Lithium Days
Lithium Days
Men in white coats will often tell you the truth about your brain
It is an objective truth that objectivity wears a uniform
Honesty comes in the form of diagnoses
And medication lists
Side effects and symptoms
Men in white coats have often told me the truth about my brain
I built a religion out of acid trips
And
Manic episodes
I teach others about it
There's a set of rules and roles that define our society
I'm afraid of society
I'm afraid of the roles
And the rules
I'm afraid of the expectations
Nineteen years old
that's when I lost my mind
I have an ego
I think I have a beautiful mind
I'm concerned for what it will look like in fifteen years
I spend all my best words on the things i feed my body
Sex
Drugs
Art
I don't feel as hopeless as I used to about my situation
Art will always be my first lover
It occupies my time and my heart
I've learned a lot in the last three years
I've learned that acid connects are often artistically inclined
I've learned my line stepping is habitual
I've learned it's not about what I can give so much as it is what they can take from me
I divide my world into bite sized boxes
Stranger box
Acquaintance box
Friend box
Family box
I'm truly a master at compartmentalization
I make it look easy
I have an ego
Objectively, I know I'm not in a great place
But
I often find myself thinking there's no one I would rather be
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More Posts from Exmeanswithout
sometimes person
i wonder if maybe manipulation is a natural part of my communication style
just another language i learned which although lacking in malice is no less unkind
short lived loves living in storage stacked ceiling-high
but I don't mind the temporary nature of the things i feed my heart
i play part-time partner particularly enthusiastically
let me treat you right for a moment cuz a moment is all I've ever had
being a sometimes person means I'm good at temporary
tempestuous trysts and dangerous dalliances keep killing my kindness
causing cracks in cold facades
features flitting from face to face fighting for freedom from fear, frustration, and longing
life, love, hard liquor and soft luxury
i replace all of these things with the poetic royal you
you the reader
you the scorned lover let down lightly alongside leather combat boots
bringing butchered beasts and(broadly speaking) bristly sing-song to my step
several lovers stated separately something which seriously stuck to this day
i am uncomplicated
don't you dare deny my defects
I'll disregard the defiance decisively for now
but between not noticing the never evers and saying something so suspiciously off base
believe me it's better to be brought along abreast against the brown feathers of tomorrow then brought beating and bawling from below to yesterday
"preheat"? dude i dont even HEAT my oven. thats right. im cooking my shit coldstyle. im stretching the definition of "cooking" far beyond its ultimate tensile strength. my chicken breasts are the most gorgeous pink color you've ever seen. they look like rosebuds on the very cusp of blooming. they look like the dawn when you're in love. hospital.
childhood is captivity
An older boy asks me if i want to play a game
I don't remember the end of this story but I know how it ends
Childhood is captivity
I come to in a dark house
My hands and feet are covered in blood
I don't remember how this story begins but i know how it started
Childhood is captivity
The overarching theme of my youth and young adulthood is fear
The cage I outgrew had four walls and a brown panel door
The cage that outgrew me was a line of trees i was far too afraid to pass
Childhood is captivity
“I wasn’t always like this” will always be one of the saddest phrases to exist. And by ‘this’ they mean the insecurity,the never ending sadness,the suppressed anger which eventually turned into agony. It means they were once,normal,joyful even.They ran across gardens and still managed to catch their breath,now they cry in bathrooms and can never find that breath back.
-nipuna