Lithium Days

Lithium Days

Men in white coats will often tell you the truth about your brain

It is an objective truth that objectivity wears a uniform

Honesty comes in the form of diagnoses

And medication lists

Side effects and symptoms

Men in white coats have often told me the truth about my brain

I built a religion out of acid trips

And

Manic episodes

I teach others about it

There's a set of rules and roles that define our society

I'm afraid of society

I'm afraid of the roles

And the rules

I'm afraid of the expectations

Nineteen years old

that's when I lost my mind

I have an ego

I think I have a beautiful mind

I'm concerned for what it will look like in fifteen years

I spend all my best words on the things i feed my body

Sex

Drugs

Art

I don't feel as hopeless as I used to about my situation

Art will always be my first lover

It occupies my time and my heart

I've learned a lot in the last three years

I've learned that acid connects are often artistically inclined

I've learned my line stepping is habitual

I've learned it's not about what I can give so much as it is what they can take from me

I divide my world into bite sized boxes

Stranger box

Acquaintance box

Friend box

Family box

I'm truly a master at compartmentalization

I make it look easy

I have an ego

Objectively, I know I'm not in a great place

But

I often find myself thinking there's no one I would rather be

sometimes person

i wonder if maybe manipulation is a natural part of my communication style

just another language i learned which although lacking in malice is no less unkind

short lived loves living in storage stacked ceiling-high

but I don't mind the temporary nature of the things i feed my heart

i play part-time partner particularly enthusiastically

let me treat you right for a moment cuz a moment is all I've ever had

being a sometimes person means I'm good at temporary

tempestuous trysts and dangerous dalliances keep killing my kindness

causing cracks in cold facades

features flitting from face to face fighting for freedom from fear, frustration, and longing

life, love, hard liquor and soft luxury

i replace all of these things with the poetic royal you

you the reader

you the scorned lover let down lightly alongside leather combat boots

bringing butchered beasts and(broadly speaking) bristly sing-song to my step

several lovers stated separately something which seriously stuck to this day

i am uncomplicated

don't you dare deny my defects

I'll disregard the defiance decisively for now

but between not noticing the never evers and saying something so suspiciously off base

believe me it's better to be brought along abreast against the brown feathers of tomorrow then brought beating and bawling from below to yesterday

"preheat"? dude i dont even HEAT my oven. thats right. im cooking my shit coldstyle. im stretching the definition of "cooking" far beyond its ultimate tensile strength. my chicken breasts are the most gorgeous pink color you've ever seen. they look like rosebuds on the very cusp of blooming. they look like the dawn when you're in love. hospital.

Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run

childhood is captivity

An older boy asks me if i want to play a game

I don't remember the end of this story but I know how it ends

Childhood is captivity

I come to in a dark house

My hands and feet are covered in blood

I don't remember how this story begins but i know how it started

Childhood is captivity

The overarching theme of my youth and young adulthood is fear

The cage I outgrew had four walls and a brown panel door

The cage that outgrew me was a line of trees i was far too afraid to pass

Childhood is captivity

“I wasn’t always like this” will always be one of the saddest phrases to exist. And by ‘this’ they mean the insecurity,the never ending sadness,the suppressed anger which eventually turned into agony. It means they were once,normal,joyful even.They ran across gardens and still managed to catch their breath,now they cry in bathrooms and can never find that breath back.

-nipuna