Honestly Same

Honestly same

winter break is just losing your memory on the car back home and waking up with 78 new poems in the notes app when your brain turns back on

Some unfinished fashion sketches

A Fucking Rant

feel free to disagree. I just needed to scream into the void lol.

I hate inspirational videos and assemblies. No matter how good your intentions are, they make me want to crash and burn. Giving me a 7 step list on how to succeed activates every self-sabatouring, society-hating nerve in my body. Trying to inspire me without my asking awakens a special kind of frustration that dreams of quitting.

It reminds me of public school, and I mean that in the most insulting way possible.

Tell me I have to want to succeed, and see how much I don't. Sorry, but I'm a stubborn bitch. And if I say anything to anyone, I don't get taken seriously.

Tonight, I was going to do all my homework. I had to talk myself into it. And it was going to work. But now I'm crying.

Because honestly, any shitpost on Tumblr is more inspiring than an inspiring speech. Because it doesn't remind me of the system that is the source of half my mental issues. It doesn't tell me that my value lies in what I produce and how I please society. It makes me laugh. It makes me hit like and/or reblog and send a notification to the poster in return.

Despite how far I've gotten in school, I am not a "successful person ". I graduated high school with a two year degree because I did things my way and because I was loved. Any time I succeeded was when I didn't want to follow any personal plan, I just talked myself into doing it. I know what my mental blocks are. There tough to overcome, but I can do it. The thing is I HAVE TO DO IT, because nobody else really knows how to handle them, or how fragile my motivation is.

Actually paying attention to tonight's motivational speech was a mistake. Perhaps next time I'll draw while pretending to take notes, hoping to tune it out. Maybe I'll pretend to need the restroom. I don't know.

Don't tell me to want success. I don't, and I probably never will. I want to survive. I want a better world for my and other future kids. Success is a means to an end, and I refuse to pretend that's not the case. Ideally, I would be valued for my soul and my love I have for others. I don't want to hate myself for not fitting in with the ideal of success. Success is a construct and it's bullshit.

So yeah. Fuck your inspiring speech. Fuck your books and famous people quotes and 7-how-tf-many step plans and growth mindset bull. I am growing. You cannot stop me because I am a stubborn bitch. Every day I become more loving of myself and others. I control my destiny. I am stronger than my fucked up mental health, and I will win on my terms. I know I can't be alone when I say this: speaker, I'm happy you're successful and grateful that you want to help. But for the love of everything sane, please stop.

Man this was a huge problem for me in middle school.

Complete strangers and classmates I barely knew asked me who I had a crush on. I always said no, even if that was a lie. It was none of their buisness and I made that clear. People would even ask me if I was a lesbian if I was hanging with my female friends (I'm not). That's my buisness. Not yours.

Boys would ask me out a lot. I didnt know them so I turned them down. I just wanted to be left alone.

This is a neutral post

Feel free to stop here and rest before journeying to the posts below.

My baby girl, Miss Kitty!