Dear Doctor,

Dear Doctor,

Since you have yet to reply to my deep and personal letter detailing my life, I’ve recorded myself reading it to you so you may enjoy as you go on doing whatever you do these days.

Love Your Lonely Tailor,

E. Garak xxooxooxoo

so I’m about a third of the way into A Stitch In Time and I just have so many thoughts.

this is unexpectedly one of the most fascinating books I have ever read, because the circumstances of its existence (tie-in novel for established tv show, written by the actor, largely taken from his character-dev writing) create a novel that would’ve never existed otherwise.

in any other normal novel, the protagonist with a sad childhood who gets shipped off to train to be a weapon of the state, in a violent, loveless institution, would be… taking a stand against the status quo! that’s what protagonists do, they make unlikely friends and they stand up for what’s right and they change their world etc etc. yahoo. yay !

but as we good and goddamn know: garak’s not a protagonist

these flashback portions follow so many classic sf/f coming of age tropes of a young lad finding himself in a harsh new world, but instead of the main character being guided by a convenient moral compass and growing in defiance of the competitive, cruel environment– garak adapts, learns to outcompete his peers, learns to be crueler.

it’s not so much that you’re reading garak becoming worse (though he is, for sure)

it’s more that garak is drifting from being a mere product of his environment, to a perpetuator of it

OKAY OKAY OKAY

So to shapeshift, right, is to become that thing, isn't it? I'm sure that's how the Founder, and later Odo explains it. The changelings aren't just pretending to be that thing, in a way they're being that thing?

Okay so I'm a little unsure now that I'm actually writing this out so the rest of this maybe isn't as much sense as I thought it was....

BUT. If the above is correct it suddenly occurred to me another reason other than 'lack of practice' that Odo could struggle to imitate humanoid faces...

Could it be that he has too much of his own, distinct personality? Becoming a humanoid is to become them, to understand them entirely as a person (which is why Founders are the perfect infiltrators, and also why they hate being solids: their changelinghood is eclipsed by their target's personhood, even if they do of course hang onto their objective and knowledge from being a changeling).

But Odo developed as his completely own person, first. Changelings in the link don't seem to have a sense of "self", they are a communal species, but Odo is utterly himself. And so could it be that he is unable to put aside everything that makes him him in order to become and truly understand another person?

Or, in other words, the changelings who don't see humanoids as being proper 'people' can treat becoming them much the same as becoming a bird - they are understanding a different sort of lesser life form, and the fact that a humanoid has its own thoughts and feelings is non-consequential because they are on such a different order to a changling's.

But the thoughts and feelings of a humanoid are so similar to Odo's that -- in a way, because he understands them more -- he has more of an awareness of their individuality and difference to himself, and therefore cannot imagine them the same way he does a bird. He is distinct, and they are distinct, and shapeshifting isn't about copying, it's about becoming, and Odo could never become someone else because it would mean becoming less than himself.

This is a ramble and I don't know if it makes any sense but it's lit up my brain and I'm definitely feeling like

I'm not crying,you are

mind games

I'm never going to be normal about Garak/Bashir.

Imagine being so convinced that you're a monster, respectively, because of unimaginable violence you were groomed into committing and because you're autistic and were given illegal medical treatment against your will so you could pass better. Imagine meeting someone who doesn't just see you but forgives you and refuses to leave you.

Imagine knowing all your life that you can never trust anyone because "sentiment is the worst weakness" or because doing so would destroy your life.

Imagine going your whole life hiding your skills and true self out of necessity, and finding the pleasure of someone who challenges you enough for you to pull down the mask just a little bit.

Garak seeing Bashir as the best of the federation despite being literally barred from service and can never truly be comfortable anywhere because of it, can never have a home. Yet here is this exile, welcoming you where everyone else has treated you like an annoyance.

Bashir engaging with Cardassian culture and, despite their differences, giving garak a place to share the things about Cardassia he loves. A taste of a home he thinks he can never reach. This is arguably the thing that gives Garak a cornerstone to help rebuild Cardassia once he loses Tain who, up until this point, is the cornerstone of his political compass. Garak calling Julian "the kindest voice in my head" and, tho he'd never admit it, he uses that voice to build a better Cardassia.

Imagine being loved in your entirety and finding yourself better because of it.