I Feel That So Much

I feel that so much

BPD culture is feeling so empty every day and feeling stuck in the same boring/annoying routine and wanting to end it all at once but being too scared to do it.

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I am tired of ppl that tell ppl with mental health to get over it work through it your no different like shut up you don't know what's it like in my head they just want you to get over so they don't have to deal with you

I am tired of ppl that tell ppl with mental health to get over it work through it your no different like shut up you don't know what's it like in my head they just want you to get over so they don't have to deal with you

quite bpd is receiving a curse within an already cursed disorder. you will wholeheartedly consider that you are faking because you do not meet the criteria, as you are not manifesting the classic symptoms.

but quite bpd is way more than a page of the DSM-V with its 9 criteria diagnosis scheme

quite bpd is having a fearful avoidant attachment style. you do crave intimacy but you would never dare to ask for it. you deprive yourself of love because deep down you consider yourself unworthy of it

quite bpd is fastened images of violence in your imagination, but when you open your eyes and look at your hands and legs, you are still as a statue. nonetheless event after event, conflict after conflict, the anger remains repressed and ready to surface in explosive but rare fits of rage

quite bpd is endless social isolation. something de-clicked in your mind and distancing yourself from the world does not allow any abandonment, be it perceived or real

people pleasing comes as second nature to you, you wouldn’t handle rejection or disagreement so you do as your told not matter how inconvenient and inconsiderate it feels. you turned into a self sacrificing machine and the stop button broke long ago

quite bpd is looking at yourself in the mirror and hating what you see. the feelings of worthlessness consume you. you feel inadequate, broken. the hopelessness turns into self harm and suicidal ideation.

but you learnt how to mask all these struggles and sufferings so well. you excel at pretending to be fine, the facade of normality and happiness never falls off - you wouldn’t allowed it.

and the others will have no clue how you’re constantly on edge and at war at yourself.

and the words of invalidation you will tell yourself linger and you shrug it off - what to get help for if “i am fine”, right?

bpd culture is not feeling like you even have a personality?? like who tf am I? what are my values? am I the worst human ever or the best fucking person on this planet??

I guess who I am depends mostly on who YOU are, cause my only personality trait that seems to be consistent is that I can adapt to others without even noticing it

I'll be anything you want if that means you won't hate or leave me

makes it easy to make people like me on a surface level, but it's kinda manipulative and fake I guess? but it comes so natural to me that I almost don't notice it?

I feel so so lost and I always thought by 26 I would have figured out who I am and what I want but guess what bitch you're still here pleasing everyone else and wondering what it is that you yourself truely want and need, and also whenever you try to connect deeply with someone they sooner or later notice that your values and standpoints and character change SO DAMN MUCH?? I can be convinced of something one day and then say the opposite thing the next, and it's so frustrating for myself and others and sometimes I don't even wanna share a thought or an opinion anymore cause I know damn well I will probably think differently soon and feel fake and weird and like a lying bitch, and people close to you never know when to take your words serious cause things. just. change. SO QUICKLY with me and I jump from black to white in an instant

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Bpd culture is wanting a relationship so bad you split when your couple friends r in love and shit but knowing you’re way to unstable to be in one so you go through cycles of “I’m dying alone it’s the only way” and “Gods PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have a love”

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