I Haven't Read All The Responses But I Will Say: Sometimes People Won't Forgive You Even If You've Changed

I haven't read all the responses but i will say: sometimes people won't forgive you even if you've changed for the better and frankly that's just whatever. forgiving you is up to them whether or not you've changed but self-improvement is an important thing. however it is kind of shitty that they keep smearing you and your friends after you've changed

Yeah. That’s the hardest part of it all (and frankly why I kept feeling so fucking guilty about what I did). Because the whole story behind it is, I had apologized for what I had done. I said I was sorry, I explained why I did it, I bettered myself, learned what I could do differently if put in that situation again in the future, and did my best to make amends still moving forward.

But then again, this person emotionally abused Blue (our host), and played on their trust issues and explained system responsibility as “no alter should be trusted,” because some of us saw through the bullshit and realized they were being manipulative. They constantly downplayed our boundaries, constantly used mistakes against us despite constantly reassuring Blue that mistakes are perfectly fine and you’re meant to learn from them! X3 (which… like yeah. You learn from mistakes. That’s the entire point), and constantly threatened to end the relationship saying that their alters in front kept fighting about whether we should remain friends or not. Hell, they even asked us for stuff constantly and never gave anything back (which isn’t a requirement but like… they even got so pissed because we had no money to buy them something. You’re an adult. Autism isn’t an excuse to get so fucking pissed at us that you trigger our trauma of our ex abuser).

And then we ended the friendship because we had enough of it. Blue was in agreement, which is why we finally broke it off. They threw a tantrum, forced a mutual friend to block us, and then proceeded to drag our system through the mud by pulling out what I had done a month prior to the ending of the relationship without even giving context to what happened or explaining how I had apologized and attempted to make amends.

Now some people are mad and wishing us dead. But… clearly it’s not about us or us making amends for them. Something I’ve realized while reading through this. Because that entire group of people see accountability as taking the blame and being shamed for it. They don’t care about if I get better or worse. They just care about having a perceived moral high ground above us.

That realization alone has helped so much because it’s just… they don’t actually care. The people who are mad at us and refuse to listen to our side don’t actually care. They just want the perceived moral high ground.

Needless to say, these replies have helped so much because it’s helped me process that (especially since a lot of people have given me the proper definitions of system responsibility and accountability)

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Well, the main issue was who blame is placed on. Mostly because of past trauma. As more people respond, I realize just how much our past trauma has affected me and how I view making amends (as well as it does for everyone else in the system).

Because I realize now that what I meant by at fault was simply just “who is to blame and who should be shamed for these actions?” Because I’m a recovering persecutor. The entire system has taken responsibility for the actions and tried to make amends, only to later have what happened and what we thought we’d amended for used to take away any friends we had left after we broke off a relationship with an abuser (someone who used our systemhood against us constantly and tried to keep the alters who weren’t already under their strict control at bay. Sadly Blue had fallen into their trap before discovering the system and were already pretty under their thumb until Nightmare had mentioned how similarly they were acting to another abuser of ours).

Like… seriously. As I keep seeing people respond to this, I realize that what I’m trying to do is shame myself for something I did my best to make amends for, as did the rest of my system. Because the people who are mad at us refuse to hear our side of the story and simply only care about being “morally right” because our abuser was labeled as “more traumatized” than us.

When I asked who was at fault, it was the abuse I had internalized for many years as I’ve come to realize now. Because it was never about making amends anymore, but who should be shamed for what happened because that is all our abusers have done to us in the past. It was never about forgiveness or doing better, it was all about shame and placing blame on someone.

So… all the responses people have given to this post have really helped a lot. Thank you all :)

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Another poll kinda related to the earlier one that is less specific.

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don't worry babygirl I can totally front for the math test ;) (he can't read)

Does anyone else have that one friend whose sleep schedule is like an ever-evolving mystery? One day they’ll appear to be asleep for the entire 16 hours that you’re awake, but the next three they won’t appear to actually sleep at all. Sometimes they appear to be on Australian time, other times their schedule has adjusted to somewhere in the middle of the Pacific ocean. (I call this Cthulhu time.) You go a week without seeing them and you have no idea if they’re just really busy, dead, or if their sleep has simply synced up to the exact hours you’re awake and online. The only indication that they’re still in this mortal coil is vague posts about grocery shopping that pop up on their blogs at 4:12AM. 

Message to other survivors:

TW// child on child SA

You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to hate them. You don’t need to forgive them. Even they didn’t know what they were doing. Even if they were probably a victim too. Even if they were younger than you. You’re allowed to be upset about what they did to you.

So many people love to say “oh but they were probably a victim too!” When child on child SA survivors speak up. But the fact is, even if they were a victim too it doesn’t change the fact that it hurt you, that they hurt you.

So if you do want to forgive them, you can! But you don’t have too. You have a right to be upset and angry as much as any other SA survivors. Just know you’re not alone, there’s other people out there who understand, and your experiences and feelings are valid <3

👥👴💕

For the system ask game?

Ask game

👥 - How many people are in your system?

🩶👻: Too many. We’ve got about 400 or so now?? We stopped counting after 350… though some of them might be NPCs. We don’t really care either way, in all honesty. Still a bunch of people in our head.

👴 - Who is the oldest?

🍓: Technically my son is the “oldest.” He’s the god of death, and is as old as time itself. Now, if you’re talking about alter who has been around the longest, that would be a three way tie between Vent, Ghost, and Toast. Some might have been around longer than that, but we don’t know for sure right now.

💕 - Do you prefer in-system dating or out-of-system dating?

🍓: I personally prefer in-system dating, mostly because it just feels like we can actually be ourselves. And it helps with jealousy a lot, since I feel I know my headmates better than I know everyone else.

🩶👻: Gotta agree with Blue on that one. No offense to everyone outside of our system, but I feel a lot closer to my headmates than anyone else. Especially since we can actually be close to one another. We don’t have to worry about someone else fronting on accident when my husband and I are on a date, and we can actually see each other as we really are in headspace (except the times when people look hella weird in here. Or the little voice glitches… anyone else get those?? It’s weird). Overall, I can actually spend close time and be able to… yknow… cuddle and spend time together and be a regular couple like we would if neither of us were apart of this system and had our own bodies. But I can see the appeal of out-of-system dating too.

🔥🐰: Adding in my two cents here at the end, out-of-system dating goes worse for me, mostly because you worry constantly, especially if you’re dating a singlet. Or if you’re dating someone from another system. There’s always going to be that… feeling of disconnect, where you don’t get to spend time with each other as you are in headspace. It feels like they don’t actually know you. And then… what if they have an affair with someone in their own system and you’ll never know because all the proof is in headspace?? Or if someone else is fronting and it’s not actually your s/o?? Basically, been burned before by out-of-system dating. But that’s just me.

🩶👻: Yeah. Again, I can see either way, but we are definitely a lot more… in-system dating oriented. No one has an out-of-system partner anymore.