Suburban Goth - Tumblr Posts

In Regards to Misanthropy

I know that humanity has had a history full of blemishes, and they never scar over. They are still an open wound steadily dripping through time and could possibly continue until we address some major issues, mostly regarding how we treat the world around us as a whole. Thoughts and beliefs that have been passed down from generation to generation without asking ourselves the question 'why?'. The thing is though that humanity is amazing and complex and so, so unexpected because humans can choose to do anything with their limited time on this earth and sometimes humans choose to do beautiful things, not because of those thoughts and beliefs that's shaped them, but in spite of it.

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Okaloosa County

Everyone knows that Floridian storms can be significantly destructive, especially on the coastline. Since Okaloosa is an island off the shores of Florida and Alabama, the storm that came and shook up our lovely little town on the 10th of May have left fences damaged and toppled over, trees uprooted, and our beloved lawn flamingos swept away into the seas of Emerald Bay. Repairs are being made to bring Niceville back to its former glory by the NRCS, and a lovely crew of dedicated landscapists on independent contract. The council of concerned citizens of Niceville have discussed in length how to avoid a repeat of the harrowing lawn flamingo incident, stating that this wreckage and pollution of Emerald bay will tear our town apart. The unconcerned citizens of Niceville have countered this, stating that this storm was nothing compared to the history of great storms that have hit Okaloosa, and that "Back in my day, whole houses were devoured by storms! This generation is too sensitive!" The discussion amongst the councils then devolved into name calling. 

A Product Recommendation!

Is your Billie Eilish Razor not bright enough to cure your year long SAD? Are you tired of being injured by dodging moving shelves in the backrooms and want a stylish way to keep your blood inside your body? Try glow in the dark bandaids by Welly! No need to call Okaloosa emergency services, just slap on about 5 of these bad boys and you will be ready for your next shift! Remember, bandages are solar powered so keep a steady supply of UV light and blood sacrifices to keep your welly bandages at optimal glowing function! (This is not a paid advertisement)

My Mother: Please, wear something normal for once

Me:

The Brick

Have you ever heard of the term, 'brick thrower?' The most common usage of the term is when an individual commits a petty crime in order to return to jail. Another usage of the word, was someone who was willing to do the dirty work, especially in relation to weddings. The one who carries red wine in a flask to 'spill' on anyone who wears white that isn't the bride, the one who stops people at the door who are obviously looking to cause a scene, the one who discreetly deals with confrontation so the newly wedded couple doesn't fret on their wedding day.

I was my family's brick thrower. Chaos fit me like a glove, and I was willing to slip into this role because it was the only role I had available to me. I didn't know what to expect when we traveled to my hometown. It has been so long since I had returned home and I had nothing to show for it. The longer you go north, the more the headlights slowly blink out of existence. The more color is leached out of the air, and your surroundings become darker, and soon I know I'm home. It's quiet here. Much quieter than Niceville, and instead of it feeling comfortable like I never left, I am acutely aware of the fact I fled south in hopes of a different life. I feel like a stranger trespassing into someone's house. I feel awkward, and it certainly shows. If I close my eyes and embrace the cold waves of realization-

 that I may always be an outsider to my own family, maybe I can tolerate it.  There wasn't any way of pretending I'm the same. I've… changed considerably since I moved. My hair is full of grays, my body is covered in bruises, my mannerisms are different, and my very soul is owned by Mallmart. 

There was no foreboding weather, no ominous black ink, no eerie visions that go against the fabric of our reality. This was a normal town…and I feared it. At first it was nice. A relief even, but now that I know that I no longer belong in this place that was once a home to me, leaves me feeling like I'm better off not visiting again. That maybe whatever is happening in Okaloosa County, needs to stay contained. "I think I see the hospital where gram stayed for those final days." My uncle pointed out the window of the rental car. While I knew exactly where she had stayed, my eyes followed along the point of his finger, reaching over to the hospital building in a cluster of odd geometric structures that were other buildings and yet from this far seemed like a blur of shapes. "You remember your grandmother, right Ciara?" Of course I did. I remember her being adventurous and unafraid in all of my time knowing her. Strange little memories about her flitted around my head. We had all lived in the same house for so long. My grandmother was not afraid to venture out on her own from time to time, but she never went far. Sometimes she owned a house just down the block from our house, or left unexpectedly for a few weeks, but she always came back. I remember her taking us to school, her white blonde hair curled into heavy rolls, her rhinestone jacket, and her gold 2003 Lincoln. 

I remember sitting in the back seat with the side of my face squished against the car window, the windows fogged up by the cold rain pouring outside and the sweltering heat inside the car. She stared ahead, as that song played in the background. Have you ever heard the song by Bobby McFerrin? "Don't Worry, Be Happy"? Of course you have, it's a pretty well known song. She played this song constantly, while staring dead eyed into the traffic. It was almost unsettling, how in a trance she would get. "Grammy, the seagulls!" I shouted, as her car swerved towards a flock of wings there on the seaside bridge. I could hear the turbulence of seagulls not getting out of the way in time, and I looked out the back window of the car, feathers  spitting from the back wheels into the air as we rode on. "Cause when you worry your face will frown, and that will bring everybody down, so don't worry. Be happy~" the song played on. 

I remember the moment that she died, on that hospital bed, miles from home. She was thin and hollow looking, like if you touched her she might break. "You aren't Ciara, who are you?" She asked, her gaze was hard as steel. And they were dark, impossibly dark. It was as if her pupils had swallowed her eyes whole. I didn't say anything in response because I didn't know how to answer.  That was the last thing she ever said to me, before she succumbed to heart complications. Of course I remember her.

"Oh whenever I see a red cardinal, I know she's visiting," My aunt adds on, smiling. "If she was here for this wedding, she would not set foot into their church." My uncle was correct here, and my aunt nodded. "I remember back when you thought god would strike you dead the moment you stepped into a church other than our own. Now look at us, risking it all… shelling out all this money we don't have and to top it off it isn't even at our church." This is where it begins. My family had a unique dynamic where we needed a scapegoat. Someone to hate together. The current consensus was that the in laws were it. "And they claimed the outfits we bought weren't appropriate wedding attire! Can you believe it? Who are they-" I began to drown it out in favor of watching the hospital building become unreachable to my line of vision. 

There were a lot of things that separated me from the rest of my family. For one, my interests did not align with any of theirs. I remember desperately trying to find common ground between Axton, Jenna and Kelsey. I remember talking about the same tired topics with Sydney and her trying to show enthusiasm. We started out so close, liking the same things and then… I guess life happened? They all move on and I'm still the same. "Oh don't ever change, Ciara. We like you as you are!" They say, but they are going so far away, and I haven't covered any ground. I'm also aware, my mannerisms leave much to be desired. I never know how to talk at these big events. I never know where to start. So, I stayed quiet at the table. I didn't even try to breach the topic of that phone call a month ago. I kept my head down and I stayed the same even when the world around me was urging me to change. I'm a stranger to them now, and it's nobody's fault but my own. "So, how are the accounting classes going?" A voice flavored in vanilla and honey asks. I look across the table as Macy looks expectantly with that grin. "I uh… it's going well…" 'She's trying to invite you into the conversation, say something you idiot!' a voice in my head screams as I sit there sweating. "I-" but the conversation had moved on, and the gap that had opened for me was now closed. I looked down at the glasses set up in front of me, one with water and one with wine. I had never drank before but suddenly I was tempted. I could try to talk again… I looked up at the guests at the table, occasionally shooting awkward glances like 'why is she here?'. 

 I took a looong sip of the wine in front of me. "You're working at Mallmart?" A lady, who I did not recognize at the table, asked. Everyone looked over at me, and my skin crawled. "Well yeah… I'm in stocking-"

"Oh good for you! I bet you're doing such a good job at that!" Macy exclaimed. The words, written out here sound supportive. They sound kind, even. She had this tone though, one that I heard from teachers back when I was in school, from other family members, from doctors. It was the "good job, buddy!" Voice that people put on when they think they're smarter than you. It was the voice of condescension. 

I seethed in my seat, as the conversation continued on. I wanted to go scorched earth on everyone in this party, but that would only showcase my immaturity. So I did the only thing I could think to do. "I wish you weren't so late. Angus had flown all the way from Miami and he didn't get delayed at all." Macy's mother said, and I replied. "Oh, well Angus was able to put down $150,000 for the flight, and we couldn't afford it and the ferry ride. We really tried our hardest though, but you know-

It all adds up pretty fast." I knew this would start an argument. As soon as I spoke of the expenses I knew I had struck a nerve, as my aunt's face went hot with anger. "And due to the delay we had to repay for our luggage to be checked! We sacrificed so much to be here, all of us-!!" They were fighting now. Full on, raising their voice, laying it all out on the table

Because I was a petty bitch. I looked over at the lovely wedded couple to be. They're eyes gazed at me pleadingly. "Save me, Ciara! Ciara! Ciara, save me!" Their gazes said, and instead of saving them, I got up from my chair and began stacking my plate with the petite delights at the desert buffet. Grinning a shit eating grin in the background as I watched the chaos unfold. 'I think… I think I'll help myself to the dessert wine too!' I think to myself, grabbing a brandy infused cherry wine off the party table, and filling my glass to the top. 

As I sat there, drinking, I noticed someone familiar, sitting amongst family and friends and yet complete alone. An island, unspoken to by anyone. Jenna sat there, pregnant and without a friend in her corner looking as miserable as I felt. And it was heartbreaking. I hadn't even known she was pregnant until now. Nobody said a word, only mentioning about a horrible breakup that took place months ago. We hadn't always gotten along. While I was something of a black sheep, she had been a highschool cheerleader, and went on to medical school. She never acted out, she was always reliable and responsible, and just…this was wrong. It felt so wrong, that she was being shut out. She tried to talk to people too- I watched her. Only to be ignored. So before I could even register myself walking across the room, I was already taking a seat next to her. "Hiii, Jenna…" I grinned widely, ignoring the way she flinched. For a moment, she eyed me wearily. "....What do you want?" She asked. "I was wondering what you've been up to? I haven't heard from you in so long!" Her eyes started watering. "I'm sorry… I didn't know how to start a conversation, I just… I didn't mean to make you cry," She blinked a couple times at my stuttering out an explanation for why I was talking to her. "I can't be with Rob anymore. I'm not getting back with him, if that's what this is about." 

"No, that's not. Has anyone else been? Pressuring you to get back together with him, I mean." There was a long pause, as Jenna stared out amongst the guests, still arguing. "Everyone has." She states in a flat, blunt voice.

"Who wears a polka dot tie to a wedding?! Of course we told you to change!" A voice screeched from at the far end of the room. Jenna stared down into the table, her brow furrowed. "Let's blow this popsicle stand," At that, her head snapped up, eyes wide. "We can't, we're on an island-"

"We'll take the ferry to get some real food. C'mon, what are they going to do anyways?" She thought about it for a moment, and then nodded her head, sitting up. "Okay let's go," she briskly walked for the door. And I followed her out, grabbing the rest of the dessert wine on my way out.

"You want some?" We stood there outside of a burger shack on the mainland. "I can't have wine, Ciara." Jenna reminds me. "Oh right… So this is really happening, huh?" Jenna has always had a stoic face, but now I can see how much this has been weighing on her. The way her brain buzzes with anxiety when thinking of what comes next is evident, and it makes you want to do anything you can to lessen that weight."I don't know if I can keep it. I don't know if I can do this alone, Ciara. I always thought this would go down so much differently-"

"You won't be alone, whatever you choose I'm your ride or die throughout this. Call me up and I will get up north by the skin of my teeth. Seriously, any time." This was punctuated by a swig off the bottle, but I meant it. Jenna did not deserve to do this alone, not after everything she sacrificed, every time she rose to the occasion. If no one was going to have her back, then it was going to be me. "Don't make promises you can't keep. I know you're busy with… Niceville." 

"I'm dead serious though. Yes, Mallmart can be demanding at times, but I'll drop everything, I'm promising you."

"I might have to hold you to it, then."  From that moment, we promised we'd be there for each other, no matter what. 

And you know what? We had fun, we laughed and we joked around and before I knew it… I was throwing up on the ferry ride home, with Jenna holding what was left of the hair that I lopped off in a drunken frenzy. "I think you threw up everything in your stomach, at this point you're just retching…" She mumbled, letting go of my hair and flipping onto her phone. "You can stay in my room tonight, if they see you cut and bleached your hair they're going to kill you and then me for letting it happen." There was a hint of a smile in her voice as she put on her Spotify playlist, swaying slightly to Nelly Furnado. "Good thinking! Ah… also I never really drank before so…" Jenna nodded at this in agreement. 

"You know, I'm a little disappointed… I was hoping riding the ferry would be just like in the Delores Claiborne movie," Jayna held back a laugh at my comment, and said, "Well, they did have to modernize a little since then, yeah?"

"Yeah, everything changes sooner or later…"

"Change doesn't have to be bad though, does it? I'm glad we're close again, and I'm sorry we didn't always- you know, get along?" I thought about what she said for a moment, about how change doesn't have to be bad. I didn't understand that. Every time change came into my life, it ripped the world out from under my feet, and I was always woefully unprepared. "I'm glad we're close again too." I finally settled on, as she rested her head on my shoulder.

I woke up a 3am, the morning of the wedding, with a pounding headache and confused as to what happened to my hair. It was quickly forgotten when I heard the sound of Jenna forcefully vomiting, in the small closet of a bathroom down the hall. Her hair still had glitter in it from our late night adventure. There had to be something that could help her. Like morning sickness pills or some sort of vitamin? But as I rummaged through her suitcase, I found nothing. The only thing I could do was get her a glass of water and hold her hair up if she needed it, making me realize how completely useless I was here. How long has she done exactly this, but with no one there? The thought was chilling. Eventually, after a long moment of hovering over the bowl, she leans back, swallowing roughly. I hand her the glass and she fills her mouth with the water, swirling it around her mouth before spitting it back out into the toilet. "You really should try to drink some, just a little bit." I mumble, taking a seat on the floor next to her. "I just need time… Just give me a second."  

"How long have you had morning sickness?" 

"I've had it almost the entire time. I'm not really sure, maybe a couple weeks in? I keep getting told it'll stop for sure by week 14, week 16, week 19. I don't see any end to this." She rolls her eyes as I help her up. "Do you have anything to help with the nausea?" I asked, my concern was only building. "Yeah, but it's back at home. I didn't think to pack it with me and I honestly thought we weren't as far from home as we actually are." Which yeah, I agree that I had thought the same. "We still have plenty of time before the wedding. Why don't you try to rest some and I'll see if I can make something up for breakfast. You don't have any aversions to-" 

"Unless you're planning on cooking with church incense, I'm fine." I nodded, turning on my heel. It's funny, most of us in the family had a strong dislike for the herbal concoction that was put in that thurible- whatever it was, I remember my mother saying she had to leave church because she couldn't stop retching. 

…

It's funny, time moves in ways that leave these gaps in my brain. I don't remember what happened that morning before the wedding. I try to and it leaves me even more frustrated because I know we were happy together, and that something important happened. But when I think back to that morning, my mind draws a blank after I walk into the kitchen to make breakfast. I do remember, going into the church for the wedding though.

An organ played as we walked in, and we waited to be struck dead for entering a church that was not our own. By some miracle, we still stood in a feverish daze as the scent of the hyacinth and peony flower arrangements dragged us over to the awaiting pews. Everyone wet eyed, everyone taking in the fact that this was actually happening. Change was coming quickly and there was nowhere to hide. Macy walked down the aisle, in that slim straight cut white dress, the train of the dress in lace behind her. She was beaming. There was a glow to her and it became clear to me that she loved Axton, possibly more than the nightmare family that had been dragging their feet this whole wedding. I started to wonder if maybe I had read this whole situation wrong. Maybe they weren't the ones in the wrong here. Maybe it was us. 

No. No, that couldn't be right. I'm being downright reasonable, is what I tell myself. She takes her place beside Axton, and the wedding ceremony begins. "Love is more than just words, it's shown in actions, and this couple has shown that more than anyone! From the moment they stood before us in this sacred church, their hands have never stopped holding each other," The minister continues on in the background as I stare at them. He's right, they haven't stopped holding hands since they were up there. "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous-"

I could feel his eyes burning into me, and I squirmed. I was imagining it. I just felt self conscious. "Love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude nor does it seek its own interests, it is not quick tempered-" the lights of the church flickered. When the lights came back on, the holy water that was set on the table at the pulpit was turned black. A dark, dark inky black, like the mysterious ink that came from the skylights of Mallmart. I could hear whispers of people asking if that's supposed to happen, so I know I hadn't imagined it. What's more, a lady came up to switch out the water with clear, clean water. 'The holy water went bad.' my brain supplied lamely. I expected Axton to be nervous as well, and yet…He kept holding his wife's hand, smiling and keeping his eyes locked into hers. They kiss, we clap, shows over. Everything is moving way too fast. How could I ever hope to keep up? 

"Whatever happened to you writing, Ciara?" An aunt of mine asks as we sit at a table. Axton and macy dancing amongst a crowd of people, and the music is loud with Taylor Swift lyrics that speak of love and heartbreak. Jayna scrolls on her phone absentmindedly, a slice of cake half eaten in front of her. "I'm not very good," I mumble sheepishly. "And accounting is practical! It's a reliable job that I can coast through without the threat of being without an occupation to pursue." 

"But you love telling stories, you really should get into some form of entertainment. That little blog of yours-"

"Madame Macabre."

"Riiight," She pinched the bridge of her nose between her index finger and thumb. This conversation has aged her by years, I can tell. "You need to think bigger! You used to love to sing, and- and-"

"My father always said I have a face for radio and a voice for silent movies so I'm thinking maybe that I'm out of luck in that area of expertise." I laugh awkwardly. She does not laugh with me, staring blankly as I squirm in my seat. "Why haven't you asked out that goth girl?" Well that came out of nowhere. 

"That's against Mallmart policies, for associates in the same department to be involved with one another goes against the core values of our establishment."

"So? Don't tell anyone! You almost never like anyone, and I'd hate to see you become some eccentric spinster with a house full of cats." My aunt, always delicate with her opinions, huh?

".... It's better when it's just jokes. I don't actually want to tell her I like her. She couldn't like me back, I'm too….weird." The table suddenly became very interesting to me at that moment, because my aunt's gaze was too hot on my skin. "Sweetie," She says, with emphasis on her words that caught me off guard. "All that repression is going to make you explode." And with that bit of wisdom, she stands, heading over to the bar. My phone buzzes, and there's a single message. "Management is look to fire me, Ciara." I stare at Taylor's text on my phone for a long, hard time. It was time to throw a brick.

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

"We need to do something!" I gazed out the window. There amongst the pines, a rabbit struggles against the grasp of a fox's maw, legs kicking feverishly. There was a fire there, burning in the fox's eyes. One that I didn't understand. Axton watches, his full attention on the blood that has started to bloom from that ashy tan fur. "Then go on, Ciara. Go out there and try." He's 10, and I'm 11. We've lived in this house, unallowed to invite guests over for most of our childhood. We've always lived in this house. "But…The fox won't have anything to eat though…" The rabbit's glossy black eyes are wide with terror, bulging from the skull. "I want to help the fox too. I want both the fox and the rabbit to be okay." My voice feels far away from my own lips. "You can't have it both ways, that's not fair! That's not how it works." Axton crosses his arms. 

As I step into the entrance doors of Mallmart I think about that conversation, because this is the story of a Mallmart Associate.

"Taylor Peyton. Is she, or is she not being fired?" The room was dark as usual, a small box fan blowing in the corner. Management wanted to fire Taylor for looking into the store's anomalies? Well then I was going to sink this ship with everyone in it. "We don't like to think of it as firing per se. Think of it as us helping her along to the next phase of her life. A next phase that doesn't have Mallmart in it." 

"Oh…Well, that's pretty funny actually. I think we can all have a laugh about this together. You know, you and I, and OSHA. Actually I have some stuff to add on too! Like the time you turned off the water to the break room on a heat wave. Or the time Ashante almost got crushed between shelves in the backrooms-"

"Are you threatening us, Ms.Shoggoth?" We stared at each other from across the desk in a sort of screwed up standoff. "Oh good, so we're on the same page." I nodded. 

…

"AVOID…DENY…DEFEND!" The re education video chimed as I sat there, watching the violent behavior courses. I don't know what I had expected really. Did I really think standing up to Management would be so simple? Gritting my teeth, I waited for the video to hit that 10 minute mark so I could click confirmation that I watched. Taylor was worth getting in trouble though, because she really was a marvelous employee. The fact that she was able to fit into all the required boxes and meet core values while still being so, so likeable was almost unheard of in retail and yet there she goes, looking into the incomprehensible horrors that lived in Mallmart on top of everything. Of course I was willing to fall on my sword for her. The classes were short this time, because there was a scheme lurking in the background I was not privy to. "I need you to scan all of the home goods now that you're done with the sporting good," I am told, and I nodd, eager to show my worth after the little spat I had gotten into that morning. So, that's what I did. I scanned the shelves, looking for items that would light up in the app, and then, another supervisor walked down into my terf of the backrooms. "Ciara! What are you doing in home goods? You're supposed to be in domestics! That's going to be a point deduction!" I grit my teeth, walking towards the domestics department of the backrooms. "Glaring like that, it feels very threatening, Ciara, are we going to have to write you up?"

"No ma'am-" and just like that, she'd turned the corner just for the original supervisor to walk in. "What are you doing? Did you finish home goods?"

"I thought I was told to go to domestics, I-"

"Why would you be in domestics? That's a point deduction there."

"But that's not fair!" I hiss under my breath, so quiet no one but I could hear. Because I knew what this was, they were setting up the grounds to get me out. They've done it before, and they'll do it again. Should I be surprised? No, this is just us playing a game here, a game that is absolutely rigged. I did the best I could though. Some of you may ask, why bother? Why not quit? 

Just why is Mallmart so important to work at anyways? In truth, I don't fully understand either. Maybe it's because I need the money. For my family, for myself. Maybe I'm that desperate to stay close to someone who intrigues me as much as Taylor Peyton- because she is fascinating, truly….maybe there's a fucked up part of me that likes playing martyr, that feels comfortable being submissive to a dead end job? I looked at the boxes stacked on my cart, all of them saying "team lift". Yeah, that was it, wasn't it? Everyone said I was gullible, suggestible, simple as a kid. I never believed them until now though. I guess that's just the humor in this all. 

 "Okay, now I'm depressed" I remember writing to the discord server that day. It's funny though, I can't remember when the writing happened. It must've been on my lunch break. It had to be, there's no time to chat during work otherwise. Not really. "What's wrong?" The apparition of a man writes, his message flashing onto the screen. Several of them are online, my closest companions.  I'm uncertain if I have permission to speak their names or even say too much about them- at least anything that might give away their identities. It's imperative for you to know going forward though, just how awe inspiring these individuals are, going forward. Because they are just that. "Just Mallmart, changing parts of me and how I see myself lol idk" 

"Is this your first retail job?"

'Oh gosh… you don't know the half of it.' Is what I think, letting out a groan of frustration. It was my first real job ever. It was the first job I'd had that wasn't connected to the name of a family member, the first time that I was truly independent… and here I was, sinking like the titanic. Sure, I knew how to work. I'd done construction, furniture, cleaning, transcription… but never under normal circumstances. Never outside the little community I was raised in. And somehow sharing that fact with a bunch of strangers on the internet seems far less daunting than admitting that to the man who seems lifetimes ahead of me in worldly experiences. I don't want to admit that I've barely begun to crawl. 

"Yes. I didn't know it was going to be like this!" 

"Yeah, retail sucks" Another friend barks back in agreement. The same friend who was probably one of the most ambitious and hard working people I'd ever met. I wondered for a second- maybe Mallmart, maybe this is just the retail experience? Maybe all stores have  skeletons in their closets all the same, and it's through the hard work and diligence of Mallmart's workers that it becomes liveable again, even inviting. 

I tried to keep that optimistic attitude, I really did, but by the end of the day, I was called back into management for a second time. And you know what? You know what they offered? They offered to wave away all the points I'd taken that day, so long as I forgot about calling OSHA. They sat me down real comfortable, and laid that bombshell one, that they were willing to come right out and say it rather than acting like they were in the right, or that there was even a reason. "You know, it would be just as easy to keep Taylor, instead of going to all this trouble. Final offer, Taylor Peyton stays and we stop documenting Mallmart." And like that, we struck a deal, shook hands. Of course I thought I won- at first. I texted into my phone to the discord server, explaining what had happened. "OSHA does allow anonymous reporting. Do not tell your employer that you're reporting them, no matter what. It won't get issues fixed, it will only get you outta there." The reply back read.

Well….

Shit.

When I heard Taylor was being fired, all I could hear was the tea kettles whistling and instead of keeping my mouth shut, like I should've, I'd gone and shot myself in the foot. The weight of the fact I gave away the only leverage I had hit me like a ton of bricks. 

"This whole day was humiliating. The only thing keeping me from getting on my hands and knees and groveling for my job was that I was pissed about the whole Taylor thing."

"Well I commend you for that. Anger can be useful. Kind of like a defensive weapon- Allows you to stand up for yourself or others"

And while my brain was buzzing I didn't see the truth in his words, to hung up on everything I'd done so terribly wrong. I do now though. Sometimes when things feel insurmountable, the only thing we have is to hold onto our fire. You may find yourself overwhelmed by your job, you may find yourself losing your sense of identity, your individuality- but never let them snuff out your fire.

A Recipe! For Tuscan Pasta Salad

This Tuscan Pasta Salad recipe has been a favorite at family barbecues, church events, and potlucks! (I am not still bitter about being denied baptism and told that I'm going to be buried face down, stop asking) . Best of all, it is super easy to make! Just follow these simple steps and you'll be the most popular person at the cookout!

*Buy your favorite pasta (two 16 ounce boxes!) for pasta salad, and cook as usual. Allow the pasta time to sit before adding in the following ingredients, about 20 minutes will do just fine! I find the farfalle works very well

*finely cut 1 red onion, sweet basil, and 2 red bell peppers to add to your pasta mix

*You will also need one bag of fresh baby spinach to add to this mix as well. Feel free to add as much or as little as you want

*two containers of grape tomatoes

*About half a bag of shredded parmesan cheese

*Lastly, the most important part, the Olive Garden Salad Dressing! The Olive Garden Workers won't call the cops on you if you explain you are in the back kitchen for their dressing, trust me :)

Work Food Aesthetics ✨

The Breakfast of champions~

My father; "If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be and why?" (Scheming to use this information later against us)

My mother; "My weight, because I want to be...thinner, I guess?"

Me, playing 4d chess; "An extra finger, so I can hold extra merchandise when doing topstock to be more efficient at my job-"

You could hear a pin drop after my answer

"The whole secret lies in confusing the enemy, so that he cannot fathom our real intent" -Sun Tzu, The art of war

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

OH MY GOSH

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

The Hypothalamus is the part of your brain that is located at the base, before the hippocampus and brain stem. Some of its functions are releasing hormones,  regulating body temperature, maintaining bodily cycles, controlling appetite, managing sexual behavior, and regulating emotional responses. It works with the pituitary gland (Located at the base of the brain, the pituitary gland interacts with other glands and is in control of all hormones, such as testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, dopamine, etc.) and the thyroid gland, located at the base of the neck, regulates hormones and body weight.

The thyroid gland has been a topic of anguish as of late. All the things that can happen to such a little, butterfly shaped gland seems overwhelming. It seems insurmountable, and the worst part is that I'm not a surgeon, or doctor, or a vet or anything useful to really help in this matter at all. All that's left to do is try to will good fortune into existence, because this is the story of a Mallmart Associate.

I tried explaining to Taylor the terms and conditions I had settled on with management. To my surprise though, she rejected our little peace treaty in favor of…truth. "Taylor, bestie- no." My voice was strained, but once she had set her mind to something, there was no talking her out of it. Taylor, had a look in her eyes that told me she onto something, something I was not yet privy to. "We don't have to tell them, you know. In fact, it would be better to work with them under the assumption we agreed to their terms. You can be a whistleblower, Ciara. You can do that for me, right?" A whistleblower, huh? Well, how could I say no when she looks at me like that?

Hyperthyroidism is when the thyroid produces too much of a hormone called triiodothyronine, and a hormone called thyroxine, which can speed up your metabolism, cause hair loss, cause sensitivity to heat, and speed up your heart rate. Hypothyroidism has the opposite problem, where your heart rate slows down, not unlike a bear during hibernation. They become sensitive to the cold, and the metabolism slows in self preservation. 

My cat, is unwell. My friend is unwell, and there's nothing I can do about it. The weight set is suddenly more heavy in my hands, as I scowl at the empty space on the shelf, where it goes. The fire alarm goes off in the store again, and on impulse I go to check my phone with dread and anxiety- 

Well crap.

It's lunch time.

I, of course got spoken to by management. I needed to smile with my eyes, was what they said. My smile was too uncanny valley. I remember trying to smile with my eyes as a kid. I'm sure we all remember looking at ourselves in the mirror, practicing faces, trying to look genuine and authentic like the people on television. The actors that made us fall in love with them through their raw, unbridled emotions that they conveyed through soulful eyes and creased brows, and those wide, sparkling smiles. I saved a photo of the first time I attempted to smile with my eyes, to remember that moment. It's an ugly photo, but it's a reminder of that day. "Aiden, does this look like a genuine smile?"

Aiden Gossman screams. Loud and harshly like his being killed. Huh, that sounds like a no… "Jeezum, don't ever-" he cuts himself off, taking a bite from his chicken sandwich. "What department are you working after break?" I ask him, curiously. "Right into business, huh? Aren't you like, interested in what happened to me this morning?" And with that, Aiden launches into a tale.

That morning, Aiden had been working in the pharmacy section, setting out stock from the backrooms- mostly vitamins. Headphones in his ears, he walks down the vitamin aisle, being serenaded by the sweet voice of Kurt Cobain, only to unexpectedly be taken out of his trance by a woman. She was stark pale, and staring straight ahead. It was as if she was staring at Aiden, and yet, she wasn't. Her eyes were impossibly wide, almost a characture of herself, the lines in her face- she was in absolutely terror. "Ma'am…?" Aiden asks, hesitant to go near her. Something about her seemed to scream, "danger!" And then, her lips parted, and the black inky ooze- impossibly black, spilled forth from her lips and down her chin, dripping onto her floral blouse before her head rolled back. Her body collapses onto the ground, and the moment her body hits the cold, hard cement grounds of our little store, the fire alarm goes off. 

"And what happened then?" I leaned in, curious. "What happened then? An ambulance had to come pick her up. Like dude, I literally thought she was going to die there or something!" He exclaimed. Well, time to test a theory. "You said the stuff was inky? By any chance did it look anything like the stuff that was dripping from the skylights, weeks ago?" He doesn't say anything, because I hit the nail right on the head. Neither of us know what to do about it.

Below; The Photo

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

The vets said he had cancer, and so I took him to a different veterinary clinic, only to get the same answer. That we could make him comfortable until the end comes. As much as I want to stay by his side, as much as he curls into the gaps of my life where things are lacking, purring with unconditional love- I have to go to work. The storm overhead is cracking with bursts of light in the sky, setting Okaloosa County ablaze, and I think to myself about past conversations with friends. 

"You could tell me the sky is green, and if you sounded confident enough I might just have to believe you."

"Sometimes it is, have you ever been out after a huge storm?"

I could will myself to bend reality in my head, just for a week. I'll tell myself that this whole cancer thing has just been a bad, bad dream. That's easier said than done though. Things like this, it's easy to ruminate on. Things like thyroid cancer, and the fact it can bleed into other parts of the body, like the lymph nodes. Things like the procedure that would be done on a cat to remove a tumor in his nasal cavity, and what quality of life awaits after. As the rain pours down, I climb into the car to begin that long ride to work, because this is the story of a Mallmart Associate.

"Hurricane season is picking up, so be sure to buy-" The overhead cuts out to static, and someone has the common sense to call on overhead to cut out the audio. "Ugh, this weather literally sucks." Aiden groans, scanning the labels on the topstock shelf. "At the very least, the lack of customers in the store will give us room for a major overhaul. I'm looking to cover a lot of ground today in matters of prepping for summer merchandise so you better keep up, Gossman." Aiden had a tendency towards wanting to do the bare minimum once he got to the store and I really didn't understand it. He says he has no other option but to work here and yet there he sits, canning the same shelf for the last 20 minutes. "We aren't going to cover this department in time with you lagging. Why don't you move ahead and I'll deal with-"

"Thank you!" He was already climbing down from his ladder, and moving his cart out of the aisle. "Hey Mickie! Ciara said we can take break early 'cause she's got it covered!" I watched on in a bit of shock as they rolled off out of my vision, far down into the aisles and off to the break room. "Didn't even fight me on it…" I muttered weakly under my breath. In truth I did end up plowing through it in time, possibly faster than it would've gone with Aiden scanning the same shelf, yet I still felt we were behind.

And if we were behind,

We would have points deducted.

There was no way in hell I was letting anyone end up on the chopping block when we were so close to perfection. We were so close to meeting our goal, and as long as we made it there, we'd be safe from possible termination. So when I saw we had only two carts left towards the end of the day, I offered to take the one that was filled to the brim, while Leah took the near empty one. For one, I could feel more in control of whether the stock got out to our main sales floor. Also, it had been a long day. We had been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and morale was low. Leah would probably much rather prefer the near empty cart to deal with. At least, that's what I reasoned with myself. "Hey Leah, let's make quick work of this, I'll take the larger cart, okay?" And at this, she grinned and nodded. 

Truth be told, this cart was poorly put together. There was an odd mix of stock from multiple departments, something that was not supposed to be done because it's seen as inefficient. I would be racing against the clock, it seemed. That was okay though. When your back is against the wall and you have little room for imperfections, that can give you the opportunity to flourish and rise against the odds. I've seen it before in those old school movies where the underdog always ends up coming out on top, and miracles happen just when you think all hope is lost. As much as I hoped for things to be like the movies though, it wasn't. My legs had tremors as I  lifted the stock labled "Team lift" onto a shelf, the muscles in my abdomen and stomach contracting and swelling and shuddering against the fat and flesh that lined them in. Heat seeped into my jeans. This was just the risks working in Mallmart had though. Especially when your claim to fame was being able to lift abnormally heavy stock. I was covered in bruises, my nails were chipped and short, my back always hurt so terribly, and now, this. "Ms.Shoggoth, we will need to ask you a few questions in order to gage how much reeducation you will be needing. Do you understand how to complete topstock?"  I gazed down at the team lead that stared back up, expectantly. Of course I did, I've been doing it since I very first began working here.

Topstock Etiquette, With Madame Macabre!

Topstock is a special name for the space at the very top of a shelf where customers cannot reach. This is where excess items are put. Every morning, Mallmart Associates scan topstock in order to work down stock into any open spaces, eventually working down all the excess stock. The amount of stock that is allowed in topstock varies, but it is generally considered that as much as a nearly full stock box can be put onto the topstock space, so long as some of it had been worked onto the the sales shelves!

"Just what is this about? You know I understand topstock," I was suspicious now. Were they just looking for a reason to fire me? No, that didn't make sense. We came to an agreement-

"Leah had told us you had given her a cart that you told her could not go out, and yet she was able to work the stock onto the sales floor." 

My jaw dropped at that. Surely there was some misunderstanding. She must not have heard me right. Yeah, that was it. Still, I felt my blood pressure rising as I made my way to the backrooms. "Hey Leah, you do realize that wasn't overstock right? Any idea why management came down on my head?" Leah looked up from her spot in the backrooms of our grocery department. There was a thinly veiled accusation, but it wasn't as subtle as I hoped because now, there were several pairs of eyes watching us. She looks me up and down, smirking. And then she said, "You smell like piss." like that was her gotcha moment, like it isn't already stressful enough, and like I hadn't sacrificed my whole body to this job- 

But yes, that was Leah's big moment, where everyone watched on, smirking as I sat there fighting to find words, any comeback. I wanted to scorch the earth and leave everyone blistering in my wake with whatever I said. But instead I just said, "Whatever, I have work to do." 

I'm here to work, not make friends. As much as I wished they liked me, as much as I selfishly wished we were on the same wavelength, that just wasn't possible. I hadn't realized though, that they hated me this much though? Where did it all go so wrong? I spent way too much time, thinking about it, worrying. Maybe they're right, maybe there's something wrong, something unlikeable about me. I felt baffled, and by the time I walked out of the store, my head was spinning. The storm, having passed, was alight with an unearthly glow that filtered colors through it like a kaleidoscope. There in the Mallmart parking lot, I gasped. "The sky…Is green!" 

Ugh, it's so hot out here, in Niceville

But my glow in the dark products need to feed on the sweet UV rays of the sun.

So, outside I sit, chanting rhythmically in tongues. I may have thrown in a few "Hurry up!"s

Fashion Advice! With Madame Macabre

When trying on makeup, clothes or jewelry, it can be helpful to look into your seasonal complexion to understand colors that may stand out and make a statement in your wardrobe! Since there are 12 seasonal complexions, I will take the liberty of going into depth of one complexion type a month to dive into the depths of these fantastic looks-

This month's season is Light Summer/June

Light summer is characterized by those who have light ashy hair that's soft in color, from icy white blondes to mousy browns. These individuals have neutral or neutral-cool complexions with beige or pinkish undertones. Light Summer eyes can be light grey, light blue, light azure or a light green which is cooling and easy on the eyes like mint and jasmine.

Notable celebrities with this complexion are Cate Blanchett, Margot Robbie, and Miley Cyrus. Those who fall under the season of June may find themselves gravitating towards soft pastels and cool tones. Anything light and airy like a cool breeze, you just pull it off so effortlessly!

Ugh I'm cold

The sun has gone down in Okaloosa County and there are only dying embers left on the horizon. I was craving the sunlight today, there was something about the warmth and humidity that felt nostalgic. What's worse- uv powered glow in the dark products are not bright anymore. Like Niceville's sun, they too sleep. No faiiiir~

Ugh, it's so hot out here, in Niceville

But my glow in the dark products need to feed on the sweet UV rays of the sun.

So, outside I sit, chanting rhythmically in tongues. I may have thrown in a few "Hurry up!"s

A Confession

The truth is, I have trouble coping with things. When the going gets tough, and things seem insurmountable. When my sense of reality is shaken to its core, my go-to is to deny, deny, deny. 'I'm happy! This isn't even happening!' Is what I tell myself, and sometimes if I'm real lucky it works. I'll get a second wind, and I'll drag myself to the finish line in the nick of time. 

Maybe some of my otherkin friends may relate to this, maybe not I'm unsure. But when it seems unreasonably hard for me to take care of myself, I pretend I'm a plant. Now I'm not sure if I would go as far as to say I'm plantkin- that'd probably be a stretch, right? Maybe this is just a very odd coping mechanism. I like to sit out in the hot, hot sun though. I crave it more than anything, the way humidity makes the air dense, and it moisturizes my skin. The way the sun is so saccharine it's like you can taste it on the back of your tongue, like an oil dense sugar? 

Sometimes I'll lay down at the bottom of the tub with the shower running, and feel the water pelting my body. I know I really ought to hurry up and just get out of the shower, but sometimes I linger a bit longer.

Sometimes being a plant is allowing yourself kindness in your life. Sometimes being a plant allows you to be happy.

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

“Aunt Belle told me that the old broom closet in the back is haunted by a creature with long dark claws and a big, big smile!”  Jenna’s face was enthusiastic, as she often got when telling these stories. I looked between the two of them. Even at six years old, I found myself feeling rather skeptical. Monsters don’t exist. “It has sharp teeth, bigger than ours, and it melts into the shadows like its body is missing. It likes to steal away the souls of kids who don’t say prayers with the rest of the adults in church.” Axton adds on. Now I knew they were just messing with me. “Does not!”

“Does too!” 

“Why don’t we find out? It’s right outside in the hall. We can go in together, and if the monster doesn’t show itself, we’ll know it was a lie.” Axton and I stop bickering to see Jenna was already several paces down the pews, making her way out of the room. ‘Don’t do it,’ I thought, as I watched my younger self follow after her, eager. Fiddling with warm, plump fingers that still had life in them, gnawing on my bottom lip because I still had a naivety, a childish tendency towards believing in these wild tales, if they were told with enough conviction. 

I wake up to a crack of thunder. Today, is the story of a Mallmart Associate.

"And now, Jordan B. Peterson's he who wrestles with god tour!" The radio chimes, as my father drives down the road in tunnel vision. I sit there, teeth clamped tightly shut as his religious playlist continues on in the background. "Your cat is going to die, Ciara. You're just sitting there emotionless like a psychopath. Did I raise a psychopath? Okay, nice talk." He ended his monologue sarcastically, but there was no pause. No time for him to take a breath in between and no chance for me to get a word in edgewise. The storm in Okaloosa County continued, and it left destruction in its wake. "Bah, forget this!" He clicks the next video. "Indigo children are more important than ever now that-" 

"Well, I'm going to leave now."  I considered tucking and rolling as soon as I saw the Mallmart sign. My father, who has never been touchy and feely, suddenly clamps his hand down on my shoulder, wiping his hand off on my back. "Get out then," He says, meanwhile some juvenile part of my brain screams, 'Get his germs off of me!' I clawed at the spot he touched as I made my way to those sliding doors, grimacing. This day seems much longer than usual. Shouldn't I have been working by now? My skin still itches even after itching at it in a rather dramatic fashion, and the lights overhead flicker ominously throughout the store. 

The store, despite its stormy ambiance, was bustling with life inside. Everyone seemed in high spirits today. I wondered if today was going to be nice or even normal, as I made my way towards the backrooms. Immediately, I was greeted with a palette of team lift stock. "Ms.Shoggoth, since we are understaffed today we took the liberty of setting aside all the team lift products for you to put out in advance. Your deadline is by lunch at 11 o'clock," A crack of thunder punctured this, and I stared into the cold dead eyes of management. 

Well, fuck.

Workplace Injuries with Madame Macabre

When joining our happy family, you may wonder what body parts you may be sacrificing in order to work at Mallmart. In our stocking team, you will be expected to dodge moving shelves, work at a quick pace, think on the fly, work dangerous machinery, inhaling chemical fumes, and potentially lift heavy stockloads. This can lead to back injuries, ulcers, vomiting, arthritis, carpal tunnel, muscle spasms, superficial surface injuries such as cuts and bruises, blackened veins, chipped teeth, concussions, darkened veins, loss of consciousness, stress incontinence, or internal bleeding.

In case you were wondering, reader- I am checking off a lot of these listed like a bucket list already. Every time I lift, I think about what will happen when I finally get my degree and leave this place. Everytime, it leaves my future feeling a little more bleak. "I brought my guitar in today even though it's raining-" I overheard Aiden say, and I found myself wondering why he would bring a guitar to a retail store when not only is there no time to play it since we are so busy… also, where did he store it? There was no way a whole guitar was fitting in the small locker spaces that were outside the breakroom? Did he just lay out the guitar in the break room? That was playing a dangerous game, but even as I thought about it, the day was moving as slow as possible. But it didn't matter because soon, it was lunch.

"Taylor, you seem in a good mood today~" 

"I know! I have some good news… I have a boyfriend now," I stare at her smiling face. She was absolutely glowing.

".....wut?"

"He's from Norway, he works in aqua medicine, and at the end of this summer, I'm going to be moving in with him!"

"In Norway…?"

"Yeah!"

"Taylor, that's…" I swallowed tightly, "That's so wonderful, when are you set to go?" I asked, smiling sweetly- or at least I hope that's how it was taken. "I am leaving on August 2nd, and honestly I can't wait to get out of this hell hole. The farther I can get away from Niceville, the better,"

"You're going on a whole adventure to be with your soulmate? Lucky! This sounds just like 'Love in the Villa' or something," I swooned. Taylor deserved a knight in shining armor to sweep her off her feet after what she had to endure at this store, and I was happy for her. Very happy. 

"Hey you two, shush I'm going to play you something-" 

"Aiden Gossman, did you put your guitar in a supply cabinet?" Aiden froze, mid taking his guitar out of the cabinet that stored our emergency cleaning equipment and first aid kits. "Maybe…? Anyways, you'll understand why in a second, Ciara!" And then, he played the guitar. It was Wonderwall, by Oasis, and though the storm was tearing holes through the very heavens, for a second it was calm in Mallmart. Although we had our differences, although the anomalies of Mallmart seemed insurmountable at times, we would somehow be okay.

"Play another one!" Someone cheers as we clap. At this, Aiden goes red in the face. "Uh, I only know how to play Wonderwall, guys…" The rumble of the dark skies above us brought us back to reality in an instant. "So," I stretch in my seat, gazing over Aiden and Taylor. "When the storm comes to kill us all-"

"What is up with you and the idea of us being killed by this storm dude!" Aiden cut me off, as Taylor giggled in the background. "Well, honestly I am kind of hoping that the storm will get me before I get a hernia at this job…" 

"That would be so cool-"

"Aiden, do you think before you speak?"

"No no, hear me out Ciara! What you do is you do your stretches before shift so that when you get a hernia- because it will happen- you'll get paid leave and Mallmart will have to cover your medical bills, and when you come back… you do it again. It's brilliant!"

"... You're a monster…" At this point, Taylor was dying of laughter. "Well no storm is getting me! I've been around the block, I survived Katrina." I stared at him, gobsmacked. "Taking a walk in your suburban neighborhood doesn't count as being around the block, Gossman!" Now both of them were laughing… great. "All I'm saying is, we got a whole lot of storms coming. I'm not going to get taken out by one in literally May." 

"But if the storm does get bad enough that we're locked in the store-"

We went around in circles like this for the rest of lunch break. It wasn't until the end of my shift, that I saw I had a missed call from Jenna from 2 o'clock that afternoon. Jenna knew that I worked during that time, so it must be important. Luckily, when I called back, Jenna immediately answered. "Ciara, I don't know if I can keep this baby," It was clear in her voice that she had been crying. Her voice was raw and strained, like an animal had dug its claws into her. "And- and…. It's already been so long, and can I even get an abortion at this stage? I don't even know if I can handle that, doing it alone," I swallowed down the anger I felt, that our family was turning their back on her when she needed support more than ever. "Just say the word and I'll find a way to go up north. You are not going to be alone for this, I swear it."

"No! No you already sent so much money, I can't ask that of you. I can't make you." But she wasn't- making me, I mean. I knew what I was offering when I had asked. If you were in my position, would you not do the same? Is carrying the whole world on your back not enough, Jenna? These words are left unsaid, but they're somehow still exchanged through the silence all the same. "I don't know… I want to sleep on it, I think."

"Of course, take all the time you need." Through the emotional fatigue, she asks something that takes me off guard. "Do you remember the night you passed out in the church's broom closet, Ciara?"

A bit cautiously, I responded, "Yeah. Yeah, I remember Jenna."

"Do you ever feel like… Like that day cursed us, or something? Like it left our very souls stained?" 

"Where is this coming from? Why are you asking me stuff like this?" At the hackles raising in my voice, Jenna just lets out a dejected sigh, as if all the oxygen is being sucked from her lips. "I'm sorry I brought it up. Forget it…"  

Dream Study

Before I get into everything, before I explain where things really start to devolve- I feel like I need to give a bit of context. Besides the initial shock, there is a reason I fear those glimpses that I catch in the corner of my vision, looking like my doppelganger. I used to have this recurring nightmare where I wake up in bed, and the house is so quiet and empty. I'm unsure of why I woke up, but still I pull the blankets away to find an outstretched arm from under the covers. Immediately I grab it, and I pull it with me. Now I'm not sure how it happens in the dream. As I recall how things happened, I know my dream logic makes no sense. I'm calling for my parents but my voice is dead in my throat. I keep trying to reach the door to my bedroom, but it's so far. Eventually, I realize that in my haste I never realized the arm was still connected to someone, and when I turn around I'm face to face with myself. I'm gaunt and pale, I'm naked, eyes glazed over they might as well be dark marbles in the sockets. Of course I let go in shock because what the hell, right? At least put some pants on before scaring the hell out of me. But she outstretches her slender boney hands, and she latches onto me. And then she strangles me until I'm dead. Every time, nearly every night for months, it was more of the same. Sometimes I would wake up shouting in my sleep. Sometimes I felt like I'd been in a struggle when I woke up. I didn't understand why it was happening. 

Not going too far into the events of my life that led me there, there was a night that things changed. I wouldn't call the dream lucid, but it was damn near close. I mean, it started the same as all the others. I wake up in the bed of my childhood home, but nobody is there except for the lingering horrors I'm not yet privy to, and it all starts with that outstretched arm. Always does. I turn around with that sickening realization that the arm is in fact connected to a body. In only a way dream logic can work. Now though, I bite down on the arm, and I am feral and cornered. 

And I just keep

Biting. I keep punching. I keep attacking violently and soon the doppelganger, as the only way I know to call it, is on the ground with their intestines pulled out. Their ribs broken away, and I'm eating it. I consume and I consume until I can say there's only one of me. That I feel safe. I think about that dream a lot lately. I feel haunted by it, but most of all

I don't even know which one of us it was that prevailed in the end. God help us all if I'm not me.

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

There were so many strange things my parents told me as I was a child. Right down to how I was born, and now that I'm an adult, it's difficult to sift through what is real and what isn't. They said my mother had tried to have a child before me, and she had almost died during the pregnancy. That the fetus was not living, that it was shriveled and covered in tumors and that they had prayed and God had gifted them when they had thought they were unable to have children. This was possibly the more believable of the strange things that they claimed after this. Tales of my father and uncle and grandparents before my time being in contact with higher powers, tales of indigo children and aliens and the end of times coming. And by the time I finally got out, I didn't know which way was up and which way was down. I did the only thing I could think to do. I moved to Niceville, because I was scared.

Because this is the story of Aiden Gossman.

I knew Aiden Gossman was in trouble the moment he showed up, late, to work. I scowled at his cargo shorts and brand logo printed shirt, his open toed shoes- these were not up to dress code. How many times do you have to beg someone to follow the rules? Do my words mean nothing to him? Was what I was thinking bitterly as I watched him trudge along as if he wasn't a full half hour late to work. How was he not panicking? It was infuriating. Yet there he was, and here I was, scanning sporting goods in the thick of the backrooms. Well, if he wasn't going to care, I wasn't going to care either. No more ranting from me, that's for sure. I let out a sharp breath through my nose as if to let go of the pressure building in my head. 

Of course, I was taken out of my thoughts by the crackling of the overhead speakers asking for maintenance in the fitting rooms; there was shattered glass and papers with cryptic encoded messages left in there again. Which in my opinion is pretty rude, you should save that sort of thing for when you're at home, not out in a public space like Mallmart. Today ended up starting like usual, I made my rounds in Sporting goods and housewares. I put out several team lifts. It wasn't until about lunch time that I had noticed that Aiden had not been out on the sales floor all day. "Hello there Kara! Do you happen to know where Aiden has been for the last two hours? I'm hoping he was just assigned to a new department-"

"Haven't you heard? He's been with management since he got here. Everyone's been talking about it and we're all sure he's being canned." 

The first thing I felt was anger. How many times had I warned him and warned him? Exactly what I said, ended up happening and I couldn't protect him from the outcome. So I marched down through the back rooms to find him myself. Sure enough,  Aiden Gossman sits on the floor outside of management's office. His dark shade sunglasses hid his expression. "I told you! I told you this would happen, and you never believed me! Do you not remember our training? They had it written right in the pamphlet they gave us before we started here! I can't protect you from this. I can't go in there and talk them out of it…" I slump down to his seat on the floor

"I may be a bad employee, but I thought I was your friend, Ciara." I can feel his gaze through his shades and 

Oh.

The anger fizzled out as I realized that he was one of the closest things I had to a friend since I moved to Niceville. The choices he made sometimes frustrated me to no end, but I didn't want to see him leave. How could I take it back though? I desperately wanted to backtrack from my tirade, because Aiden inspired a level of humor in the workplace, a level of happiness with his way of talking in the breakroom, of trying to get his shifts cut down early, of bringing his guitar into work and serenading us with a song. "It's fine, Ciara. Seems like hell seems to follow you wherever you go anyways." My mouth wouldn't comply with me, for once I seemed at a loss for words.

Oh I know! I rustled through my lunch bag to give him my soda; It was the closest thing to a meaningful apology I could think of. It was so rare to have sweetness and caffeine in this place of work. Not for the employees, no. "Hey Aiden-" But it was too late to take back what I said. Aiden Gossman was gone.