Cptsd Vent - Tumblr Posts

I hate how I can be screaming for someone to leave, backing away from them and screeching sounds of torture as they get closer, feeling like they’re burning me alive, and yet feel myself falling to bits as they go, dragging a part of me with them and leaving me feeling so empty and so so cold and numb

Do you ever have that longing when all you want is to go home and be hugged by the person who makes it all feel better but then your stomach drops because you realise that you can’t picture where you want to go or who you want to be hugged by??

No? Just me?

I didn’t know that anybody begged for the opposite end of what I desire.

It’s not until this post can I put words into for what I’ve longed, what I’ve lacked in firsthand experience by the limitations this body brings.

I didn’t know that someone and others can or want to feel the need of what I just want to provide by default. All I know is how to give love, though I grieve at my hardship in not knowing how to receive adoration. This post takes what leaves me broken, shattered, but melts it into a new material. I’ve felt the fragility of glass, but it’s the reflective and refractive heat of metal that desire brings intimacy into the forge.

I freeze. Genuinely, I blame myself for having to survive, having to feel the absences from all of the trust I’ve lost. It weighs and remains true to this day. I live in the constance of confusion, the multitude of grievances I feel between pleasure and violation. The avoidance through solace is an apprehension that brings inconvenience by the senses survival is brought upon by traumas and tragedies.

I may appear to walk casually or nonchalantly, but there’s a slight heaviness within my gait. I find safety in the feeling of not needing to know words to simply walk over and straddle myself to a lovingly and welcomingly lap—I cry and whimper. My heart, it achingly flutters and palpitates as a response from everlasting hurts I’ve encountered.

I do get overwhelmed. I’m tender and vulnerable, and it’s exhausting in a world that is incentivized to prey upon anything within my queerness that cannot be commodified or sold. I have to rest, and I need the reassurance of protection and safety. In such, I dig deeply into being wrapped by those arms in the art of contortion and nuzzling, embracing the human need for touch within vulnerable adoration.

I want to feel human and for once feel the need to apologize for my humanity.

hello universe i don’t often beg but i am here on my KNEES asking you for a boy who will casually walk over to me and without saying anything will straddle himself over my lap, wrap his arms around me, nuzzles his face into my body, and asks for me to hold him. i want someone who makes me die a little on the inside each time i feel him because my heart is so overwhelmed with love and adoration for him. i am a simple man, and my desires for a guy who inspires a deep need to protect, fawn over, take care, tease, and shower in love has reached a critical breaking point.

Popping in for a sec to vent because it's 6 am n I keep having flashbacks and thoughts.

LONG RANT/VENT AHEAD!!!!

My first relationship screwed me up more than I thought, id try to confide in him about my trauma n things but he down played mine and practically said his was worse...

So without fully realizing I constantly felt the need this urge to defend my cpstd with anyone even family.

I never feel validated for what I've been through and I have been through a lot...

From the age of 16-18 I'd let anyone take advantage of me, use me I did not care about myself I still don't really but it was worse back then..

The things I let myself go through the things I'd do to myself I regret it I'm ashamed of myself for it...

I was in such a dark place and no one cared no one.

I did not protect myself from anyone I'd let guys just do whatever they wanted to me...

Now realizing the gravity of what happened to me n what I did to myself I'm glad I'm somewhat out of being that person that I was..

But it still haunts me the memories haunt me the people around me disgust me because they just let it happen no one stopped to help me to give me support or love now I have to that to myself which is incredibly hard to do..

I constantly downplay my own emotions and stuff I can't trust anyone or let anyone completely in because of all this crap weighing in on me n I think people are full of shit when they say they care about me..

Because most of the time they are no one sticks around people talk to me for a while then drop me n don't talk to me anymore.

I honestly feel validated by it like yeah leave just get away from me already I don't need you I don't need anyone.

But I crave connection only to find it then destroy it eventually.

I can't keep up with talking to people texting is hard n draining so I can tend to be a dry texter or an awkward one honestly I don't know what kind of texter I am to people but eh...

This is a long babble so I'm going to just leave this now.

YOU ARE VALID YOUR TRAUMA IS VALID DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT ISNT TRAUMA IS TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!

goodnight or good morning to anyone who reads this I'm going to go to try to sleep now...

I'll never forget what you did to me and I hate you with every inch of my being for that

https://gofund.me/90ce02f2 help me raise funds to get out of my abusive household and find piece

I am tired of ppl that tell ppl with mental health to get over it work through it your no different like shut up you don't know what's it like in my head they just want you to get over so they don't have to deal with you