On Religion - Tumblr Posts
"I BELIEVE THERE IS A GOD. BUT I'M NOT SURE HE STILL BELIEVES IN US." // MUSINGS ABOUT GOD
Vi Khi Nao Fish in Exile // pinterest // Ada Limón The Echo Sounder, from "Lucky Wreck" // Mitski Bug Like an Angel // Margaret Atwood Half Hanged Mary // Ethel Cain American Teenager // Supernatural (2005-2020) cr. Eric Kripke // Elle Emerson Regarding the Röttgen Pietà // Yves Olade Belovéd // Kim Addonizio Wild Nights from "Tell Me" // Jensen McRae Machines // Supernatural (2005-2020) cr. Eric Kripke // Anna Kamienska A Nest of Quiet: A Notebook (tr. Clare Cavanagh) // Tom Waits Day After Tomorrow // pinterest // Lauren Camp Upon Taking the Universe One Thing at a Time
hearing hozier recite this song like poetry permanently broke something in me for the better.
happy 10th birthday to one the most iconic songs of this century so far
Baie | she/they | unlabled | 18
– currently listening to: 'david melrose theme' by hauschka, smokey eyes by lincoln, along with elias hix, hozier, noah kahan, gang of youths – currently reading: all the light we cannot see by anthony doerr and phosphorecence by julia baird
welcome
hello :> it's general chaos around here. possibly some web weaving of my own floating about. but there's not much else to it
about me: australian!! 2006. lover of love and life. infj 4w5. very in love ᰔᩚ chaotic good! rediscovering and building my faith :) lqbtqia+
academia: graduated '23!! starting my double degree in ‘24! slowly self-teaching japanese ᰔᩚ. chaotic academia by blood
the goal: bachelor criminology and criminal justice + psychological science (and maybe cybercrime in the future?)
master list
(links are broken atm, but the tags are correct)
#poems and quotes
#ineptias loqour (my posts)
#study log
#media
#artwork
#music
#musings (a fav of mine)
#meme
#not a meme but that same category of posts
#on christianity
#letters to myself
#that one type of green
#web weaving
#anderson don’t talk out loud. you lower the iqueue of the whole street. (queue tag)
added this section with the tags i use most often so i can find posts later, everything else is just #on *thing* and frankly i can't be bothered with that.
will possibly add links to fandoms and reads... not sure yet. it would be good to have an active list of all the books i read and enjoyed enough to keep a list of…. here’s a short list of fandomesque things tho: sherlock, rwby, bts/kpop, d20, sk8 the infinity, good omens, epic the musical, lore olympus webtoon, loki series, fnaf,
books would include: archives of despair by caleb finn, hamlet, good omens, throne of glass series, embassy row series, the song of achilles by madeline miller, they both die at the end duology, the inheritance games series, shadow and bone+six of crows, everything by alice oseman
music as well perhaps? hozier, bts, ericdoa, noah kahan, glaive, cage the elephant, lizzy mcalpine, cave town, mccafferty, chase atlantic, brakence, eden, the front bottoms, (it’s all over the place… just not much country music tbh)
here’s the old intro post, haven't decided what to do with it yet
⊹˚₊ ૮꒰•༝ •。꒱ა
ik this is a new account, but i’ve been here since july 2020 <3
for what i have done and failed to do i am sorry.
Marina Tsvetaeva, excerpt from Poem of the End, Selected Poems (trans. Elaine Feinstein, with Angela Livingstone)
Girlhood is a spectrum: biblicially accurate angel <--> gregor samsa
maybe one day her bones stacked in the corner will feel the warmth of a soul alight. maybe one day she’ll finally breathe without cracked collarbones. maybe one day she’ll know the little death and stop visiting her grave. maybe then she’ll have a home that echos of giggles and glows with morning light. maybe then church won’t be so far.
home is the first grave // until i gather the strenth to drag my bones out the front door my soul will haunt these shadowed halls. the kitchen echos of angrily washed dishes and silent mornings, the living room reverberates arguments past and loud screams. the room is filled with quiet sobs and repeated whispers, just once more then you’ll be done, just hold on once more. but it’s once more in the same way that soon will never be here and then is never now.
my college essay i wrote about queer religious trauma
- @/finchmoment on tiktok
Growing up religious, the realization of your own queerness is also the realization of a betrayal. It will be argued two ways- either you are betraying God, or He is betraying you. Either way, you lose. When you are both the Betrayer of God and the Betrayed by God, you will, inevitably, become the Exiled too. Is it my fault? When Judas only played the cards he was dealt, is he really to blame? Is there something we could have done, something to change the course of time, to write ourselves out of condemnation? And would we have done it, if there was? I was young when I was eviscerated. Foolish, too. To this day, I still don't know why I expected things to be any different. I was raised this way, after all. I was raised knowing queer was a synonym for wrong, knowing gay was a synonym for sin. And still, when I realized that I was a synonym for all those things too, my entire world fell away from me. Daughter turned disappointment. Classmate turned outcast. Friend turned disgrace. Human turned abomination. I found myself alone, not for the first time, but for the longest time. Nothing would ever be the same, and I have spent my life since reeling with it. The church will argue that I betrayed God and I won't disagree with them. It's true- that I was His once. That I made promises to Him I couldn't keep. That I swore my life to someone I would later abandon. But it is also true that I am human, and I am small, and by saying I betrayed God you are either handing me supernatural power or shrinking God down and admitting to His weakness, admitting to His fallibility. Maybe those are the same thing. If at the end of my life I am wrong about my beliefs, I hope He is as merciful and forgiving as they say. Because I tried. Because I spent my childhood trying. Because I need those years to matter. God, I am sorry for growing weary and giving up. I am sorry for pulling away and choosing myself, my little life. Call that betrayal if you will. In The Last Days of Judas Iscariot, Judas asks, "Why... didn't you make me good enough... so that you could've loved me?" I see myself in him, then. I've never understood how it was fair. Being born this way, having no say in the matter, doomed from the start. If God truly is omniscient, if He truly cares about his creation, then why were my pleas for redemption met with a deafening silence? Why did God make me so unrighteous that He could not bear to be in my presence? Isn't that betrayal? Promising everything, ripping it away? Why did He choose Judas for the role of the traitor? Why did he choose me for the role of the pariah? Why weren’t we good enough? I have been reborn since. Not in the way of a baptism, but in the way of a phoenix. Deconstructing your religion will turn your anger biblical. It will send everyone running and leave you standing alone, spark turned flame, burning yourself and everything familiar to the ground. You will be alone, smoking, until your body returns to the dust from which humanity was made. It will be up to you to recreate yourself, then. To craft your bones from the wreckage. To make a clay to smooth on like skin. In the church, a burning is a death. But wasn't hellfire always my fate? Here's the Truth— the fiery furnace is the ultimate act of faith. Faith not in Him, but in me. I am reborn in these flames. Belonging to no one, owing Him nothing. Yes, I was His once. But I am Mine now.