Lithium Days

Lithium Days

Men in white coats will often tell you the truth about your brain

It is an objective truth that objectivity wears a uniform

Honesty comes in the form of diagnoses

And medication lists

Side effects and symptoms

Men in white coats have often told me the truth about my brain

I built a religion out of acid trips

And

Manic episodes

I teach others about it

There's a set of rules and roles that define our society

I'm afraid of society

I'm afraid of the roles

And the rules

I'm afraid of the expectations

Nineteen years old

that's when I lost my mind

I have an ego

I think I have a beautiful mind

I'm concerned for what it will look like in fifteen years

I spend all my best words on the things i feed my body

Sex

Drugs

Art

I don't feel as hopeless as I used to about my situation

Art will always be my first lover

It occupies my time and my heart

I've learned a lot in the last three years

I've learned that acid connects are often artistically inclined

I've learned my line stepping is habitual

I've learned it's not about what I can give so much as it is what they can take from me

I divide my world into bite sized boxes

Stranger box

Acquaintance box

Friend box

Family box

I'm truly a master at compartmentalization

I make it look easy

I have an ego

Objectively, I know I'm not in a great place

But

I often find myself thinking there's no one I would rather be

— rhythmicrhinoceros

an ode to an adderall found between crumpled bedsheets

hello my beloved

I've been thinking about you you know

what a chance

meeting like this

me here

you here

us here together

lets get you out of there

i understand what it's like to be forgotten

let me take care of you

Anne Carson, Plainwater: Essays and Poetry

An ode to a white claw shoved in the back of the fridge

Wow

It's you

That object of my deepest most secret desires

I swear no one has ever felt longing like this longing I feel for you

It seems to permeate like the summer sun

Or the winter wind

The way it fills me

The way you fill me

This dreaming of you

Like a cancer it corrupts my mind till all i can articulate is my wanting for you

Altered Stasis / Positive Discharge

Disagree strongly

Disagree somewhat

Agree somewhat

Agree strongly

-

When I took it the first time it occurred to me that it was lacking in nuance

-

When I see myself in others I can't help but be happy for them

-

I'm often bored

And I struggle to say it without saying it

-

At times it appears enrichment is my primary motivator

What a blessing, then, to live in such an enriching world

With so many goodies

-

I'm scared though

To say it I mean

-

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog

-

That sentence contains secret significance

I will not elaborate

-

I LIVE IN A VAMPIRES CASTLE

-

I run down the walls and seep into the floorboards

-

Parts of me get caught in the doorways

-

At times I feel like the echo of an echo

-

The nature of my existence is thus that I'm a metaphor for the things you leave behind

-

I've never wondered who I used to be

-

I still haven't said it

I'm still afraid

-

despite my present affliction I still care what others think

-

When they say something funny I laugh

-

I rehearsed this

-

This poem is a window into the mind of a–

-

I'm still afraid to say it

-

There's consequences to being the way I am

-

From another perspective

There's consequences to being the way anyone is