Monochromatic Reality

Monochromatic Reality

I take the anti depressants to make the people who want me to get 'better' think I'm happy. Even though all the pills really do is make me feel numb. At least before I felt depression, it was something. So now I take huge risks, do dangerous things, and hurt myself in anyway possible because any feeling of fear or pain or absolute dread that you can feel deep inside the pit of your stomach is better than this numbness. Some people would call me a masochist, but they wouldn't if they could feel numb like I do, then they too would do anything no matter how dangerous or painful it is just to see a glimpse of color in their monochromatic reality.

I thought people who say they wanted me to be happy meant it, that they might've even loved me, but that wasn't enough. They needed to understand-I needed them to understand. But time and time again I am made to feel alone, like I'm drifting through space and time watching their lives go on around me like I did cut the vein that night like I was planning to but I thought 'no there are people who wouldn't be able to go on without me'. So here I am, alive for people who I thought couldn't go on without me already living like I am gone, no, like I was never even here at all. I can't blame them, I'm just another shade of gray blending into the background of a monochromatic reality.

quia natus est stella in nebula est collapse

There are moments that mark your life; moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and everything else is divided into two parts: BEFORE this and AFTER this.

If it's true that we photograph things we are afraid to lose, then it's saddening to think that maybe this generation, the so called selfie generation, aren't really just a bunch of narcissistic fools and, attention seeking people, but rather a bunch of individuals afraid to lose themselves. Isn't it disheartening? That in this age of technology and fast communication gateways, there are more and more individuals that capture their own photos to preserve and have memories of who they are.~c.g.

My whole life feels like a test I didn't study for.