If You Would Say Those Things

If you would say those things

In a different context

It wouldn’t be okay

But us being unethical makes it okay?

Why do I have to hurt myself to live freely?

Why do I have to live a lie?

Cause no one understands it.

And you say those things to hurt us.

To claim that we can’t be human.

That your morals are more important than my life.

Why me?

And why disphoria again?

Where am I

Where are we

Gone forever

I will never get back my childhood

I will never get back my past.

The same mistakes.

The same heartbreaks.

I have isolated myself.

I have destroyed my future.

Out of the fear of failing it.

Trying sucks.

Trying the wrong things sucks.

I am too far gone now.

I am someone who can be helped

But my contradiction

And my violence against myself is unbearable

I use myself as a tool

To get what I want

But I am wrong

And I will forever be wrong

When will I be right again?

If you paint a black canvas white,

is it not black anymore?

Sitting around

Waiting to get help

Fearing life and fearing not getting help

The idiocy of our decisions

Beating ourselves up

The questions

Remaining

As to why

We stopped

Loving everything

And anything

Being gone

Hating ourselves

Not having a reason to live anymore

If once and for all

There is only one thing I want to experience again

And that is just cuddling with you

But it doesn’t solve anything

Doesn’t solve

My lost reasons

My lost picture of myself

How gone I am

And how I am afraid of life itself

Yet I don’t want to die

But it’s the only option

Right?

I don’t believe that

But I am caught in the middle of not wanting to die

But not wanting to live

For what?

In this world of war and uncertainty

In this world of hate

And disconnection

I am not strong enough anymore

Too much happened

Too many things went wrong

And still

I am only a part of myself

I am too scared

For this

I feel like this is over now

Sooner than later

I need help and I don’t want help

The contradiction of reality

I live in

Lost in this big wide world

I don’t want to rely on anyone

Yet I need to rely on everyone

I want to feel miserable

Yet I want to find a way out of this

I feel like I am just faking how bad I am feeling

Yet I feel like no one understands how bad I am feeling

The contradiction of the believes I hold is unbearable

The positivity is gone

I don’t want to fight to live in a broken world

Yet in its brokenness lies a certain beauty

I don’t want to read peoples emotions

I don’t want to interpret peoples emotions

I feel like how I view myself is keeping me distant from everyone else

I don’t believe that I can be helped

Yet I know and hope so

Everything at once

Gone

Forever

The times

When energy

Was an endless resource

And taking care of others kept me alive

But now

Nothing is ever enough

And nothing will ever be enough

I hope it will get better

Yet I don’t believe it will

I don’t want to hope

For my dreams to crash

Now I am the problem

The people I looked down on

I now can understand them

A little bit better

My self hatred is as big as it never was before

The reasons are gone

Just to live for your hugs

Is not an option

But maybe a beginning

Of a reason

Reason 1: Your hugs

Whatever

It’s stupid to resolve my world around your hugs

I didn’t even tell you what really happened

I feel so ashamed

I feel like I am not allowed to feel bad

I feel like it is all my fault.

I feel like I ruined this incredible chance I had

I feel like all of this is just my fault

And thus I am the problem

But your hugs are immaculate

Being cuddled in your arms

Is a reason to stay

I am sorry

That I am miserable

And not doing anything against it

Well my fault

Forever

Do you ever realise that you also have the chance to change things or learn out of things?

A fault isn’t a fate.

But as long as my brain is beating me up.

For every little small and big thing

There is only one reason to stay:

Your hugs

Sometimes love is a sad thing

When you love someone you are not supposed to

For the third time

When you are friends

But you want more

When there’s never gonna be more

When he looks at you like he loves you but daydream doesn’t

When you love him but don’t wanna say anything

So you stay quiet

Just suck it up

Because you don’t want to loose those precious moments

Cuddling

And holding each other

Because you don’t want to loose the hope that maybe one day he will love you back

Although you know he won’t

How cruel is it that sometimes even love isn't enough?

How cruel is it that an illness can divide us so much?

How cruel is it that I seem to be too much for everyone?

How cruel is it that even me just wanting to be in your arms is too much for you?

What are you so afraid of?

Why can't we see each other?

I miss you soo much.

And this sucks.

It sucks that people always leave when you need them the most.

It sucks that the world is so cruel.

It sucks that noone can deal with certain illnesses.

And their severity.

We all deal with life diferently.

And I just wanna hear your voice and hold your hand.

And forget about life for a while.

Is it wrong to wish for that.

Is it wrong that with you I can forget for a while who I have to be.

I am so sick of hearing from everyone how

much potential I have.

They all support me soo much.

Because they know I can reach for the stars.

But all I wanna do is live a normal life.

But wherever I go I am supposed to be some wonderkid.

Some special person.

The one who saves the world.

I can shift the momentum in an entire room of people.

But that doesn't mean that I have to.

So I sit here in silence alone

With too much feelings

And too much potential

And I get more and more agressive every

day

And I don't know how to put my life in regular waters again

Because time and time again I end up alone.

Because people are either starstruck by me or scared of me without me even showing them my full complex self.

It sucks to be too much.