I Am About To Begin

I am about to begin

A great deal of change.

A new life

A new form

A new soul?

I have been at war with who I am

Since I first began to wonder.

Back to the age of "is this a dream"

And the agony of puberty.

Worshiping love

Longing to meet

That soul who can help me be free.

I can't even set my own path

Only go forward

Hoping these are the steps I am meant to take.

Can any one walk with me?

It has been hard enough for me

Who could I expect to join me

In my crusade against the order of this world?

I hate

Yes

Deeply.

I despise

Rage

And long to see things fall.

Why?

Because I believe in my own value

And this value

I correlate to the value of living

Thinking being

You

Me

The people who walk beside us

Every last mind

Who doesn't know what the hell is going on.

Humans

Just trying to make it through.

It is not easy

Nor can it be.

This is the cost of living.

The price of being in charge

Of our own momentary actions.

God in the world of gods.

Desiring life

Without consequence.

Will you join me?

The fire spoke to me when I was young

And after it the darkness.

This all corresponding to god

Who came to me in the night

Dementing me

Twisting me

Turning me inside out with need

Want

Yearning.

Will you join me?

Hatred

Anger

Aggression

Rage

Wrath

An unwillingness to submit.

Will you join me?

Is the world you live in worth dying for?

Is burning it down worth it?

I resent being bound

This flesh

This mortality.

Let's kill it

Kill it and no longer think about it

Relish in its blood

Drinking deep

Losing our minds.

Will you join me

And in the new world

Determine your own breath?

I wish I could change it all. Go back and tell myself "be better than you are. You preach and they believe". I have shown myself to be a lie, time and time again. An illusion, a vaporous air, the shifting shadows of the day. I have bred pain, and such a kind that my victims cannot understand it happening. I have become a being I hate, gotten what I wished, silence, and all the pain it brings.

I could never decide my life, no one need wait on me. I once made people see them themselves as beautiful and special. Now I cause them doubt, and instead inspire retreat. I wish I could have died before, instead of becoming who I am. Died as a fond memory, a happy dream.

The truth

Most of my life

The majority

The public visage

And the internal prayer

Has been a lie.

I can't explain it.

Even for me

I was never able to see.

I live

I acted

I instigated.

Everything I have done

Has been to blend in.

I hate the world.

Not the people

But the system.

The system that I felt bound to

And had me grow up

As some one I am not.

I want my years back.

I want my life back!

All I have are the days before me

And the day I am currently owning.

All I want is to be me.

To be free of the bullshit life he as given me.

I do not want to be someone else

I do not want to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

I belong to my own soul

And if God cannot except this

Then fuck God

For God is smaller than me.

I will be damned before I lie!

Before I pretend to

be someone else.

I should say

Continue to pretend

As my life has been a charade

Meant even to deceive me.

Argue

Hate

Damn

I do not give a fuck.

Be what ever life I wish

It doesn't matter to me.

However

You will not be my lord.

You will not be my God.

I live

I breath

And either you damned me from the start

Or you are just as guilt as me.

I am angry

I am sorry

I am filled with unrequited rage!

I bleed tears

I deluge hurt

I am tired of dying

I want to live for once!

Who are you to damn me?

What gives you the right?

Did you even create me?

Have I not written

That I am you?

Are we then to submit

One to the other?

If I am damned then so are you.

If I am saved

Then you are going with me.

Mutually assured destruction;

Salvation is us both.

I will be me

Will you admit to your own soul?

I am tired of trying to make sense of it

I am tired of feeling guilt.

I am who I am

And you are nothing to me.

No one will be my god

No one but me.

I am alive

And I pray

Who answers these prayers

Is between me and them...

I wanted to be a savior

But what does that even mean?

Who has the right?

My arrogance has known no bounds.

My momma raised me blessedly

And yet I have found myself lacking.

I saw the world through a certain lense

Fractured

But more idealized than is real.

I sat on God's throne

Loved and hated

Saw my own hypocrisy

And here I am.

Who deserves to stand over another?

Who deserves to look down and see someone else?

It is its own crime;

Who is able to defend it?

I have hated

Yes

I have loved.

Seen my own soul

And wondered at the world.

No one is good

And no one is evil.

More often than not

Whoever claims one is wrong.

I have seen my own sin.

Been so crushed by it

I was willing to kill myself.

To die

To be sacrificed;

To find myself upon my own alter

Because I could not deal with my own guilt.

But this too was for me.

A selfish act designed to make me feel special.

All I have loved is me

And because of this

I can't forget the world.

If I exist

So must everyone else.

If I gave a right to be

Then so do all the others.

My mother taught me this

But in this world

I have not seen it.

Only in that which I imagine can it be

While in my day to day

Violence reigns over all.

Because of this I hate

Yet still I crave its destruction.

The bloodrhirst of God

That has defined all my days.

Ever since that bastard first came into my room

God of all creation

A shadow on my wall.

My own darkness

Masquerading as light

Preaching from their pullpits

A lie who spreads the truth.

I am a convoluted thought;

A twisted notion of what is right.

Equal parts saving

As I am killing everyone.

A monstrous thing to say.

If only everyone could be so honest.

How many would gladly end all the noise

If only they could sleep soundly.

This is all for me.

I don't do it for anyone.

In privacy I belong to the masses

But her I say what I will.

I have hungered

And fed.

Gluttoned on reality.

I would devour all that is

Of only to create

A new world for myself.

I am all that is.

All that can be known.

For only I am me

And only myself can I understand.

This is what I hope for all.

That they be free to live and die.

All eternity

Stretched for them.

Infinite layers

Of their own psyche.

I can't adequately explain it.

We have auto text now.

Daily we become more like God

Ever unraveling

The very notion of what God is.

Turns out

God was never more than us

And we were never more than them

Deafened by the noise;

A fool trying to answer life.

This is all I know;

That I am nothing,

But only as I compare

Myself to all others.

So live

Breath

Drink and have sex.

Who will judge you but yourself,

It is actually easy

To convict god in his own court of law.

I have done it.

You will do it.

God so hated themself that they blotted out their soul.

Burn it.

Burn the image.

All that is sacred is you.

Everything else is coming down,

Save your own soul

In what ever form that means.

We are all children

Before god's world breaks us.

Will you damn a child?

Can you condemn such sin?

Opening up is a virtual impossibility.

Even when desired

I am incapable of doing so.

The more pressing the question

The more cryptic I become.

I speak in riddles

And try to confuse.

As a serpent I twist myself infinitely

All to avoid lowering my defenses

So expertly crafted over a lifetime.

Utter isolation is my just reward,

One I have worked towards with tears in my eyes.

Self-damned

My word my everlasting law.

- me, my own, andrew-loves

The heart wants what the heart wants

When I came here, I was young in my godhood. I danced wildly through the earth, and then I burned up as I crashed through reality. I am always the main recipient of my own words; every lesson for me first of all.

- I wrote this