Trying

Trying

Harder

Every day

Trying

Softer everyday

Trying and trying and trying

Using energy

Reusing energy

Feeling too much

And not enough

Just trying to function

But it doesn’t work

The walls are up again

It’s back an forth

Unsteady

One day smiling

One day hiding

Running away

And coming back

Again

And again

And again

And again

Feeling wrong everywhere

Feeling less wrong than before

Wanting to be seen

Wanting to hide

Wanting to run

This is so weird

I wanna run

And come back

And it costs so much energy

This inconsistency

And I want it to stop

But I don’t know

How to

Not hide

I don’t know

How to be myself

I know who I am

But not how to be me

I feel lost and insecure

And like repeating everything

That I ever said

Over and over and over again

I feel wrong

And right

And once again

Ambivalence

And I need

To be

Released

From this

Prison

Of back and forth

Can I just run forever

Or stay

I don’t know

It doesn’t leave my head

How weird it is

That I’m still here

Objectively everything is great

Subjectively I suffer

From a lot

I hate it here

And I love it here

Ambivalence

Bigger

Than ever

Before

There was a time

When I wasn’t

Now I am here

But it feels weird

Like I am not supposed to be here

And yet I am grateful to be here

Lost

Forever

In this

I can’t help but feel

Like it’s my fault

But it’s not

It will never be my fault

What happened to me

Or what happened

I can work on myself

But I don’t have to do magic

It’s still weird

To live

In a world

That I don’t really exist in

The way I am

Is not intended in this society

But it is in

Biology

Psychology

Me

I know that I exist

And still I often feel like I don’t exist in my every day life

It doesn’t work not to be out

But I also can’t force myself to come out of the shadows of my past

Lost

Insecure

Too soft

Too harsh

Too much of just functioning

Too less having fun

Never enough

Always too much

I am the contradiction

I am contradictory

Ambivalence

Forever

And maybe

Never

There is no reason

No reason

No reason

But what I really wanna convince myself of is that I don’t care

Don’t care

I feel too much

And I am scared of it

So I stay away

And don’t go.

I am scared

Of what I don’t know

I don’t want to continue

To live in a world

Where I have to fight myself

To survive

Where I have to strive

To feel like I am worthwhile

Thank you for not staying silent

Thank you for your answer on here

From a long time ago

Maybe it is too much to ask

Can you help me again?

I feel lost and insecure

But I also fear

To not feel that way again

Because everything changes

At a pace

I can’t keep up with

And things I once enjoyed

Just feel mute

What is this

I run from it

Gone

In the world

Wrong

I can’t swerve anymore

I have to face

The reality

The truth

But I just wanna run

One day I’m fine

The other I’m not

Everything feels like

It’s my mistake.

My fault

Will it ever change?

If you paint a black canvas white,

is it not black anymore?

How

One day

Changes

One

Chance

One game

The feeling

Of belonging

Is so important

I wanna see

How

My life goes

I wanna see

How I can grow

I wanna live

And see

If I am right

If there is a chance

For you and me

To gently be

Exist

Without the fears

Of being a wrong

Person

How can you be wrong

I love your kindness

I love how you care

For people

I love

That you care

I love that you try

I love that you don’t give up

Try and get the help

Don’t fly away

I wanna stay

This is powerful

As today

What if we run

From the sun

To the moon

And exist

Here

We are

I love people

Sooo much

I mean

There are annoying ones

But mostly

They are kind

And sweet

And nice

And just want to connect

With each other

What if all those loud people

Are just lonely

And fear to be overlooked

Who is powerful

And who is not

I enjoy

This

And I hope

It continues

To inspire

Me

I will forever be snippets

Found everywhere

In Books I read

In blogs I kept

On notes

In calculations

I will forever be a journey

Of contradictions

And violations

Of my principles

I will forever have

Standards too high

Friends enough

Questions too much

My idealism

Is killing

My confidence

I am and am and am

Still

Though

Suicidal thaughts

Never seem to

Go away

I am as my dog

Going from one place to another

Over and over and over again

Giving up

Forever

And always

Being responsible for myself is yet freeing yet scary.

The contradiction of my existence.

Insecurity is at the start of change.

Right now

There is just

Being tired

And feeling alive.