Okay. Im Not Letting My Brain Go Into Panic Mode. Im Going To Eat, Take A Shower, And Nap.

okay. im not letting my brain go into panic mode. im going to eat, take a shower, and nap.

then i’m going to make a list of pros and cons; implications; estimated timeframe; financial impact; other related and not related factors that will be impacted.

then i’m going to make a plan.

then i’m going to sleep on it.

come friday next week, if i still want this (and given the plan has had updates as more things have been considered) then im going to go for it. worst case: i lose some family, but i gain my life wholly so. and selfishly i want that so bad.

okay when i said i stuffed up my sleep schedule…. it was like two nights on bad times. then i slept in good times for a couple nights. but now im awake??? it’s 1:30am?? i give up trying to fight this gonna go study ig.

i want to complete that sudoku book on my shelf and that spider solitare storyline for halloween on my phone. i want to start learning about fractals and probability mathematics and the chaos theory.

i want to learn how to play chess and play it well, i want to pull my piano out and feel that tune i’ve had on loop, i want libraries and late night reading, i want to make silly anagrams that are so outrageously specific and dramatic and stupid, i want chai latte, i want rum and crime novels, i want to learn and consume and never be bored again a day in this life.

maybe one day her bones stacked in the corner will feel the warmth of a soul alight. maybe one day she’ll finally breathe without cracked collarbones. maybe one day she’ll know the little death and stop visiting her grave. maybe then she’ll have a home that echos of giggles and glows with morning light. maybe then church won’t be so far.

home is the first grave // until i gather the strenth to drag my bones out the front door my soul will haunt these shadowed halls. the kitchen echos of angrily washed dishes and silent mornings, the living room reverberates arguments past and loud screams. the room is filled with quiet sobs and repeated whispers, just once more then you’ll be done, just hold on once more. but it’s once more in the same way that soon will never be here and then is never now.

on the topic of chronically ill living. if i’m going to be coughing this i much i better have a some solid core strength come years end.