Aloonyspinster - I’m Having A Mental Breakdown

One Month

So it’s been a month and I’ve learned a couple of things about everyone around me and the place I have to call “home”:

I’m a bitch, and that’s ok (I think) - Yesterday I found out my good ol’ grand daddy gave some precious shoes away (I assume by this number of months cleaning the place they have found my jazz shoes) and probably other stuff, without informing us, THE OWNERS of those things. He could have asked us if we still need the thing or not, but instead gave it to some of our relatives and even strangers! I knew he was a bit of a jerk when he talked to my mom like she’s nothing (”huwag kang magsalita” but she said it didnt fazed her), but this one is some teleserye plot waiting to happen but since we refuse to do anything about it because we physically can’t, no emotional outbursts are gonna happen.

FOR NOW.

Basically my grand daddy’s an ass, my dad’s an ass (I found out some marriage breaking stuff about him), my grand mommy’s a pain in the ass. Who knew?

Everything is by car, or bus - Well I guess I can’t walk my fat off anymore. Wanna go to the mall? take the bus! Or buy a car! Wanna go to a park or something? Take the bus! Or buy a car! Wanna buy some tampons in the nearest drug mart? Buy a damn car!!!

TBH I really, really, REALLY miss chasing a bus down or a jeep and riding the tricycle and walking. Like, I thought I could never hate anything more than the distance between the MRT station to the school, but now I miss it so much (especially all the stories that have been told while walking down the rotten mango road) now that I can’t fit in my favorite jeans (it had to be a pair of jeans to motivate me to exercise, not family insults).

Some stuff are waaaaaaaayyyyy lot cheaper than those in the Philippines - I cannot stress this sentence enough. My dad recently bought me 10 pairs of socks and a nice necklace for $15. So, That’s like P510-525 there, but usually 3 pairs of socks costs 150 up depending on the brand (usually people tend to buy Burlington so let’s leave it at P175x3=525), and then a long necklace (the smaller the design the more money it costs for some weird reason) would cost 175 to 200. I saved a few pesos without losing the quality and all. Also: Dollarama, my new favorite for everything cheap like me.

Garage Sale. - Enough said, yo.

You see more Filipinos than Canadians - I guess it’s nice and all, but my relatives seem to know every Filipino on the goddamn city so I have to greet everyone like a long lost cousin (if you don’t know, sometimes I’m a people person, sometimes I’m not).

A school picks a valedictorian by popular vote - I KNOW RIGHT?! And I thought my previous schools were fucked up; this is top of the line a pain in the ass to all those smart kids.

My family does not like my extra piercing. - Or my wardrobe, or me waking up in the afternoon, or my lack of love for fruits, or my sarcasm towards everybody, or my seriousness about my love for TV shows and my eating habits when I’m stressed about stuff (I’m still stressed about stuff so I’m still eating).

You only start to miss everything that made you who you are as a person when everything’s not going the way you want them to. - There’s not one nearby dance school I can go to to continue my training, none of the places I applied for work hasn’t hired me yet, my $20 got stolen, I can’t go anywhere without a car or a bus pass (costs $89 btw), and I have no one to talk to (occasionally I get the chance to talk to some of them but most of the time they’re either asleep, busy with life or out in some crazy adventure) with the assurance that they won’t tattle me to my family for saying shit like this.

To sum it all up: dude I want to do something without parental supervision i feel like an 8 year old rn.

When a child is punished for their honesty, they begin to lie.

-unknown (via possibilityofliving)

Don’t flirt subtly or drop hints I’m dumb be blunt

You, Sir, are a poem. 

Been feeling like a husk of who I was before. To be quite frank, I don’t even know shit. I have faint memories of being happy doing the most mundane things and now I can barely function.

I think I might have peaked in college and dropping out to migrate here has been the biggest change that has fucked me over. I have heard every variation of the saying that if I really want it, I’ll be able to get it if I work hard enough yada yada yada. I’m exhausted. How does one go on like this?