Addiction

Addiction

He was doing so well. The money for rehab had finally been paying off. All those trips to the clinics and hospitals had just finally started paying off. As I looked at him, passed out on the couch, the hollows in his face become clearer, the ghostly representation on his face and body become clearer, he was still breathing slow and steady breathes. He was alive in technicality, but dead everywhere else. I wouldn’t wish this pain, this conflict, this endless sorrow and worry on anyone. Nothing hurts more than to constantly wonder if my son will live another day. To move on in life and go to college and get his degree in what he’s passionate in. To get a well-paying job and find the love of his life. To settle down and start a beautiful family of his own. “Mom,” a soft cry comes from my son’s chapped lips. I don’t have anything to say. My son, my beautiful son is dying in my arms and I have nothing to say My husband finally comes home, ready for another trip to the hospital. We’re running out of time… As he walks through the door, I can see that he was rushing to get here. Sweat dripped from his reddened face, his sleeves rolled up, and his hair was a mess. Being a former addict, this is the last thing he wants for his son, our son. I can still remember the time I first found my husband, Thomas, passed out on the verge of death because of his heroine addiction. He and I were only dating at the time and still in high school. It was the days leading up to our anniversary, we were celebrating six years of being together. I walked up quietly into his room, carrying his favorite candies, some popcorn, and his favorite movie. When I opened the door, I screamed at the top of my lungs. His parents came busting through the door only to find me weeping uncontrollably, holding Thomas’ cold, stiff hands. His mom ran over and picked me off the ground as his father hauled him over his shoulder to put him in the car. “It’s going to be okay, sweetie. Thomas will be okay.” She whispered to me. Every since that moment I vowed to Thomas that he will never end up like that again. I forced him into rehab and was with him every step of the way. I helped him get through the pain, I helped him live his life again. And after everything was over and he was all better, his way of thanking me was proposing to me.   “I love you more than life itself, Ella. And if it weren’t for you I might not have been kneeling here before you today.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As we drive to the hospital, a million and one things are running through my head. I feel dizzy and nauseous. Can the doctor save him this time? Is this going to be an addiction that he breaks? Will my son be okay? He went into the Emergency Room right away while the rest of us waited, pacing back and forth in the waiting room. I carry my daughter of four years on my hip. She’s young, but she understands how this may end. My husband stands by the receptionists desk, waiting to hear what the doctor has to say. My parents are sitting in a selection of chairs in the corner, trying their best not to make a scene while the rest of us waited. Finally, the doctor comes out, he's tired. My daughter, Anastasia, starts crying, and so do I. Thomas swiftly comes over and pulls us me and Anastasia into a comforting embrace, he’s crying too. “The doctor hasn’t said anything yet. He could be okay,” he whispers. Anastasia and I wipe each other's tears away and walk over to where the doctor was standing. He stares into my eyes, noticing the hope in my eyes that maybe, just maybe, Daniel is going to be okay. “I’m sorry…”

Y’ever just

𝔐𝔞𝔠𝔞𝔟𝔯𝔢 ℭ𝔬𝔩𝔩𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔬𝔯 (@mater.mortem)

The World’s Silence

People would always say that if you forgot all the bad things that happened to you that it was inevitable that you would forget all the good things, too. No one ever thought that focusing so much on the bad things would attract everything even worse. Memory after memory, thought after thought, cascading down and filling her surroundings like a dust cloud as soft as the soft music of miserable violins playing in the background. Memories of how things used to be, how just yesterday the two were children. Now they’re adults, making stupid mistakes. How just yesterday the two were living their best life together, now are fighting over what’s right and what’s wrong.

There wasn’t much she could do, the tears were already traveling down her cheeks and her makeup was smudged. The deep, hollow pain of fear, disappointment, and sorrow had made a home in her chest. The temperature in her room began to rise, despite it being winter and her floor is just as cold. She laid there on the ground and counted each tear that dropped to the wooden floor, unconcerned that she couldn’t stop crying. And for what reason? She’ll say it’s nothing, but you’re a fool in you believe her.

She could hear her phone buzzing with delight from across the room. You would think shock would take over her body. But, she didn’t have to look up, not even flinch at the sound or vibrations, she knew exactly who it was.

Someone she didn’t want to talk to.

Someone out making careless mistakes.

Someone she loves.

Now came the question of whether or not to answer. The thought of hearing his voice at that very moment made her spine shiver, her fingers curl, her eyes flood, and her heartache. Did he want to drunk talk? Had something gone wrong? Was he okay? All possible scenarios started rumbling through her thoughts and a worried spirit came to take over her body, like an evil spirit in a horror movie. She began to shake uncontrollably, fighting the urge to answer her phone.

Luckily no one was around to see her in such a state. Her parents were away, her brothers at college. She wouldn’t be caught dead having a mental break down over a boy.

As her hand began to hover over the buzzing phone, it stopped, everything stopped: the shaking, the crying, the aching. Her body numbed, her mind numbed, her soul numbed. She allowed her hand to fall to the cold wooden floor. It felt as if that cold, worrisome feeling had left, but life is just an illusion. The tears and aches came rushing back. It was like they had never gone away.

What is there to do now? Honey, the world has no answers, just silence.  

If alchemy has not yet been discovered, someone explains to me that it is life in the infinite universe. Artist Side Dimes on instagram

Torches ablaze, fire in their eyes

Shatters of our hearts, tears in our eyes

Shouting evil slurs, marching in the streets

Fear filling our children, some people who lost their heartbeat

Fights starting, murder happening

It doesn’t seem real, like we’re only imagining

It seems terror will never stop

Like we’re surrounded by this evil backdrop

But we are patriots, we are courageous

Fighting against this discrimination

We must never give up the fight for justice

We must be the ones to start the discussion

We will show that terror will never win

Fighting against this actual sin

We are stronger

We will conquer

This isn’t their country

It’s our country.

(via GIPHY)