"It's Me," I Told Him. A Small, Fake Smile. But It Wasn't. It Wasn't Me. I Knew All Along It Wouldn't

"It's me," I told him. A small, fake smile. But it wasn't. It wasn't me. I knew all along it wouldn't be me. But perhaps it was me. Maybe I just wasn't loveable enough. Not loveable enough for anyone to settle down. To call their own, cherish. When things start to get good for me ... off they go. I just needed to say goodbye before he could break my heart -well, take the last part left by confirming-. So, yeah, perhaps it was me who wasn't good enough. Me who wasn't enough for anyone to stick around. I had to swim to the surface, I was in too deep already. -n.v

"I've been loving the attention. I've never gotten it before. My ego is growing, my need to be known. I hate myself. I hate who I've become. Always speaking, useless words." -n.v

He called today. They asked me to speak. But he didn't want to, he didn't want to speak to me. And dear god, that hurt.

He said he'd call today. He said he wanted to sort it out. And at the end of the day, after waiting with my phone in my hand for oh so long. he sent a message; an apology for not calling. But baby, I'm done.

"Maktub," I told him. "The word means written directly. It says that everything is written, our futures are already there, on the papers of God." I turned to smile at him. He rose his eyebrows, "So you believe all our actions are controlled by God." I pulled my face into a form of disgust. "No, God no. It's written yes, but that doesn't mean it controls us. We control what's written. Everything there is just what God has for seen us create. We create and decide for ourselves. If He made decisions for us, life would be a piece of candy. Besides, God would never create such disgraces."

"My soul feels lost. I know it's just one of those nights. But tonight, I see how much I've lost myself. And I'm scared. I feel alone. I want to sleep. A deep slumber of never waking up." -n.v