DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE LOOKED AT YOU?

DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE LOOKED AT YOU?

Me when Trevor Zegras 😽😽😼😼😻😻😻

I’d never seen him with such a fondness in his eyes. Watching with such focus as I lap around the arena. Stretching tall and lifting legs in preparation of a short routine. His teammates simply talk between each other but he doesn’t utter a word.

I see him in the corner of my eye, crossing my legs to gain speed. I let myself glide for a moment before an axel. The music is in my ears, hair fluttering in a ponytail.

The sharp twists and turns never give me whiplash, nor make me dizzy. It’s the sore of my knees and the shouting of my coach that make this much harder than it needs to be.

“Spin god damnit!” She shouts, “You look like a Floppy Turkey! Use your core not your knees” her hair is neat and straight. Bobbed and she’s wearing a thick coat even as I’m sweating through a tank top.

She doesn’t even let me finish before she sees my knees buckling and kicks me off the ice. She sternly marches onward, “get your knee looked at or I won’t let you on the ice. Do not make the same mistakes I did”

I know she means it from the heart but it still hurts. After giving something your all and still not being good enough. Even though she doesn’t say it it still sucks.

I see him again, still watching me as I plop down next to him to put my guards on. “You were good out there. Really uh delicate on the ice”

I purse my lips and smile and nod deciding to take my skates off and put in my shoes. “Thank you, I’m sorry we took so long. I heard your rink got closed for maintenance” I apologize and make idle conversation with him

“Yeah, don’t be sorry, the boys weren’t to keen but I think we should all be grateful to be skating, right?”

I smile and nod, “y/n” I introduce myself

“Trevor.. maybe I’ll uh see you around” he smiles, “oh do you have a pen?”

I nod and give it to him, he takes my arm and writes his number on it, “I really hope you don’t have a boyfriend”

“It’s a good thing I don’t I guess”

SMELLS & SUMMER

Reminiscing as a Persian girl who wanted so badly to be white

Someone told me that you can smell death in your finals hours. Sweet; sour. Reminiscent of childhood.

For me I would think it might smell like pistachio and rosewater ice cream and hot summer nights on my grandmothers Persian carpets. Sweating as I toss and turn in these musty sleeping bags.

Sitting up late with my dad as we watch cat videos and drink tea; I’ll tell him my feelings and those moments are some that I’ll still love as I die.

I love the summer; memories of laying in the grass as the sprinklers go off. Jumping into the cool pool from the toasted hot tub. Screaming underneath water.

I think death doesn’t smell like charred flesh, smoke and fire. I think death smells like childhood, wet grass. Fairy potions, bike tires. Falling on the asphalt. The burn of my bare feet

My childhood summers were spent in car rides to Los Angeles, seeing my grandparents. My bubba. Sitting on his lap as he tells me stories of the military, my grandmother teaching me to make Kabab Koobideh. She always told me to be proud of my heritage.

“Love yourself before you love someone else” she would tell me; kissing all over my face and my hair.

We would eat pistachios and other Persian treats together as she would paint me in the sunset; she would spend hours on my paintings. Making sure she got every freckle, loose eyelash, and curl in my hair.

She kissed the blonde strands that covered my face. The brunette that shone through.

I used to cry because I wasn’t white and blonde, cried because I wasn’t skinny enough to fit into my friends jeans. I bawled because my hair wasn’t blonde and it wasn’t pin straight. Was upset because I tanned so quickly while my friends burned.

Sat staring at myself in the mirror as my mother put her powder on my face and someone thought I was sick.

I’m older now; still struggling to love myself because I see my friends ‘tan’ be my pale. And through all of this; somehow I still feel like a fraud.

A Persian girl but I don’t speak Farsi, white but not white enough to be white. Persian but you can tell that I’m not 100%

But I don’t think that matters anymore. Because that was in the 2000’s. When being the whitest of white was trendy; but now I see myself. My culture and my body become a trend and I can’t help but feel used.

Maybe a little abused as I look at the little me who just wanted to be like everyone else

HOW YOU GET THE GIRL

Mat Barzal x fem!oc

Series Masterlist

(TW: drinking)

Three

I don’t like going out often, going out is a once in a blue moon occasion. I’m scared; but also nervous. Nervous because what if— if he is the one who unravels my plans. Makes me want to fall in love again. I’m so focused on the what ifs as I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering if the baggy jeans look good with this white cropped tee.

Mat Barzal sent you a text !

I click my phone open and read through the message

Mat Barzal

Hey; I know I said I would pick you up and I’m so sorry that I can’t tn. My friends girlfriend said she was willing to bring you. She’s super nice I promise. I’ll meet up with you as soon as I can. Pinky swear ❤️

Emma Miller

No yeah that’s alr

What do I talk to her about tho…

Mat Barzal

She likes books!! She’s the one I got Romeo and Juliet for!

It was her bday!!

That and I needed a reason to talk to you

Emma Miller

K, does she have my info?

Mat Barzal

Yeah I can send it to her rn; are you cool wearing my jersey?

Emma Miller

I’ll wear it, as long as it’s clean?

Mat Barzal

Ofc it’s clean, I gtg but I can’t wait to see you.

I feel a little bad for leaving him on seen but I did get his message; I go back to curling my hair and doing my makeup. I feel a brush of butterflies in my stomach.

I need to shut that down ASAP, but I really want to enjoy this. Because I know how it’s going to end.

607-914-9290

Hey Emma, I’m mats teammates girlfriend; what’s ur address so I can come pick u up 😨😨 also my name is Kasra

Emma Miller changed 607-914-9290 name to Kasra

Emma Miller

Yeah! Ok

Emma Miller shared her address

Kasra Bahman

Ok ok!! Can’t wait to see you 😍

I like her, she seems nice. I apply a little more blush before putting in my gold hoops before doing a little spin in the mirror. Af1s and a white leather backpack to carry some essentials in. Tampons, gum, tiny mascara, brush, perfume. Pepper spray. Everything a girl could ever need.

My phone buzzes and I do one last check in the mirror before walking out of my apartment and smiling as I see a girl wave at me. Her dark hair set into waves, wide eyes and those perfect eyebrows.

“Hey hey” Kasra smiles, “it’s so nice to finally meet you. Don’t tell anyone but Mat talks about you quite a bit”

I laugh and buckle myself up as we start the drive to the arena, “don’t take this as rude— but why are you picking me up instead of Mat?”

“Oh, yeah.. sometimes at home games the islanders have the team like do media management and walk ins. He was bummed not being able to pick you up” She says, leaning back a bit, “Bo was bummed out too; because usually he picks me up but I don’t mind driving you!” She clarifies looking at my unease

“Ohh, he must be your boyfriend?” I inquire as I apply some lipgloss to my lips

“Yeah” She grins; blushing and tapping her left foot against the footwell, “hes so perfect for me”

I smile at her, “your last name is Bahman right?”

“Yeah”

“Are You— Persian?”

“Yes! I am, are you?”

“Yes!” I cheer out, “my moms name is Amira! My dads white though”

“Oh how amazing is that”

I catch up to Mat fairly quickly, “hey, here’s one of my jerseys, it’s clean. Don’t worry” he smiles at me then quickly wrapping me into a hug after I put his jersey on, “this is so embarrassing to admit out loud” he whispers into my ear

“What is?” I whisper back, wrapping my arms around his neck

“How glad I am that you’re here… and how good you look in my jersey” he is soft to admit it and I allow myself a moment to run my fingers through his hair.

“Mm, I like this too..” I reply as his hands hold my back into him.

“I’ll see you after”

I kiss his cheek and push a bit of his hair out of his face, “good luck.. be safe”

I feel so cheesy; how blushy I am. How much I want to keep my fingers in his hair and hold him forever. How well I fit into him. How my heart jumps a little every time he gets slammed into the shields.

Kasra rubs my knee, “it doesn’t get easier. If that’s what you’re thinking. But it lessens.. the anxiety” she informs, gently patting before she moves to holding my hand again

“I just— ah I don’t want him to get hurt” I confess, “this is all so new to me”

She smiles, “drink. Oh baby drink like a fish” she laughs a little and I watch as Mat almost zooms past. I’d like to thing he caught a glimpse of me and that’s why he tripped over his own skates. But I think his laces were undone.

I’m sipping my second beer when the game ends, isles winning 4 to 3. I would feel bad for the Devils as they’re my home team but.. I’m proud of mat.

I follow Kasra as she greets her boyfriend; wrapping him up in a swift kiss and looking him over for cuts and bruises, “hey” Mat speaks out from behind me, “how was the game? Did you have fun?” He asks as I turn around and smile at him

“Yes, yes it was fun. You got slammed hard are you like uh— ok?” I ask him as he puts a arm around my shoulders.

“Yeah; I’m fine. Can I still take you out to dinner?”

“Mmh” I hum, “I don’t really feeling like going out out if you wanted to order in or something?”

“Yeah, honestly me too. We could go to my house and watch a movie. Get pizza? I have wine” He offers

“I don’t say no to wine”

By late late into the night I’m laid on Mat’s couch fairly drunk and absolutely rounchousing half of a pizza. He’s drinking wine and we’re talking and drinking, “so you work an office job” he asks; almost astonished at my confession

“Yeah, managing market sales. It’s alright. Not anything I’m too passionate about” I admit, allowing myself a moment to lean into him, “you don’t eat the crust?” I ask. Giving him that same wide eyed look he gave me

“No. Of-course not”

“You’re insane” I gasp out taking the crust off the box and dipping it into ranch

“Ok what’s even more insane is that you eat pizza with ranch!”

I laugh; that hearty deep soul laughter that has you rolling and wheezing. It’s probably the two glasses of wine I’ve had and the shitty beer during the game but I’m laughing. Laugh so hard I can’t breathe.

Even Mat’s laughing. The kind of laugh that’s deep and makes you stare with those kind of heart eyes.

He leans in a little, his ears turned pink a little. Hand nervously getting closer to mine. I can smell the wine on his breath and my heart speeds up, “I really.. really want to kiss you”

A little nob lodges into my throat. And I’m finding myself pulling away, “I can’t date you” I whisper out his eyebrows quirk, “because you’re going to want to get married and I can’t get married”

“Why.. Are you already married?” He asks. Sitting back

“No. It’s such a long story. I’m scared to get married. And you seem like the guy who wants to get married”

He nods slowly, “I do. But I also really like you” he admits, “I’ve come into that bookstore like seventeen times hoping to see you”

“I-“ I put my heads in my hands

“Emma. I really want you to be my girlfriend. And if that’s something you don’t do then I guess that’s ok”

“I- but what if you want to get married” I ask him, looking up at him

“I don’t need to be married. I don’t even know if I want to get married” he admits, “but if I do. I’m mature enough to communicate that. And I don’t expect to change your mind or anything”

I lean back, “I’m scared I’m going to fall so in love with you and you’re going to break my heart. Shatter it right into bits”

“I’m already in love with you, I’ll try not to. I will” He says, “and you can be my girlfriend forever. You never have to be my wife unless that’s something you want”

“I..” I nervously pick at my fingers, “I can try— I’ve been told I’m not the best girlfriend”

“Can I Kiss You?”

“Yeah. Yes you can kiss me”

HOW YOU GET THE GIRL

Mat Barzal x fem!oc

Series Masterlist

ONE

I only like the bookstore during the night, when it’s slow and nobody’s around. The lights are flickering and the town suddenly goes quiet in contrast with the bustle of the busy mornings and heavy traffic of the day.

I only work here on the weekends for the closing shifts or the opening ones. Something to make a little more money to fall back on besides my adult corporate job. My parents are proud, more my father than my mother that I’ve begun my climb up the corporate ladder.

I don’t hate my job, far from it. Simply the long hours and bossy bosses that make me pull at my fingers and tug at my hair. Especially with my youth and admitted naivety, those at my job can be wary about me either in the break room or being hesitant to invite me out for drinks.

I’ve been told by my therapist that I rushed my childhood, skipping grades and taking collage classes while also taking highschool classes at the same time. I want to fight her on it, claim that I did have a childhood and had dreams but I know that I’m defending something I never had.

Two parents who were always fighting; hated eachother but swore to stay together because of their vows, “Hey Bella” I smile at the older lady standing at the counter as I tuck behind into the back room and set my purse onto the table and wrapping my apron around my body, “slow day?” I ask as I switch from heels to converse.

“Yeah, it’s the middle of the school season so all the kidlets are probably studying” she sighs out rubbing her tired eyes, “ok, I’m off. Be safe. Please” she reminds me as she pats my shoulder, “I’ll need you to come in a bit earlier tomorrow for the opening shift, we’re getting a new shipment of books for the month”

“Uhh, yeah yeah I can do that, so 5:30 instead of six?” I clarify, as I clock myself in on the timetable next to the register.

“Yes, thank you Emma. You’re a doll” She smiles and blows me a kiss exiting the building as the cold wind brushes against her; gently pulling at the greying blonde hair that’s always been tucked into a a little bun.

I turn on some music to keep my mind from straying as I walk around the store. Gently brushing my fingers against the creased spines and occasional leather covered book. Those nice collectors editions are always Romeo and Juliet, or Hamlet.

Personally I’ve thought Romeo and Juliet a bit childish and immature, but I’ve always been told I’m looking at it from a modern perspective. I believe that Romeo and Juliet is the way to not fall in love.

But then again, that’s coming from the girl who watched her parents try and fix an already broken marriage by having an abundance of kids and forcing themselves to stay together even though, everyone’s known they’d be better apart. Even their own kids.

I tidy up the reading corner, setting the old book. Princess and the pea back onto the shelf and searching for the one tomorrow.

My my fingers pull and push against the covers of the kids books, looking for something different. I don’t pay attention when the bell jingles and jangles while I hear a heavy step quickly become softer. I hear them physically relax as they walk the isles.

I eventually decide on a book with a unicorn and a blonde girl. Something I fondly remember of my own childhood.

I stretch up a little and let my hair down from its clip, it falls unevenly against my shoulders but I don’t mind or even care that much. This bookstore is my happy place; where I am safe and content within my own body. Here I will never care what I look like.

I view the man searching in the fiction section, something specific I can tell by his body language. If he needs help I’ll allow him to ask; yet I’m wary of going up to a man and guiding him to the book.

When he finally notices me watching him he turns around and asks, “do you know where I can find ‘The road’ it’s uh. Geez by I think by Cormac McCarthy?” He stumbles out; slowly dragging a hand across his face and brushing his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes.

His face is soft but sharp; his eyes evoke a warm bubbly feeling inside me. Eyes that make me feel comfortable being alone with him, “yes, I believe we only have a few left” I tell him, walking off to a different section of the store, “I know, our shop is set up weird” I explain.

“And why’s that?” He inquires, his pace isnt rushed or faster than mine. But relaxed and nonchalant. As if he has all the time in the world.

“The original owners, she has a special section called ‘Meine Leibe’ which I think translates to ‘My loves’ or ‘my life’ once she passed her daughter kept it the same so this little section would always be here for her. I find it endearing” I know I ramble on a bit but I’ve suddenly grown afraid of having a silence against the two of us

“It is, it’s just a little place with all her favorite books?” He keeps asking, as I turn into the cozy little corner. I thumb through the alphabetical order.

“Yeah, her favorite chair, pillows. Shannon was such a kind lady” I reminisce, “here is The Road, is there anything else I can help you with? Or will that be all for today?”

“Uhh, ha unless you have ‘The deal’ by Elle Kennedy then I’ll take that too” I think he’s being sarcastic but I can’t really tell.

“I think we do, are you a hockey fan?” I ask walking to the romance section.

“I guess you could say that, do you watch?” He asks, “do you need a hand?”

“I watch a bit, just the New Jersey Devils with my dad. Yeah it’s just above there” I point, even on my tip toes the store has ceiling high bookshelves. And because it’s night the ladders been locked up. I move to the side as he grabs the book.

“Are you from Jersey?”

“Yeah, I lived there before I came to New York for a work deal”

“I’m going to assume it’s not this job.. right?” As he makes his way to the register and I slink behind the counter

“Yeah, my uh big girl job as my mom likes to address it as” I hear the roll in my eyes as I scan the bar codes and ring him up, “will that be with cash or card?”

“Card” He pulls his wallet out of the front pocket of his jacket, “thank you”, he checks for my name eyes staring just above but also at my chest.

I poke my eyebrows up at him praying to god this man isn’t looking at my tits directly; not even with the slightest bit of discretion.

“I’m uh looking for your name to thank you— I swear I’m not looking at your uh. You know boobs” he almost whispers out the last bit before continuing, “not that they aren’t nice or anything but uh” the tips of his ears turn pink and his cheeks suddenly become flushed, “I will just pay now” he groans out softly; handing me his card and rubbing his eyes with his hands.

I ring him up and he puts his pin in, “thank you again, you never told me your name” he questions for that piece of information

“Emma”

“Thank you Emma, have a good evening” he purses his lips and grabs his books. Hands shaking as he smiles and starts to leave.

“You too, wait” I lean over the bar slightly, “you never told me your name?”

“Mat”

“Alright then, have a good evening Mat. Come back soon”

The door jingles as he leaves and I watch him through the window, I see him sigh and smack his books against his head. Though I don’t exactly hear what he says; noises muffled through the glass and the music.

“Huh. What a strange guy”

I WANT YOU

Jamie Drysdale

Me when Mitski 😭😭

It’s him. It’s always been him, no matter the circumstance or the choices I’ve made. Everything I’ve wanted and everything I needed has always been him.

He’s standing there, looking at me like he always looked at me. Soft and kindly a little wobbly like a newborn deer. Standing in the doorway, the light cascades over him. Painting him in this angelic light.

I want to go to him, a string that tugs at my heart and pulls with the strength of a thousand men. I want him so badly. To go to him and be in that warmth he provides me.

I’m stuck in the car, unmoving. My hands feel like their glued to the steering wheel. My lungs can barely function and I don’t know what to do. Nothing could’ve ever prepared me for this.

I want to scream and shout, run up to him and kiss him. Scream in his face and hit him; kiss his face as I tell him how much I love him.

I drag myself out of the car. I walk slowly as I keep eye-contact with him. Finally he engulfs me in a hug.

The door closes and I slide to the floor. A heap of sobs, clutching onto his arms as I cry.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why!” I cry out as he wraps himself around me. Holding me like this, this is why I fell in love with him. Even though I knew it could never work out with us.

“I love you” he tells me

“It’ll never work with us, Jamie please. My heart, it can’t” I whisper against his lips, “Jamie..”

He closes the gap between us and I crawl onto him, his hands rake through my hair gripping onto my scalp in a needful desire for each other.

“It’s always been you Jamie” I finally confess, the words choke out in this sad little mess of gasps and sobs.

“I know”

ALL THE LOVE

Nico Hischier insta edit 😋😋😋

NICOHISCHIER

*my love mine all mine - Mitski

Liked by; trevorzegras jamiedrysdale nhl jackhuges newjerseydevils lukehuges y/nbooks

Liebe meine libens

COMMENTS:

Trevorzegras - I’m going to be alone forever :(

Y/nbooks - sorry bubs

Newjerseydevils - Mr. Captain and Mrs. Captain

Nicohischier - It’ll be official soon 😉

Y/nbooks - loml ❤️

Nicohischier - I love you infinity more

Jackhuges - the cutest

Y/NBOOKS

*I can see you (Taylor’s version) - Taylor Swift

Liked by ; Nicohischier jamiedrysdale nhl newjerseydevils lukehuges Jackhuges

Always and forever

COMMENTS:

Jamiedrysdale - coolest couple

Y/nbooks - luv ya Jammie

Trevorzegras - set me up w ur mom plz

Y/nbooks - im blocking you

Trevorzegras - NO PLEASE IM SORRY

Nicohischier - love you to the moon and back

Y/nbooks - love u too bubbas

Newjerseydevils - cap needs to wife u up

Y/nbooks - facts!!