Wizard Shit - Tumblr Posts
A wizard that put a magic sigil of silence on the underside of his metal water bottle so that it never makes a sound when he drops it.
Good news: I have synthesised the Elixir of Life.
Bad news: It immediately bestowed a living soul on the flask it was contained in, which now consumes all my potions and calls me a hubristic fool.
I love how having one particular part of your body skeletonised is like a universal signifier of being a top-shelf evil wizard. "Wizard with a skull for a head" is timeless, skeleton arms are a fun modern twist, and even skeleton legs have their place, notably in Slavic folklore – and then of course there's the classic exposed ribcage, particularly if there's something weird or gross inside that you can strike for massive damage. If you're all skeleton, you're just a guy, but if you're only part skeleton, you're presumptively the most badass person in the room.
The biggest cause of decreasing numbers in wizard populations isn’t magical mishaps or wizard duels, and it’s especially not old age, since some wizards manage immortality through their arcane knowledge. No, the true wizard-killer is falling for the irresistible urge to polymorph yourself into just a li'l guy of a creature and walk into the woods, never to be seen again. Forgo society and fuck off into the woods for the rest of time. Oh how nice it would be to just be a li'l guy...
It is common wisdom to steer well clear of a wizard possessed of ill health. Where a layperson may spread fever and cough, a mage of even modest ability is liable to spew powerful accursed miasmas. For this reason it is common practice for communities to quarantine their local wizards even against the most vociferous protestations until their symptoms have cleared beyond all doubt.
ok. listen. it’s about your girlfriend. you know how we thought she was a crop-blighting witch and we were planning to stone her? so, here’s the thing. every stone we threw drew not blood but like, the black and fathomless rage of a race of titans that were once slain but could not die. and she like, rose from her hastily-shoveled roadside grave as their resubstantiated champion or something. yeah, we’re suffering the onslaught of her vengeance right now. yeah. I guess we inadvertently created that which we had so feared. yeahh. could you like, answer her texts and ask if she’ll stop sloughing our flesh with her baleful gaze every time she sees us. thx in advance
i wanna live underground. in a big cave. glowing mushrooms on the walls and crystals like stars on the roof. no sound but the dripping of stalagtites. warm fire light in a stone house. comfy. quiet. dark.
The masculine urge to become a mountain man. Only come off the mountain twice a year to get supplies. Farm and harvest and hunt and build everything else. Talk to myself constantly. Stop coming into town for a few years after the age of 76. The sheriff finally comes up to check on me and finds the door to my shack wide open and my skeletonized body lying in bed, tucked up under the covers. They all forgot my name so they just put ‘Mountain Man’ on my tombstone. Shack left to decay but I’m not quite done having fun. My ghost lures lost hikers in and makes them keep me company. They come off the mountain rambling about the crazy old man in the hand hewn log cabin with fire in his eyes and leaves on the floor. I was alone in life but I don’t want to be lonely in death.
pretty cool how you went on a heroic journey to gain the power needed to defeat me. unfortunately i was on a cooler, villainous journey
me and the bad bitches i pulled by having matching brain parasites that psychically draw our thoughts together
loomer gf
always looming
portentious
only wears black
"the final hour draws near"
hiding in the shadows
"a terrible fate awaits you"
raspy voice
tall and grim-faced
won't let you think straight
"i need to consult the bones"
Real observations since I started wearing a wizard hat daily:
- Brim is so wide that I stay BONE DRY taking walks in the rain
- Brim can be positioned to block the sun from ever getting in my eyes AND keeping it off the back of my neck
- The pointed top part creates an air pocket, keeping my head from getting hot or squishing my hair as it might in a ball cap
- Hat can easily be pulled down over the tips of my ears without looking dumb, protecting them from wind chill
- Strangers say they like my hat, giving me the chance to tell them that I am a wizard
- When you’re wearing a wizard hat, ALL OTHER FASHION CHOICES become secondary, allowing you to branch out with style
Embrace ego death. Stay protected from all elements. Wear a wizard hat.
the king has fired all of his tailors in favor of the clockwork automaton which produces clothes so delicate and beautiful they are invisible to the naked eye