A Report! From Inside The Walls Of Aiden

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Aiden

Sand was swept by the wind as I made my way into the Mallmart store of Okaloosa County. Being greeted by the harsh fluorescent lighting and the song "Dancing Queen" playing overhead, I made my way to the back rooms with a nervous energy gripping my stomach. Because this is the story of Aiden Gossman.

"Dude, there's no blog." 

"No, there's a blog. I don't have a Tumblr but there's definitely a blog." Taylor reassured him. The two sat at a table in the breakroom, biding their time before they clocked in for another day at Mallmart. "Dude, they wouldn't even let me take a day off without them taking some of my Mallmart points off! For real!" Aiden, was originally from Georgia, caring for the many animals that filtered in and out of his home at an early age. With long blonde hair that he dyes brown, and sunglasses always on his face, Aiden was a truly unique individual. Luck had an odd relationship with him as he often found himself in hot water, making it out by the skin of his teeth. And as luck would have it, he walked away from a car crash relatively unscathed. 

When he first got hit, he had thought for sure he was dead. The flip of the car left him winded and the seatbelt dug into his skin, drawing blood and making it impossible to breathe. His hands felt around for the buckle but as many times as he clicked the release, it didn't let go. He was suspended there, up above the roof of his car, staring down at the crushed metal and broken glass, and the growing pool of gasoline beneath him. Aiden Gossman was not going to give up. Pushing the button of the seatbelt down he wiggled and strained against it with all his might until the seat belt retracted and he was roughly thrown to the ground. Aiden crawls out through his shattered driver's door window, and makes his way out into the growing crowd. 

Aiden thinks of this as he works in the dental aisle, the crunch of the glass, the way people seemed more concerned that he left his passenger behind, when he was in an empty car. The fact people seemed less worried about his well being. Now here he was, back to life as normal, and even punished for taking a necessary day off. Mallmart didn't care if you took the day off for your birthday or because you needed your appendix out. Failure to comply with the schedule was insubordination all the same. And Aiden was already down to his last two points. "Aiden!" A young woman, Tori, looked at him intensely from her spot at the end of the aisle. Was he already in trouble? "Were you in that car wreck the other day?" Her voice sounded heartbroken, as she eyed him with concern. "For real, I was." He smiled, taking a step down from his topstock cart. "Which one were you? The grey or the white car?" 

"The grey one."

"Oh my god!" The grey one, was the one that had been completely flipped upside down, after all. 

So when Aiden inevitably walked into the breakroom that afternoon for lunch and saw Taylor and I sitting at the table, chatting he was ready to explain everything that happened in depth. He took a seat, took a deep breath and watched as our gazes latched onto him, curiously. And he spoke, and despite his way of speaking being peppered with "dudes" and "for reals" we were completely hooked. It felt as if we'd been there. "Put that, in your sad little blog, Ciara!" He grins at my scowl. We probably looked like the masks of comedy and tragedy at that moment. 'Aiden was a pompous and insufferable little man who-'

I shut the narration down. 'No, the man nearly lost his life. The least I could do was be nice to him for today.'

"Rosa was so shocked when I called her," He continued on regardless of my irritation. "Like she totally kept gasping every time I spoke. I was like, "Hello, is this Rosa?" And it didn't even sound like her dude! Like I thought I had some random stranger lady on the phone,"

I found myself having difficulty containing my laughter. Aiden had a magnetic way of speaking. He wasn't stilted and awkward and ugly at conversation at all. He had us all on our toes with this sort of down to earth account of things, that was reaching a feverish pitch of humor. He had a personality for story telling, and it was sublime. 

"And I was all, "Oh I got into a car accident at the intersection, and she was all 'gasp!'-

 And she asked if I was okay and I told her that I wasn't hurt, my car got totaled since it got rolled, "gasp!" And then I told her that I had to go give my statement-"

"'gasp!'" I helpfully supplied, and he choked on a laugh so infectious that it yanked mine out, a string of drool sliding from my lips which I frantically wiped at and hid my face in embarrassment as I laughed, tears budding in my eyes from the exertion. "No- I- Ciara she didn't-" He struggled through barks of laughter. "I can't breathe-" Taylor giggled, her face flush. We sat there for a moment, trying to catch our breaths.

"You really are lucky with how little injuries you got, that could've gone really badly." Taylor's voice was still wavering slightly from her earlier laughter, but nobody missed the seriousness in her eyes. "Yeah well, I think my luck is better after that car accident. Dude, don't look at me like that! I'm onto something!" 

"Well take it easy, alright? Don't go getting yourself killed," Taylor stood, retreating over to the cabinet to put her sanrio purse away. 

"You know, everyone can see you like her. You're not exactly subtle,"

"Taylor is a wonderful employee, Aiden-"

The disapproval in Aiden's eyes reminds me that this was just a one off. So when he goes back to talking to Taylor when she sits back down, I find it hard to write about Aiden Gossman anymore.

A Product Recommendation!

The Billie Eilish Moonbeam Razor has changed my life. When working at Mallmart, I found there was a lot of new glow in the dark stock that was being placed on shelves in the health and beauty section of the store. Things like, glow in the dark tooth brushes, glow in the dark bath bombs, glow in the dark bandages-

This item stood out to me because of its potential longevity, and plus... It's purple, how could I not buy it? So, after work I purchased the Billie razor, and eagerly drove home in hopes of spending my time off from work staring at it in a dark, quiet, bathroom. Unfortunately when I took it out of it's packaging, I found that it did not glow. Not even a little bit.

I went through the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining. 'Billie, why would you lie to me?' I questioned. Luckily, a friend of mine had suggested it may be solar powered and to leave it in the sun. So, I sat it in my windowsill, perhaps a bit discouraged and disbelieving at this point, and after an hour- wouldn't you know it? It did in fact glow!

Now, every morning and evening, I bring my Billie Eilish Moonbeam Razor out to the backyard to feed. I dance around the razor, chanting

"Feed, my child, feed!" My razor now glows brighter than my future. My razor eats the sun itself for sustenance. It becomes ever stronger, taking in it's nourishment from the light like a plant. I am building a shrine for my glow in the dark Billie moonbeam razor. Am I feeling material feelings for this razor? Or perhaps see it as a well loved pet?

My neighbors now chant with me from across the bayou. They chant, "Feed! Yes, feed!" As well, but they do not know yet why. All they see is a crazy lady clad in pajamas dancing rhythmically around a razor, laughing maniacally. They do not know the joy of the glowing razor so tonight I will go out into the backyard and wave the razor over my head to show them. We can pray to it together. My glow in the dark razor is now a god.

So remember to make sure to get your Billie Eilish Moonbeam Razor in stores today! (This is not a paid sponsorship)

REBLOG IF UR BLOG IS SAFE FOR THERIANS AND FURRIES

oh no....

OH NO...

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

The sky was black as blood, and the winds of Okaloosa County wept in anguish as I braced myself for an inescapable presence that held its claws over my life. The harshness of the white glow pulsating through those glass doors, and a full 9 hours laid in waiting for me like a hungry beast waits for its prey. I step past the barrier, and that dense, stale air hits me with a sense of nostalgia. 

Working at Mallmart takes a hold of you in all sorts of ways. It's easy to lose yourself, your sense of identity. Some people eat more, some people eat less. Some of the associates feel resentment towards those who work the night shift vs the day shift. Some spend their hours staring up at the skies, or their bedroom ceilings wondering why a god would allow such a retail store to exist. I choose to keep my smile wide, and my voice decisive. I keep my line of sight on the faces of the customers and my legs always moving, as I go from shelf to shelf. What about those who have not yet been molded into a Mallmart employee though? This is the story of the Mallmart associate.

You read the books, you went through the online training and guides, and now it is time for you to walk out onto the main sales floor! However, there are some things you need to be informed of in order to properly take on the responsibilities of being a Mallmart associate. One such thing is the backrooms of store. In the backrooms, we have everything divided by department. To the far east of the store, there is the sporting goods, hardware and home supplies. Towards the center of the store, the heart, is our health and beauty products, and to the far west wing, is our groceries and chemical products. Be sure to always take from one section of the back rooms at a time, and take appropriate precautions when handling our chemical and hazardous materials. Make sure to announce before you go down into the rows of shelves as the shelves have a function where they can be moved and it is really awkward when associates get crushed between shelves.

If by chance, the emergency overhead alarm goes off, and the doors all close, do not be alarmed. Simply continue working, and follow the lead of your coworkers. Some products do not have a sales floor location, for those products it is best to set them aside to be checked if they are part of a new module. 

Do not stand under skylights that are dripping viscous black ink. You may feel yourself trapped in its gaze, but when ink leaks from the skylights, it is important to have an associate stand guard while keeping their eyes away from the skylight, while another associate contacts maintenance. This goes the same for the glass doors at the front doors, or the back emergency exit. 

Always make sure to take your scheduled breaks. Mallmart cares about all their employees, and hopes to take care of their associates as much as possible. Failure to take your scheduled breaks will result in re education on Mallmart's core values. If you find yourself needing to take a re education course, go down to the small hallway connecting the heart of the back rooms to west wing, and continue on the dark, windowless room labeled "Mallmart Training". 

"Now," I push my glasses up as I grin at the three new trainees. "Have you heard the story of the three weed smoking girlfriends?"

Fashion Advice! With Madam Macabre!

When trying on makeup, clothes or jewelry, it can be helpful to look into your seasonal complexion to understand colors that may stand out and make a statement in your wardrobe! Since there are 12 seasonal complexions, I will take the liberty of going into depth of one complexion type a month to dive into the depths of these fantastic looks-

This month is warm spring/April

Warm spring is characterized by those who have warm colored hair such as rich golds, coppery reds, and golden browns. Their complexion is bronzy and glowing with the youth of spring, and their eyes are green toned like the seas of Okaloosa County.

Notable celebrities with this complexion are Beki Newton and Jada Pinkett Smith. Those who fall into this season may consider fun warm colors, especially in peachy tones and earthy hues. Don't be scared of that bright fun yellow shirt! Consider embracing it!