I Want To Be Loved.

I want to be loved.

Maybe this is a weak statement

But I can't help it.

I have never been touched.

Desired for my soul.

No one wanted me

But then again

I could never love myself.

For all my ego

For all my worship at the alter of myself

I still could not understand

How someone could want me.

I was a lie

And didn't even know it.

A lost little child

So repressed

I couldn't even see my own reflection.

Now I am trying to get back to me;

The honest self

Free from every last goddamn thing.

Just me

That little girl

Who never had a chance

To dress up pretty

Or just be herself.

I want more than what I have been given;

More than what I have allowed myself.

A long road walk

But I am here when it is done.

So I leave

And breathe

Put on make-up and get dressed up.

Make my day to day worth living

And in so doing

Figure out

What life's about.

So love me

Hate me

Fuck me

Ignore me.

I can't make sense of anything;

I'm making it all up

As I go.

Exist

As I want to exist.

All we have are ourselves.

Are you really going to listen to me?

Life feels strange right now.

My dad still hasn't contacted me

Since my mother told him I was a girl.

Told her I wouldn't have to worry

And it's not like he ever called often.

People still mourn my beard.

Having to defend why I wrote people off.

School exists

University is an illusion

Right around the corner.

Seems I never have money anymore

Yet I still make too much.

Searching for intimacy

And my platonic partner has given me joy.

Cuddling with my pup

Buying pizzas and chocolate for myself.

Just letting go and let _.

Dancing through the snow storm.

.

All in all

Everything is better than it has ever been.

I am happier

More radiant

And growing daily towards my goals.

Still haven't a clue how to go about it all

But here I am

Breathing in and breathing out

Striving to exist only in this moment

Aware of who I am right now

Instead of getting lost

And then caught up in dispair.

Sitting beneath the trees

Trying to understand.

Timidly taking my first steps

Into the life I couldn't imagine.

Anxiety about the future.

Never sure just what is in store.

Yearning to keep on moving

Never settling again.

Suppose I should be honored that #staff thought my budding supple bosom was worthy of being flagged 😂

12:00 am

Today marks my third month since starting estrogen and declaring war on my testosterone levels. It has been wild. I've come out to my family, I'm planning my future, and I am learning about myself. Each day I face new challenges but I also get to see my body change a little bit more towards who I really am. There have been a lot of downs but also moments of such pure joy, I can't even imagine going back. When I wake up I'll be heading to my doctor to check my levels and determine my next steps. There is a lot left doing and my journey is only beginning. Still have to navigate educating my family, walk them through who I am and what's coming, but they love me, and they aren't going to leave me (at least the ones I care about)

I'm all smiles right now, and can't wait to see what comes next :)

I want to be held.

To feel warm and safe and content.

Someone who will run there fingers along my face

And gaze into my eyes.

I want someone to make me feel real

Not just some embodied ghost.