When I Was Young

When I was young

I thought I understood life's problems.

I wasn't very right.

In fact

It was far more serious

Than a twelve year old could have imagined.

Back then

It was as simple as having a friend

Something

I myself did not even fully realize.

As I look to the stars

I wonder about each person

And consider the life they would live

Without any consideration

For the world that is.

Free to developed from innocent child

Into innocent adult

Never having hated.

I wonder about the potential of people

Without this world.

A pessimist I might be

But for the matters of the true self

I remain an optimist.

I am better than I once was

If not as good as I was when first born.

Are any of us free.

How much or our lives are due

To the forces of our lives

Which are in turn dependent on others

Trailing backwards through time

Till there is nothing left

But for that first breath

The beginning of all creation.

Would you blame a new born child for everything?

A new life

For the cruelty that could comes from circumstances?

Humanity deserves better than reality.

You

Deserve better than humanity.

Stellar freedom.

I believe there is a dream

That each of us hold.

It is destroyed as we age

As we interact with the world

A dream that is free of expectation

Of interpretation.

A child's dream

Without conditioning

Or complication

In which that person is free to just breathe

Soaring throughout the skies

Without worry or fear.

Able to live as any animal

To play any game.

Unaware of hate

Or malice

Or need to impress a parent who themselves is broken.

Unbound by reality

And able to do anything their imagination let's them.

Adulthood destroys lives.

This is the greatest crime I can imagine.

Broken souls are them dependent upon

To mature those who come after.

How can this ever be right?

I wish for everyone

A child's life.

Every ambition an infant has

Unable to understand

The dispair of all adult lives.

Touch burns.

Like making eye contact

It hurts to be so intimate.

These are actions I can only do occasionally

And this with great effort.

Explaining it is hard.

I have found most don't have the care or time

And I'm not that great at honest communication.

Some people can only see their own needs.

Because of this

I have often sacrificed my own comfort,

Hiding how my skin crawls

And I'm screaming silently inside.

A hug

A poke

Grazing

And pats

Invasions that make me want to die.

Never been good at defending myself

Especially from those

Who claim to love me.

-me, Andrew

Who am I to be asked for advice?

My life hasn't gone as planned?

Hasn't developed according to normal standards.

I am a beast

A monster

A free floating child

Trying to find their way

Across the cosmos or terror.

My friend's heart.

My friends' laugh.

Do I have a say in such things?

No.

As much as I might have hoped

Each person is in charge of their own life.

They breath

Pray

And lust according to their own needs

Fantasies

Hopes and desires.

I myself am free from others

And am twisted up

Just like everyone else.

No one can tell us who we are.

Only we

Can create our own reality.

In the end

All life ends in death.

Trying to make a standard by which we live

Is nothing but a vicious lie.

One intended to force us in to the status quo.

Be free.

Which only means

Existing as your heart wants to.

Don't be controlled.

Don't be rulled.

Don't be the property of others.

You matter beyond what your days might register

You are the sole meaning

Of your own years.

We are all but pawns in your own dream.

So live

Live deeply

And just sow what brings you peace.

One day

If we all pray

Everyone will understand.

Then each person will be free

And we won't have to worry

How others react

To our existing.

I find myself wondering

How good of a person am I?

For those tempted to reassure me

Shut up.

In all honesty

I know I am not as bad as I would like to think.

On the other hand

I'm not very good.

I lust and hate

Not sins

Cheat myself and others.

I want more

Always more.

I am never satisfied

My imagination runs too wild.

I wanted god's throne

And took it

Even as I denied wanting it.

I wanted the world

And took it

Even while spilling rivers of blood.

I am lost in mythology;

Obscured by religion.

I am prideful above all else

And overwhelmed with shame.

I do not write for the masses.

As much as I might want to.

I write because I'm empty inside

And hope I can fill my void.

Even now

I have lost the purpose for my being here.

So many things;

I will never share with you.

I am angry

Wrathful towards mortality.

I loathe my own weakness

And rage against these constraints.

I resent reality's failure

To keep up with my imagination.

I want life to match my dreams

Whatever the cost.

Yet I am flesh

And I am not entirely able to forget it.

So I weave back down

And try to touch my own existence.

Here people are alive

Demons rule

Gods wear masks of piety.

Civilization breeds slaves

And I understand how strong that word is.

People live their lives in service to others.

They are given enough to subsist

But are never allowed to excel.

Their bounds are marked

Their lives designed.

We were thankful for what we are givin

And are incapable of seeking more

Though we may dream

We do not believe.

Though we hope

We dare not sure to seek.

Our world is manufactured against us

And we cannot find our way out.

Our gods are wicked.

They are the ones who live on high.

Those we envy

And look to for hope

Revile

And pray ill on.

This is our world;

Our reality.

We are in fact slaves

And we would kill each other first

Before those who keep us here.

I once believed we could rise up.

Now

I think part of us will always fight

To keep others down.

Too long in the mires of lost gods

To be able to put our species first.

This are we doomed,

Damned to die because we cannot move past.

Bound to...

What do I call it?

Such stupidity as to make me wish we would all die.

At least then there would be quiet.

All the arguing

Hating

Damning and persecuting.

All the aspects of our species

Put to death

And life allowed to continue.

No more awareness.

No more consciousness.

Only the blissful ignorance

Of existence just existing.

Then again

I don't know how to give up

And so I keep on hoping

Even against hope.

I am about to begin

A great deal of change.

A new life

A new form

A new soul?

I have been at war with who I am

Since I first began to wonder.

Back to the age of "is this a dream"

And the agony of puberty.

Worshiping love

Longing to meet

That soul who can help me be free.

I can't even set my own path

Only go forward

Hoping these are the steps I am meant to take.

Can any one walk with me?

It has been hard enough for me

Who could I expect to join me

In my crusade against the order of this world?

I hate

Yes

Deeply.

I despise

Rage

And long to see things fall.

Why?

Because I believe in my own value

And this value

I correlate to the value of living

Thinking being

You

Me

The people who walk beside us

Every last mind

Who doesn't know what the hell is going on.

Humans

Just trying to make it through.

It is not easy

Nor can it be.

This is the cost of living.

The price of being in charge

Of our own momentary actions.

God in the world of gods.

Desiring life

Without consequence.

Will you join me?

The fire spoke to me when I was young

And after it the darkness.

This all corresponding to god

Who came to me in the night

Dementing me

Twisting me

Turning me inside out with need

Want

Yearning.

Will you join me?

Hatred

Anger

Aggression

Rage

Wrath

An unwillingness to submit.

Will you join me?

Is the world you live in worth dying for?

Is burning it down worth it?

I resent being bound

This flesh

This mortality.

Let's kill it

Kill it and no longer think about it

Relish in its blood

Drinking deep

Losing our minds.

Will you join me

And in the new world

Determine your own breath?

I hope I do not bore you

I know I am long winded.

I have survived my own godhood

Surpassed my wildest expectation

And now stand upon the other side.

Mistake not my words for ego

Something I am surely guilty of

I am not trying to understand

My own mortality.

This is not a statement of finality

Rather

A statement of being here

Now

In this moment of flesh.

Not a sin

As some would count it

But a beautiful representation

Of my own soul

Before myself.

That truth I have loved

That honest answer before myself

Is the beauty of a person

Free

Exalted

Unbound

Just themselves before everything.

I add no law.

I demand no trial.

All I hope in

Is the person who may read this

And that soul who does not.

I am nothing

And you are nothing

And yet between ourselves

Is everything.

You have lived

And you have died

And all that can happen is in your hands.

I chose death

As this was my path

And now survived

I must ask myself what I would will with my freedom.

Since my waking breath

I have only thought of dying;

Laying downy my life for others.

How this has cheated them

Who has as much right now I exist in themselves

As I have in me.

I am flawed

I am broken

I am my own being

Just trying to make it through as myself.

One day

I still hope

Someone will forgive me

But what matters most

Is that I forgive myself

And learn to live

With my own desire.

I have never followed my own teachings

That mountain of literature

I have composed across my years.

Now I am beginning

To listen

Not as a stranger

But as one who ignore themself

And now speaks to themself

I have climbed the throne

Ascended the Mount

Sat down on the seat of one who would be god.

I changed the rules

Condemned myself

And set out a new freedom

Aside from me.

Now I think of opening

Small coffee shops away from sight;

A safe haven for lost souls

Who hate themselves

More than the world that hurt them so.

I have never been free

But now I am trying to be

A lost soul

Who never wanted to be more than others.

Whose ego blinded them

And sought to be exalted.

I am that lost soul

The admittance of which

Is its own pride.

I hope you live well

And sleep even better.

When I was young I hoped you would

And thought I had the answers.

I am no one anymore.

What supriseses me

Is I have even longer to survive.

In all my fantasies

I never imagined I'd make it past my death

Yet here I am

Unable to die.

I am haunted by myself.

Pour myself into this setup.

I can't let go

Even though I know I should.

Healing my own wounds

Is the hardest thing I have ever done

And I trying my hardest

To be human again.

I can't even explain it.

I know it is the wine talking.

Living on auto-correct

Praying it translates me proper.

I hope you will forgive me.

I hope you will sustain me.

I hope one day I can forgive myself

And live as if

Eternity were never created.

It is the abstract paradox

The game we play on ourselves.

I hope one day I understand my own words

And free myself from my own guilt.

I love you

As I could never love myself.

I love in the ways

I have denied to give my own soul.

Show me the mirror;

Teach me my own image.

Forgive me

Hate me

Exist

And so will I.

It is all any of us can hope fore,

The only thing we can believe in.

We will all die

And we will all live.

That is our gift

More than it is our curse.

All that matters is your own place in life.

Not position

But self imposed acceptance.

Learning to love being me

Is more than the ambition I have placed upon myself.

It is opening a coffee shop

And living as if

I only I have tomorrow.

It is harder than it sounds

Harder than I can usually manage.

Substance over form;

Truth over my own beauty.

Love me;

Love yourself.

All that exists

Is you and me.

The rules are made up.

The truth is what we want it.

Flesh will burn

But our souls will continue on.

All we are

Is you right now.

A lost cause

Just trying to let go.

I miss you

I love you

My own flesh and blood.

More than this world;

The very purpose of all living.

Be free;

Be yourself;

Just exist and cease to fret.

All that is is yourself

I am nothing more

Than your own fragment soul.