Some Lyrics Ive Been Feeling Lately

some lyrics I’ve been feeling lately

this is me trying - taylor swift / my love, mine all mine - mitski / heaven knows I’m miserable now - the smiths / that’s our lamp - mitski / a burning hill - mitski / love will tear us apart - joy division / guilt - marianne faithful / bittersweet symphony - the verve / tolerate it - taylor swift / k - cigarettes after sex

Next day & I still feel the same/even worse

I have nowhere else to put this

Writing this is contradictory to what I’ve been trying to do. I really don’t want to be that person that’s always miserable, I really don’t. It’s exhausting to be around and I’m really only proving people right with this but oh well. I have nowhere else to put this. I can’t talk to anyone without immense guilt and I can’t journal because every time I do it makes me worse after idk.

I wish it was easier to talk about dark thoughts, I can’t talk about it with friends because I’ll worry them, and I’ve done enough damage as it is. it seems if I mention this to a therapist it’ll get taken too seriously and I’ll be labelled a danger to myself which I suppose is true but I’m too much of a coward to do anything permanent or anything at all really so all I do is sit. I’m really tired.

My mental health has always been the butt of jokes and stuff “oh here em goes again” I don’t want to be the miserable person and it seems I’ve always been the person that burden people constantly. I don’t know how many “I’m sorry for replying late”messages I have left in me and I’ve already burned too many bridges to come back to the other side. Is it self pity that’s making me write this who knows it seems like all I do is attention-seeking, i cut ties trying to do the opposite but either way it seems like I’m a child throwing a temper tantrum and sulking.

I try to remember smth my bsf said a while back smth like you’re not asking for much you’re just a normal person whose needs aren’t being met which I guess can be true but no amount of reassurance or anything of those needs being met will ever help if I constantly think people are indifferent to me or that I don’t mean that much to them in comparison to what they mean to me. I mean how can you help someone who no matter how much improvement they make they fall back into old thoughts again? I don’t think it’s fair for me to put that on anyone, it’s exhausting and for what? A friendship with someone who can’t show up? Any relationship goes both ways and I fail every time.

I care too much to subject people to this bullshit and in turn I cut ties. Exhausting to be on the other end and so whatever I do I hurt people anyway. I’m really fucking lonely but have no right to complain if I created the situation in the first place. Even now all I’m doing is yapping, making no sense and pitying myself. I cannot live like this anymore. I think most people wouldn’t notice if I was gone. I know it’ll get better at some point, I know life is just ups and downs but the downs have been more persistent lately.

some lyrics I’ve been feeling lately

this is me trying - taylor swift / my love, mine all mine - mitski / heaven knows I’m miserable now - the smiths / that’s our lamp - mitski / a burning hill - mitski / love will tear us apart - joy division / guilt - marianne faithful / bittersweet symphony - the verve / tolerate it - taylor swift / k - cigarettes after sex

Najwan Darwish, from "Jerusalem (II)", Nothing More to Lose: Selected Poems (trans. Kareem James Abu-Zeid) [ID'd]