deal with the kind of gratitude he was feeling, didn't know how to handle how much love he had just been shown. For Blitz, love wasn't something to take for granted--it wasn't something to take at all, because he had never trusted before that anyone meant it when they offered it.

As he washed blood from his knuckles, tears slid down his cheeks. Shame, guilt. All of the love people had tried to offer, all of the love he had rejected because he was too afraid and traumatized and fucking stupid.

All of the love.

By the time the water ran clear, he had stopped crying. Blitz bandaged his hands, then curled up on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest, and let himself fall into Moxxie's gift:

Hope.

Moxxie squeaked as he was lifted by Blitzo. He was always impressed, though not surprised, by how strong the other imp was. After seeing Blitzo bench guns that had to be three times his size. But he didn't struggle, holding on to his friend-and-boss for a moment, allowing him a moment to decompress. Maybe he needed something like a living security blanket? Sure, Moxxie could do that. He smiled bashfully as Blitzo set him back down on his hooves and rubbed the back of one of his horns.

Clasping his hands together, he listened, head tilted. Blitzo's scattered sentences were still worrisome but he seemed to have stopped crying and panicking and that was a positive. At the request, Moxxie nodded, almost eagerly. Anything to help to Blitzo.

"Yes. We can do that. If you want to visit for a little while you can too. But I understand if you want to go right home." He took Blitzo's unbruised hand so he could hold it. "I'd like that..." he nodded at the idea of Blitzo texting him to let him know he got home safe. "I think I finished all the office chores, so you can use this weekend to recover if you need."

Usually he'd leave it at that. But considering that they were being more honest with each other lately, he added, almost in a whisper, "Hopefully you'll call us if you need anything."