Btw: Drew Myself. Didnt Know Exactly What Do So I Attempted A More Realistic Things Turned Out Pretty

Btw: drew myself. Didn’t know exactly what do so I attempted a more realistic things turned out pretty good imo.

And if someone else in this system calls me Grumpy Bear I’m gonna lose it :) /hj

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What’s the origin of my name? Glad you asked!

Andras literally no one asked-

SO, obviously I changed my name from Simon to Andras. The meaning of the name that comes up when first searched (“manly, masculine, and brave”) are not why I chose it to be my new name.

THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE IS WHY IT’S MY NEW NAME! :D

This is the demon Andras. He is a part of the Ars Goetia (he was the 63rd to be summoned by King Solomon) and is the spirit of discord, war, and lightning.

Those who summon him and succumb to his influence become emotionally lethargic, and eventually give up their battle. He also has command over storms in some mythos.

Source (at least the one that sums up all the information. I would suggest doing extra research too. However, I would like to make it clear that we don’t really believe in demons. This is a lot more like Greek or Roman mythology to us.)

Needless to say this demon guy is actually really interesting and where I got my new name from and I wanted to share it because he’s really cool. :)

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I haven't read all the responses but i will say: sometimes people won't forgive you even if you've changed for the better and frankly that's just whatever. forgiving you is up to them whether or not you've changed but self-improvement is an important thing. however it is kind of shitty that they keep smearing you and your friends after you've changed

Yeah. That’s the hardest part of it all (and frankly why I kept feeling so fucking guilty about what I did). Because the whole story behind it is, I had apologized for what I had done. I said I was sorry, I explained why I did it, I bettered myself, learned what I could do differently if put in that situation again in the future, and did my best to make amends still moving forward.

But then again, this person emotionally abused Blue (our host), and played on their trust issues and explained system responsibility as “no alter should be trusted,” because some of us saw through the bullshit and realized they were being manipulative. They constantly downplayed our boundaries, constantly used mistakes against us despite constantly reassuring Blue that mistakes are perfectly fine and you’re meant to learn from them! X3 (which… like yeah. You learn from mistakes. That’s the entire point), and constantly threatened to end the relationship saying that their alters in front kept fighting about whether we should remain friends or not. Hell, they even asked us for stuff constantly and never gave anything back (which isn’t a requirement but like… they even got so pissed because we had no money to buy them something. You’re an adult. Autism isn’t an excuse to get so fucking pissed at us that you trigger our trauma of our ex abuser).

And then we ended the friendship because we had enough of it. Blue was in agreement, which is why we finally broke it off. They threw a tantrum, forced a mutual friend to block us, and then proceeded to drag our system through the mud by pulling out what I had done a month prior to the ending of the relationship without even giving context to what happened or explaining how I had apologized and attempted to make amends.

Now some people are mad and wishing us dead. But… clearly it’s not about us or us making amends for them. Something I’ve realized while reading through this. Because that entire group of people see accountability as taking the blame and being shamed for it. They don’t care about if I get better or worse. They just care about having a perceived moral high ground above us.

That realization alone has helped so much because it’s just… they don’t actually care. The people who are mad at us and refuse to listen to our side don’t actually care. They just want the perceived moral high ground.

Needless to say, these replies have helped so much because it’s helped me process that (especially since a lot of people have given me the proper definitions of system responsibility and accountability)

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Does anyone else have that one friend whose sleep schedule is like an ever-evolving mystery? One day they’ll appear to be asleep for the entire 16 hours that you’re awake, but the next three they won’t appear to actually sleep at all. Sometimes they appear to be on Australian time, other times their schedule has adjusted to somewhere in the middle of the Pacific ocean. (I call this Cthulhu time.) You go a week without seeing them and you have no idea if they’re just really busy, dead, or if their sleep has simply synced up to the exact hours you’re awake and online. The only indication that they’re still in this mortal coil is vague posts about grocery shopping that pop up on their blogs at 4:12AM. 

Ya'll deserve some assurance, i like this post <3 (credit: top of pic)

- j

Well, the main issue was who blame is placed on. Mostly because of past trauma. As more people respond, I realize just how much our past trauma has affected me and how I view making amends (as well as it does for everyone else in the system).

Because I realize now that what I meant by at fault was simply just “who is to blame and who should be shamed for these actions?” Because I’m a recovering persecutor. The entire system has taken responsibility for the actions and tried to make amends, only to later have what happened and what we thought we’d amended for used to take away any friends we had left after we broke off a relationship with an abuser (someone who used our systemhood against us constantly and tried to keep the alters who weren’t already under their strict control at bay. Sadly Blue had fallen into their trap before discovering the system and were already pretty under their thumb until Nightmare had mentioned how similarly they were acting to another abuser of ours).

Like… seriously. As I keep seeing people respond to this, I realize that what I’m trying to do is shame myself for something I did my best to make amends for, as did the rest of my system. Because the people who are mad at us refuse to hear our side of the story and simply only care about being “morally right” because our abuser was labeled as “more traumatized” than us.

When I asked who was at fault, it was the abuse I had internalized for many years as I’ve come to realize now. Because it was never about making amends anymore, but who should be shamed for what happened because that is all our abusers have done to us in the past. It was never about forgiveness or doing better, it was all about shame and placing blame on someone.

So… all the responses people have given to this post have really helped a lot. Thank you all :)

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Another poll kinda related to the earlier one that is less specific.

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