I Am About To Begin

I am about to begin

A great deal of change.

A new life

A new form

A new soul?

I have been at war with who I am

Since I first began to wonder.

Back to the age of "is this a dream"

And the agony of puberty.

Worshiping love

Longing to meet

That soul who can help me be free.

I can't even set my own path

Only go forward

Hoping these are the steps I am meant to take.

Can any one walk with me?

It has been hard enough for me

Who could I expect to join me

In my crusade against the order of this world?

I hate

Yes

Deeply.

I despise

Rage

And long to see things fall.

Why?

Because I believe in my own value

And this value

I correlate to the value of living

Thinking being

You

Me

The people who walk beside us

Every last mind

Who doesn't know what the hell is going on.

Humans

Just trying to make it through.

It is not easy

Nor can it be.

This is the cost of living.

The price of being in charge

Of our own momentary actions.

God in the world of gods.

Desiring life

Without consequence.

Will you join me?

The fire spoke to me when I was young

And after it the darkness.

This all corresponding to god

Who came to me in the night

Dementing me

Twisting me

Turning me inside out with need

Want

Yearning.

Will you join me?

Hatred

Anger

Aggression

Rage

Wrath

An unwillingness to submit.

Will you join me?

Is the world you live in worth dying for?

Is burning it down worth it?

I resent being bound

This flesh

This mortality.

Let's kill it

Kill it and no longer think about it

Relish in its blood

Drinking deep

Losing our minds.

Will you join me

And in the new world

Determine your own breath?

I create pain

Unneccessary pain

Because I can't be honest

Because I can't be honest with myself.

I am not anything

Just a hollowed out body

Unable to decide on life.

I have lived my life as a living suicide.

Day by day

A break away another piece of what makes me human

Till all that is left

Is the death I wait for

At the end of years.

I have worshiped my own vanity

My own pompous self-sacrificing hypocrisy.

I was too afraid to live

And so I chose to die forever

Touch burns.

Like making eye contact

It hurts to be so intimate.

These are actions I can only do occasionally

And this with great effort.

Explaining it is hard.

I have found most don't have the care or time

And I'm not that great at honest communication.

Some people can only see their own needs.

Because of this

I have often sacrificed my own comfort,

Hiding how my skin crawls

And I'm screaming silently inside.

A hug

A poke

Grazing

And pats

Invasions that make me want to die.

Never been good at defending myself

Especially from those

Who claim to love me.

-me, Andrew

I do not know who I am

Though this is not entirely true.

I have loved my whole life

Trying to be a living sacrifice.

To put myself to death

For this is what God demanded.

But who was God when I was dead.

I still spell it with a lower case

As autocorrect translates it to my childhood norm.

I hate God.

Not for the reasons you think.

I hate God

Because I have been God

Climbed the steps

Raised the flag

Looked down on the whole of creation

And wondered.

Here I am again.

Can't help but sound arrogant.

Comes with the territory

A sin not to admit it.

This is what i have learned.

When you sit above all else alse

Nothing matters

Nothing at all

I have tried my damnedest

To be more than my body.

To be more than the best and worst of my flesh.

I have thrown myself before the throne.

Condemned myself to hell.

Offered every last parcel of my soul

And still no one above had answered me.

Only my own voice

Offering no salvation.

"hold the course

Give up to death"

Well damn heaven

Damn hell

There is only this earth

And not in the sense of non-belief.

Goddamn it

You matter!

I matter!

We all fucking deserve better!

No one has sat above

And thought we should try harder.

This life is cruel

And those who are human

Understand what it means to be sad.

Still

How many feel a need to be resilient?

To overcome

This unending dread which pushes us.

We need to overcome

Those words we tell ourselves.

The constant accolades

And condemnations of our pride.

I hate me

And yet I love me

Because I am both the cause and the result

Of this world I am born in to.

It is impossible to appoint blame

Unless you trace it back to God.

Either God was a fool

Or a calculating demon.

I can forgive the fool

But not the one who planes to cause pain.

Many recoil from accusing God.

It is in our nature

Yet we are summoned to be bold

To throw our accusations in their face.

For what sin has been so great?

What absolute wickedness have we committed

In order to deserve this world!

God is a fool

Just like us

For we are God in the future

Creating our past.

Blasphemy

Blasphemy

But I have been God. I have climbed those steps

Sat upon that throne.

Cast my soul to eternal damnation

For this is the cost of being absolute.

And it was worth it

Of I could bring just one smile.

If I could heal one broken soul

And right one crooked wrong.

I began evil

And I aspired for good.

I instigated selfishness

And yes prayed my all for kindness.

I am a fool

I am a lost cause

But I have loved

And been willing to face hell.

This is what God's love is

That they are willing to face hell

For all time

That they might see their loved ones bloom

And through eternity

Do better than ourselves.

Now I try to live a normal life.

Free of my own harsh directives.

You don't need me

And I don't need you

But we need each other

In spite of our own damn pride.

I hate you

And you hate me.

The world spins

In order to turn us against one another.

All we can do

Is understand how evil we ourselves are

And then find a way to see ourselves in the seat of evil.

There is an eye for an eye

And a bone for a bone.

A judgement for how we judge

And an answer for all the pain.

It is cruel to imagine it forever

As this annihilates forgiveness

But in forgiveness there is a path

And this path charts its way through timeslessness.

Everyone is the product of someone else,

And this itself traces itself back to God.

If God is willing to die

How much more so

In the time of eternity

We are able to let go

Those who do not deserve our forgiveness.

We will sail past those unworthy of us

And they will traverse the wake

Hoping to live beyond their evil.

It is not justice.

Justice

As prescribed by God

Leaves us all damned.

Even God cannot escape

For God set it in motion.

Why do I mention God so much?

Because God is at the root of all that we do.

Theist and atheist

Both harbor accusations.

Each of us have been tortured by the beyond.

So we look to the heavens

And no longer depend upon the almighty.

We and we alone are real

Only we can forgive ourselves.

I find myself wondering

How good of a person am I?

For those tempted to reassure me

Shut up.

In all honesty

I know I am not as bad as I would like to think.

On the other hand

I'm not very good.

I lust and hate

Not sins

Cheat myself and others.

I want more

Always more.

I am never satisfied

My imagination runs too wild.

I wanted god's throne

And took it

Even as I denied wanting it.

I wanted the world

And took it

Even while spilling rivers of blood.

I am lost in mythology;

Obscured by religion.

I am prideful above all else

And overwhelmed with shame.

I do not write for the masses.

As much as I might want to.

I write because I'm empty inside

And hope I can fill my void.

Even now

I have lost the purpose for my being here.

So many things;

I will never share with you.

I am angry

Wrathful towards mortality.

I loathe my own weakness

And rage against these constraints.

I resent reality's failure

To keep up with my imagination.

I want life to match my dreams

Whatever the cost.

Yet I am flesh

And I am not entirely able to forget it.

So I weave back down

And try to touch my own existence.

Here people are alive

Demons rule

Gods wear masks of piety.

Civilization breeds slaves

And I understand how strong that word is.

People live their lives in service to others.

They are given enough to subsist

But are never allowed to excel.

Their bounds are marked

Their lives designed.

We were thankful for what we are givin

And are incapable of seeking more

Though we may dream

We do not believe.

Though we hope

We dare not sure to seek.

Our world is manufactured against us

And we cannot find our way out.

Our gods are wicked.

They are the ones who live on high.

Those we envy

And look to for hope

Revile

And pray ill on.

This is our world;

Our reality.

We are in fact slaves

And we would kill each other first

Before those who keep us here.

I once believed we could rise up.

Now

I think part of us will always fight

To keep others down.

Too long in the mires of lost gods

To be able to put our species first.

This are we doomed,

Damned to die because we cannot move past.

Bound to...

What do I call it?

Such stupidity as to make me wish we would all die.

At least then there would be quiet.

All the arguing

Hating

Damning and persecuting.

All the aspects of our species

Put to death

And life allowed to continue.

No more awareness.

No more consciousness.

Only the blissful ignorance

Of existence just existing.

Then again

I don't know how to give up

And so I keep on hoping

Even against hope.