I Hope I Do Not Bore You

I hope I do not bore you

I know I am long winded.

I have survived my own godhood

Surpassed my wildest expectation

And now stand upon the other side.

Mistake not my words for ego

Something I am surely guilty of

I am not trying to understand

My own mortality.

This is not a statement of finality

Rather

A statement of being here

Now

In this moment of flesh.

Not a sin

As some would count it

But a beautiful representation

Of my own soul

Before myself.

That truth I have loved

That honest answer before myself

Is the beauty of a person

Free

Exalted

Unbound

Just themselves before everything.

I add no law.

I demand no trial.

All I hope in

Is the person who may read this

And that soul who does not.

I am nothing

And you are nothing

And yet between ourselves

Is everything.

You have lived

And you have died

And all that can happen is in your hands.

I chose death

As this was my path

And now survived

I must ask myself what I would will with my freedom.

Since my waking breath

I have only thought of dying;

Laying downy my life for others.

How this has cheated them

Who has as much right now I exist in themselves

As I have in me.

I am flawed

I am broken

I am my own being

Just trying to make it through as myself.

One day

I still hope

Someone will forgive me

But what matters most

Is that I forgive myself

And learn to live

With my own desire.

I have never followed my own teachings

That mountain of literature

I have composed across my years.

Now I am beginning

To listen

Not as a stranger

But as one who ignore themself

And now speaks to themself

I have climbed the throne

Ascended the Mount

Sat down on the seat of one who would be god.

I changed the rules

Condemned myself

And set out a new freedom

Aside from me.

Now I think of opening

Small coffee shops away from sight;

A safe haven for lost souls

Who hate themselves

More than the world that hurt them so.

I have never been free

But now I am trying to be

A lost soul

Who never wanted to be more than others.

Whose ego blinded them

And sought to be exalted.

I am that lost soul

The admittance of which

Is its own pride.

I hope you live well

And sleep even better.

When I was young I hoped you would

And thought I had the answers.

I am no one anymore.

What supriseses me

Is I have even longer to survive.

In all my fantasies

I never imagined I'd make it past my death

Yet here I am

Unable to die.

I am haunted by myself.

Pour myself into this setup.

I can't let go

Even though I know I should.

Healing my own wounds

Is the hardest thing I have ever done

And I trying my hardest

To be human again.

I can't even explain it.

I know it is the wine talking.

Living on auto-correct

Praying it translates me proper.

I hope you will forgive me.

I hope you will sustain me.

I hope one day I can forgive myself

And live as if

Eternity were never created.

It is the abstract paradox

The game we play on ourselves.

I hope one day I understand my own words

And free myself from my own guilt.

I love you

As I could never love myself.

I love in the ways

I have denied to give my own soul.

Show me the mirror;

Teach me my own image.

Forgive me

Hate me

Exist

And so will I.

It is all any of us can hope fore,

The only thing we can believe in.

We will all die

And we will all live.

That is our gift

More than it is our curse.

All that matters is your own place in life.

Not position

But self imposed acceptance.

Learning to love being me

Is more than the ambition I have placed upon myself.

It is opening a coffee shop

And living as if

I only I have tomorrow.

It is harder than it sounds

Harder than I can usually manage.

Substance over form;

Truth over my own beauty.

Love me;

Love yourself.

All that exists

Is you and me.

The rules are made up.

The truth is what we want it.

Flesh will burn

But our souls will continue on.

All we are

Is you right now.

A lost cause

Just trying to let go.

I miss you

I love you

My own flesh and blood.

More than this world;

The very purpose of all living.

Be free;

Be yourself;

Just exist and cease to fret.

All that is is yourself

I am nothing more

Than your own fragment soul.

I have been judged for being me

And so have judged others.

This guilt has driven me to madness

Which is itself a struggle of accepting myself.

People deserve to love what they love.

To enjoy the things that make them feel.

I have related to many things

Some of which are piss poor

While others are too exalted.

The truth is I just want to exist.

To be free in being who I am

Without feeling the need to judge who I am.

I am beautiful

A darling who dances freely.

Fearing my own judgement

Through the eyes of others

Has caused me great pain.

Learning to forgive myself

For being myself

Is the hardest journey yet.

Reality has never met my standards.

Better yet

I have never risen to its level.

My dreams are confessions.

My words

Solemn testimony.

I know this isn't any good

I'm not writing it to win any awards.

This is how I deal with who I am

And steadily grow

Into the person I secretly dream or being.

For love of me

This is why I live.

Ever hoping to accept myself

Without worry for those

Who are not me.

I wish I could change it all. Go back and tell myself "be better than you are. You preach and they believe". I have shown myself to be a lie, time and time again. An illusion, a vaporous air, the shifting shadows of the day. I have bred pain, and such a kind that my victims cannot understand it happening. I have become a being I hate, gotten what I wished, silence, and all the pain it brings.

I could never decide my life, no one need wait on me. I once made people see them themselves as beautiful and special. Now I cause them doubt, and instead inspire retreat. I wish I could have died before, instead of becoming who I am. Died as a fond memory, a happy dream.

Who am I to be asked for advice?

My life hasn't gone as planned?

Hasn't developed according to normal standards.

I am a beast

A monster

A free floating child

Trying to find their way

Across the cosmos or terror.

My friend's heart.

My friends' laugh.

Do I have a say in such things?

No.

As much as I might have hoped

Each person is in charge of their own life.

They breath

Pray

And lust according to their own needs

Fantasies

Hopes and desires.

I myself am free from others

And am twisted up

Just like everyone else.

No one can tell us who we are.

Only we

Can create our own reality.

In the end

All life ends in death.

Trying to make a standard by which we live

Is nothing but a vicious lie.

One intended to force us in to the status quo.

Be free.

Which only means

Existing as your heart wants to.

Don't be controlled.

Don't be rulled.

Don't be the property of others.

You matter beyond what your days might register

You are the sole meaning

Of your own years.

We are all but pawns in your own dream.

So live

Live deeply

And just sow what brings you peace.

One day

If we all pray

Everyone will understand.

Then each person will be free

And we won't have to worry

How others react

To our existing.

No one has ever seen me.

I create masks to hide behind.

Each person gets there own

A special me just for them.

No one ever asks for more,

Can I be mad they are unaware

Of what remains hidden

Behind my eyes?

I am a dream

I silent illusion

Lord of the air

A vacant space.

No one has ever seen into my heart

No one has ever wondered at who I might be.

No more than the version of me that they require;

The first answer they get

The summation of who I am.

- me

Andrew-loves. I have come a long way from this statement. My heart turned bitter. All I could see was pain. I ran away and abandoned hope, and spread my disease. The world has grown dark, and I have let it. A false promise, unable to accept itself. I am sorry, I honestly did not forsee this.