I Want To Escape. What If My Trip Doesn't Fix Me? What If The Unthinkable Is The Only Silence To This

i want to escape. what if my trip doesn't fix me? what if the unthinkable is the only silence to this unearthly noise....

there are times, when i look at you, a heart full of love, eyes sparkling with joy. and i don’t want the world to see our love, it is undeserving. this world is so full of hate and suffering. when the fear creeps up on me i think; this world is going to take you from me.

but the world doesn’t need to know. you know that i love you, that’s more than i could ask for <3

i wish i was brave like you and i wish i could be out like you are so proudly…. but i’m still the girl who walked stiffly through a pride festival, feeling as though i’m still not supposed to be there. the girl who won’t call you girlfriend. the girl who lets your hand go at the slightest glance from someone, fearful of getting my heart hurt by strangers. the girl who won’t just kiss you under a mini eiffel with an excuse like “i’m just not that out yet…”

From Backwater Sermons by Jay Hulme

what if I wasn’t tired all the time imagine the possibilities

But back in this city i am left feeling small. once this would have been comfortable, the chameleon daydream was something I so longed for.

here in a city i once would have died to move to, i want nothing more than to be packing up doddi in a town with no service, no power and shitty weather.

something changed. i met a girl who saw me, and maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. maybe, just maybe, i wanted to be seen.

you see me. you actually see me, and not just some version of me that you want me to be.

suddenly the chameleon city is the furthest thing from what i want.

so i smile, breathe in, breathe out, and just listen. i hear the chatter of my found family,

…and the chameleon city shrinks.