The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

The heart wants what the heart wants

When I came here, I was young in my godhood. I danced wildly through the earth, and then I burned up as I crashed through reality. I am always the main recipient of my own words; every lesson for me first of all.

- I wrote this

I create pain

Unneccessary pain

Because I can't be honest

Because I can't be honest with myself.

I am not anything

Just a hollowed out body

Unable to decide on life.

I have lived my life as a living suicide.

Day by day

A break away another piece of what makes me human

Till all that is left

Is the death I wait for

At the end of years.

I have worshiped my own vanity

My own pompous self-sacrificing hypocrisy.

I was too afraid to live

And so I chose to die forever

When I was young

I thought I understood life's problems.

I wasn't very right.

In fact

It was far more serious

Than a twelve year old could have imagined.

Back then

It was as simple as having a friend

Something

I myself did not even fully realize.

As I look to the stars

I wonder about each person

And consider the life they would live

Without any consideration

For the world that is.

Free to developed from innocent child

Into innocent adult

Never having hated.

I wonder about the potential of people

Without this world.

A pessimist I might be

But for the matters of the true self

I remain an optimist.

I am better than I once was

If not as good as I was when first born.

Are any of us free.

How much or our lives are due

To the forces of our lives

Which are in turn dependent on others

Trailing backwards through time

Till there is nothing left

But for that first breath

The beginning of all creation.

Would you blame a new born child for everything?

A new life

For the cruelty that could comes from circumstances?

Humanity deserves better than reality.

You

Deserve better than humanity.

Stellar freedom.

I believe there is a dream

That each of us hold.

It is destroyed as we age

As we interact with the world

A dream that is free of expectation

Of interpretation.

A child's dream

Without conditioning

Or complication

In which that person is free to just breathe

Soaring throughout the skies

Without worry or fear.

Able to live as any animal

To play any game.

Unaware of hate

Or malice

Or need to impress a parent who themselves is broken.

Unbound by reality

And able to do anything their imagination let's them.

Adulthood destroys lives.

This is the greatest crime I can imagine.

Broken souls are them dependent upon

To mature those who come after.

How can this ever be right?

I wish for everyone

A child's life.

Every ambition an infant has

Unable to understand

The dispair of all adult lives.

I find myself wondering

How good of a person am I?

For those tempted to reassure me

Shut up.

In all honesty

I know I am not as bad as I would like to think.

On the other hand

I'm not very good.

I lust and hate

Not sins

Cheat myself and others.

I want more

Always more.

I am never satisfied

My imagination runs too wild.

I wanted god's throne

And took it

Even as I denied wanting it.

I wanted the world

And took it

Even while spilling rivers of blood.

I am lost in mythology;

Obscured by religion.

I am prideful above all else

And overwhelmed with shame.

I do not write for the masses.

As much as I might want to.

I write because I'm empty inside

And hope I can fill my void.

Even now

I have lost the purpose for my being here.

So many things;

I will never share with you.

I am angry

Wrathful towards mortality.

I loathe my own weakness

And rage against these constraints.

I resent reality's failure

To keep up with my imagination.

I want life to match my dreams

Whatever the cost.

Yet I am flesh

And I am not entirely able to forget it.

So I weave back down

And try to touch my own existence.

Here people are alive

Demons rule

Gods wear masks of piety.

Civilization breeds slaves

And I understand how strong that word is.

People live their lives in service to others.

They are given enough to subsist

But are never allowed to excel.

Their bounds are marked

Their lives designed.

We were thankful for what we are givin

And are incapable of seeking more

Though we may dream

We do not believe.

Though we hope

We dare not sure to seek.

Our world is manufactured against us

And we cannot find our way out.

Our gods are wicked.

They are the ones who live on high.

Those we envy

And look to for hope

Revile

And pray ill on.

This is our world;

Our reality.

We are in fact slaves

And we would kill each other first

Before those who keep us here.

I once believed we could rise up.

Now

I think part of us will always fight

To keep others down.

Too long in the mires of lost gods

To be able to put our species first.

This are we doomed,

Damned to die because we cannot move past.

Bound to...

What do I call it?

Such stupidity as to make me wish we would all die.

At least then there would be quiet.

All the arguing

Hating

Damning and persecuting.

All the aspects of our species

Put to death

And life allowed to continue.

No more awareness.

No more consciousness.

Only the blissful ignorance

Of existence just existing.

Then again

I don't know how to give up

And so I keep on hoping

Even against hope.

I am about to begin

A great deal of change.

A new life

A new form

A new soul?

I have been at war with who I am

Since I first began to wonder.

Back to the age of "is this a dream"

And the agony of puberty.

Worshiping love

Longing to meet

That soul who can help me be free.

I can't even set my own path

Only go forward

Hoping these are the steps I am meant to take.

Can any one walk with me?

It has been hard enough for me

Who could I expect to join me

In my crusade against the order of this world?

I hate

Yes

Deeply.

I despise

Rage

And long to see things fall.

Why?

Because I believe in my own value

And this value

I correlate to the value of living

Thinking being

You

Me

The people who walk beside us

Every last mind

Who doesn't know what the hell is going on.

Humans

Just trying to make it through.

It is not easy

Nor can it be.

This is the cost of living.

The price of being in charge

Of our own momentary actions.

God in the world of gods.

Desiring life

Without consequence.

Will you join me?

The fire spoke to me when I was young

And after it the darkness.

This all corresponding to god

Who came to me in the night

Dementing me

Twisting me

Turning me inside out with need

Want

Yearning.

Will you join me?

Hatred

Anger

Aggression

Rage

Wrath

An unwillingness to submit.

Will you join me?

Is the world you live in worth dying for?

Is burning it down worth it?

I resent being bound

This flesh

This mortality.

Let's kill it

Kill it and no longer think about it

Relish in its blood

Drinking deep

Losing our minds.

Will you join me

And in the new world

Determine your own breath?

I wish I could change it all. Go back and tell myself "be better than you are. You preach and they believe". I have shown myself to be a lie, time and time again. An illusion, a vaporous air, the shifting shadows of the day. I have bred pain, and such a kind that my victims cannot understand it happening. I have become a being I hate, gotten what I wished, silence, and all the pain it brings.

I could never decide my life, no one need wait on me. I once made people see them themselves as beautiful and special. Now I cause them doubt, and instead inspire retreat. I wish I could have died before, instead of becoming who I am. Died as a fond memory, a happy dream.