I Breathe In

I breathe in

Possibilty

I breathe out

Fear

I breathe in

Pride

I breathe out

Shame

I breathe in

Honesty

I breathe out

Secrecy

I breathe in

Love

I breathe out

Hate

I breathe in

Friendship

I breathe out

Enemies

I breathe in

Brotherhood

I breathe out

Sisterhood

Sitting around

Waiting to get help

Fearing life and fearing not getting help

The idiocy of our decisions

Beating ourselves up

The questions

Remaining

As to why

We stopped

Loving everything

And anything

Being gone

Hating ourselves

Not having a reason to live anymore

If once and for all

There is only one thing I want to experience again

And that is just cuddling with you

But it doesn’t solve anything

Doesn’t solve

My lost reasons

My lost picture of myself

How gone I am

And how I am afraid of life itself

Yet I don’t want to die

But it’s the only option

Right?

I don’t believe that

But I am caught in the middle of not wanting to die

But not wanting to live

For what?

In this world of war and uncertainty

In this world of hate

And disconnection

I am not strong enough anymore

Too much happened

Too many things went wrong

And still

I am only a part of myself

I am too scared

For this

I feel like this is over now

Sooner than later

I need help and I don’t want help

The contradiction of reality

I live in

Lost in this big wide world

I don’t want to rely on anyone

Yet I need to rely on everyone

I want to feel miserable

Yet I want to find a way out of this

I feel like I am just faking how bad I am feeling

Yet I feel like no one understands how bad I am feeling

The contradiction of the believes I hold is unbearable

The positivity is gone

I don’t want to fight to live in a broken world

Yet in its brokenness lies a certain beauty

I don’t want to read peoples emotions

I don’t want to interpret peoples emotions

I feel like how I view myself is keeping me distant from everyone else

I don’t believe that I can be helped

Yet I know and hope so

Everything at once

Gone

Forever

The times

When energy

Was an endless resource

And taking care of others kept me alive

But now

Nothing is ever enough

And nothing will ever be enough

I hope it will get better

Yet I don’t believe it will

I don’t want to hope

For my dreams to crash

Now I am the problem

The people I looked down on

I now can understand them

A little bit better

My self hatred is as big as it never was before

The reasons are gone

Just to live for your hugs

Is not an option

But maybe a beginning

Of a reason

Reason 1: Your hugs

Whatever

It’s stupid to resolve my world around your hugs

I didn’t even tell you what really happened

I feel so ashamed

I feel like I am not allowed to feel bad

I feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like I ruined this incredible chance I had

I feel like all of this is just my fault

And thus I am the problem

But your hugs are immaculate

Being cuddled in your arms

Is a reason to stay

I am sorry

That I am miserable

And not doing anything against it

Well my fault

Forever

Do you ever realise that you also have the chance to change things or learn out of things?

A fault isn’t a fate.

But as long as my brain is beating me up.

For every little small and big thing

There is only one reason to stay:

Your hugs

I miss the safety of your arms

and the softness of your skin.

Trying

Harder

Every day

Trying

Softer everyday

Trying and trying and trying

Using energy

Reusing energy

Feeling too much

And not enough

Just trying to function

But it doesn’t work

The walls are up again

It’s back an forth

Unsteady

One day smiling

One day hiding

Running away

And coming back

Again

And again

And again

And again

Feeling wrong everywhere

Feeling less wrong than before

Wanting to be seen

Wanting to hide

Wanting to run

This is so weird

I wanna run

And come back

And it costs so much energy

This inconsistency

And I want it to stop

But I don’t know

How to

Not hide

I don’t know

How to be myself

I know who I am

But not how to be me

I feel lost and insecure

And like repeating everything

That I ever said

Over and over and over again

I feel wrong

And right

And once again

Ambivalence

And I need

To be

Released

From this

Prison

Of back and forth

Can I just run forever

Or stay

I don’t know

It doesn’t leave my head

How weird it is

That I’m still here

Objectively everything is great

Subjectively I suffer

From a lot

I hate it here

And I love it here

Ambivalence

Bigger

Than ever

Before

There was a time

When I wasn’t

Now I am here

But it feels weird

Like I am not supposed to be here

And yet I am grateful to be here

Lost

Forever

In this

I can’t help but feel

Like it’s my fault

But it’s not

It will never be my fault

What happened to me

Or what happened

I can work on myself

But I don’t have to do magic

It’s still weird

To live

In a world

That I don’t really exist in

The way I am

Is not intended in this society

But it is in

Biology

Psychology

Me

I know that I exist

And still I often feel like I don’t exist in my every day life

It doesn’t work not to be out

But I also can’t force myself to come out of the shadows of my past

Lost

Insecure

Too soft

Too harsh

Too much of just functioning

Too less having fun

Never enough

Always too much

I am the contradiction

I am contradictory

Ambivalence

Forever

And maybe

Never

If you would say those things

In a different context

It wouldn’t be okay

But us being unethical makes it okay?

Why do I have to hurt myself to live freely?

Why do I have to live a lie?

Cause no one understands it.

And you say those things to hurt us.

To claim that we can’t be human.

That your morals are more important than my life.

Why me?

And why disphoria again?

I miss you laying in my arms

I miss you catching me

I miss you hugging me tight

I miss you looking at me like we are the only two people on the planet

I miss you saying you love me

I miss sleeping cuddled into your chest

I miss you being excited whenever I am taller than you

I miss watching you

I miss holding you close

I miss you showing me comics

I miss us showing each other music

I miss your room that just breathes you

I miss you and us and we