OKAY OKAY OKAY

OKAY OKAY OKAY

So to shapeshift, right, is to become that thing, isn't it? I'm sure that's how the Founder, and later Odo explains it. The changelings aren't just pretending to be that thing, in a way they're being that thing?

Okay so I'm a little unsure now that I'm actually writing this out so the rest of this maybe isn't as much sense as I thought it was....

BUT. If the above is correct it suddenly occurred to me another reason other than 'lack of practice' that Odo could struggle to imitate humanoid faces...

Could it be that he has too much of his own, distinct personality? Becoming a humanoid is to become them, to understand them entirely as a person (which is why Founders are the perfect infiltrators, and also why they hate being solids: their changelinghood is eclipsed by their target's personhood, even if they do of course hang onto their objective and knowledge from being a changeling).

But Odo developed as his completely own person, first. Changelings in the link don't seem to have a sense of "self", they are a communal species, but Odo is utterly himself. And so could it be that he is unable to put aside everything that makes him him in order to become and truly understand another person?

Or, in other words, the changelings who don't see humanoids as being proper 'people' can treat becoming them much the same as becoming a bird - they are understanding a different sort of lesser life form, and the fact that a humanoid has its own thoughts and feelings is non-consequential because they are on such a different order to a changling's.

But the thoughts and feelings of a humanoid are so similar to Odo's that -- in a way, because he understands them more -- he has more of an awareness of their individuality and difference to himself, and therefore cannot imagine them the same way he does a bird. He is distinct, and they are distinct, and shapeshifting isn't about copying, it's about becoming, and Odo could never become someone else because it would mean becoming less than himself.

This is a ramble and I don't know if it makes any sense but it's lit up my brain and I'm definitely feeling like

“I forgive you. for whatever it is you did.” is such an insane line.

like imagine going your whole life believing that you’re only worth as much as you’re useful, doing things you know deep down are horrible just to serve the interests of a man who won’t even acknowledge you as his son and then after he exiles you 2 years later you find yourself on your deathbed, all your crimes finally caught up with you, the young doctor who at this point you believe could not have a more different experience of life than you decides against everything you’ve been taught about yourself that you’re worth saving.

and no matter how much you tell him you’re horrible, how wretched you make yourself look in front of him, he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care about your past. you’re forgiven. you’re worth saving, just by virtue of being alive. and he’s not saving you out of pity or even kindness, he’s doing it because he genuinely believes that. and for the first time since you were a small child, perhaps even ever, you feel like you have intrinsic worth.

i think what bothers me about "garak would never allow himself to be happy" takes is they presume he has the strength of character to resist it. he absolutely cannot. he's nibbling on illegally imported chocolates all day even though he's gonna blow up his own shop later. julian looks into his eyes for three seconds and he crumbles. he does not have the ability to really push julian away and keep him there. it's like, one of the core things about his character and the way they interact. i don't even think he would wait for julian that long post canon before just going after him like he did in OMB. he's a fucking. puppy dog. he's been told he must deny himself and be a finely honed tool of the state and there is literally NOTHING he is worse at.

random stuff plus scenes from the star trek pocket novels that haunt me enjoy

I'm never going to be normal about Garak/Bashir.

Imagine being so convinced that you're a monster, respectively, because of unimaginable violence you were groomed into committing and because you're autistic and were given illegal medical treatment against your will so you could pass better. Imagine meeting someone who doesn't just see you but forgives you and refuses to leave you.

Imagine knowing all your life that you can never trust anyone because "sentiment is the worst weakness" or because doing so would destroy your life.

Imagine going your whole life hiding your skills and true self out of necessity, and finding the pleasure of someone who challenges you enough for you to pull down the mask just a little bit.

Garak seeing Bashir as the best of the federation despite being literally barred from service and can never truly be comfortable anywhere because of it, can never have a home. Yet here is this exile, welcoming you where everyone else has treated you like an annoyance.

Bashir engaging with Cardassian culture and, despite their differences, giving garak a place to share the things about Cardassia he loves. A taste of a home he thinks he can never reach. This is arguably the thing that gives Garak a cornerstone to help rebuild Cardassia once he loses Tain who, up until this point, is the cornerstone of his political compass. Garak calling Julian "the kindest voice in my head" and, tho he'd never admit it, he uses that voice to build a better Cardassia.

Imagine being loved in your entirety and finding yourself better because of it.

Garak in the doorway of the shed waiting for the Doctor