Ineptias Loquor - Tumblr Posts
2024
LEARN TO LEAN ON OTHERS
ASSUME THE BEST ALWAYS
LOOK STRANGERS IN THE EYE
PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST
DO IT SCARED AND SOBER
LEARN THE WORD, THEN LIVE IT
SHARE IN THE JOY OF CREATION
APPRECIATE THE PRESENCE OF GRIEF
DO NOT LET THE GUILT CONSUME YOU
WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN
BE IN YOUR BONES
THIS IS NOT YOUR GRAVE
epiphanies.
A couple days ago, the revelation hit me. I finally made it to the life i was always holding out for. The weight of that realisation crushed me. I had so many dreams that were once everything to me... and I'd just let them go. I knew my circumstances wouldn't allow those dreams, and I thought I'd made peace with that fact. But seeing how achievable they all are now, it hurt. I was left questioning which version of myself was more me. Then, today, I had the second epiphany. There is no longer a time bomb. I am no longer trying to squeeze all my life's worth of living into four tiny years. I can breathe. I can learn. I can live.
Everything doesn't end now that I made it here. I will not spend this year in guilt or grief. I am going take care of myself. I will be sober, and stay sober. I will learn what it means to lean on others and how to do it. I will do the things I want to, even if I am scared. I will be in my bones more. I will journal everything (I'm not performing for anyone). I will learn my faith as it is, unfailing love. I will put kindness first. I am going to learn how to love others better, how to be a better friend, a better person.
I am dedicating this year to living. I hope to find missing pieces of myself in the cracks of early mornings. I hope to find new favourites in unexpected places.
I will find myself again, and this time I promise to take care of her.
this year I'm going to live.
seeing cavetown tonight :D it’s so fucking hot outside and the line is wrapped around the block!! i’m so freaking excited!!!!
1. i think i might be scared about change for the first time. i think this is good for me.
2. i’m surrounded by those who love me like im person when im used to being loved like a dog; for loyalty and malleability rather than who i am… but i don’t understand who i am
3. i have to learn to be okay with myself again.
4. i need to take care of myself, for so much more than the mere act itself.
nowadays, words are absconding. my tongue runs and runs and runs but never quite catches up to my heart. waves push and pull. i try to be in my bones but get lost down my veins. my teeth aren’t here.
my inability to articulate this cycle in a justifiable way has left me rotting.
i’ll have a month of sleep and no motivation. then out of the blue i feel better and i think sweet it’s over now. but it’s not. because now the switch has been flicked and the world is techno coloured, i have four brains running on crack, i’m not sleeping more than 7hrs a night, and all the things i want to do are impulsive and stupid. the bad coping mechanisms come back and old habits start up again. and i feel so energetic and have so many things i want to do, but energetic isn’t even the right word. it’s like electricity, but the overload light is flashing bright blood red. ideas escape my head. the colours become overwhelming and im left wanting to claw myself to skin and bones
i’m sick of thinking i’m better and being greeted with the patience and impulsiveness of a toddler like a slap to the face. i just want to function normally, i just want to be normal mom. why aren’t i normal mom? god why did you not make me normal? why aren’t you here with me?
had a good day, uncomfortable afternoon, had a mini breakdown, feeling better and more motivated than ever even if i am little bit tired now lol thriving vibing and not dying
i know i say it a lot, but it’s the only way i know how to say what i mean sometimes. i hope those three words are enough sometimes. i hope you know i say it with my whole heart everytime.
i love you.
not to be serious in my little jester fest here, but do you ever think a little bit too much?
i am both happy and anxious that i have felt what true stress is like. like i could never identify it. and now i can. and i am stressed.
i wish i could take all of your sadness and hold it for you.
I love you so much and I don't know where to put it all.
i worry that when you leave the weight of it will crush my ribs, all my oxygen leaving with you, robbing me of breath till you return.
twisting my words so you can say that i hurt you. you have so little faith in me?? am i really a horrible person? you make me feel awful for wanting to live, for trying to live, for making space for myself so that i can live.
i wanted to have dinner with you, i wanted to talk and catch up.
i lasted one hour in that ghost ridden house.
it’s at tuesday at 10:26am and i’m sitting here in the fast food restaurant where i’ve just dropped you off for your shift and though i still feel lost, i finally feel like i’m beginning to find myself.
finally, i’m getting to know the girl i’ve spent the last 18 years fighting for.
finally.
for the first time, i actually want to tell you something, let you in on my life.
not for the burn but for the warmth, because i love you and i want you in my life.
but you are one of the people who light the fire burning in that house. and you don’t love me enough to look past your own opinions. you don’t love me enough to put down the matches.
you don’t love me enough.
so i have to plan around the burning home. i plan an escape route, and check all the fire alarms. i fill water buckets and leave all the windows unlocked. i make sure i’m prepared for the flames, for every scenario.
becuase otherwise i will choke on the smoke that used to keep me warm.
you love me but it’s not enough and it never will be. that’s the tragedy.
i’m grateful you stormed out instead of spiting your harsh words at me.
perhaps in another universe you are happy for me instead.
perhaps in another universe i know how our arguments make me feel.
I saw my psychologist today. she used the phrase “like the sun soaking into rocks”. i thought it was beautiful.
we chatted and i told her how i never quite know how things feel in my body.
i breathe in. i breathe out. i close my eyes and try to feel again.
it hurts. — i feel as though i’ve swallowed one of those sun soaked stones. I think about it all. will you ever respect me as an individual person? see me as more than a sacrificial lamb?
the lump in my throat pulses hot. i remind myself that i am a whole, individual person. i remind myself that i have time to heal. the sun soaked stone settles hard in my chest.
i breathe in. i breathe out. i open my eyes and make myself a promise; i will seek out the sun and let myself soak in the warmth of her unconditional embrace.
i breathe in. i breathe out and exhale the sun soaked stone, because things are okay.
sun soaked stones
it's difficult when you've only ever been loved like a dog. who am i without my tricks? my loyalty? my devotion to you? who am i when you leave me at the kennel, who am i when i run away from home?