What Do You Want To Be?

What Do You Want To Be?

Summary: Sirius has a panic attack that takes a very sweet turn.

Notes: Harry Potter Universe, Sirius Black x gn!reader, modern AU or post-Hogwarts. I got the inspiration for this from a stand-up Netflix special, but I can’t remember the name of it. 

Sirius’s mind worked in a peculiar way. It ran at a million miles a minute no matter the situation, and although sometimes that was a good thing, it often worked against him. The smallest mistake could send his mind down a spiraling drain of anxiety and panic, and despite James, Peter, and Remus’s best efforts, it was difficult to fish him out again. Sometimes, the best thing the boys could do for Sirius was hold his hand and wait it out by his side.

Then, Sirius met Y/N. They were quite good friends from the very beginning (James loved to accuse Y/N of stealing Sirius away from him—all in good fun, of course), but Y/N had never seen Sirius’s descent into his own mind until the two started dating. Sirius had harbored a secret crush on Y/N since only a couple of days after they first met, and, much to his immense delight and utter relief, the feelings were reciprocated.

Now, nearly four years into their relationship, Y/N was the expert in keeping Sirius present and focused, even when his mind was trying to drag him down the drain. (It also helped that Sirius hadn’t had any contact with his mother or father in years, so he was much less prone to panic attacks overall.) James, Peter, and Remus had also gotten a bit better at calming Sirius’s nerves when necessary, but Y/N was still the best at it. 

Sirius smiled slightly at the sound of the door unlocking and took another plate from the sink, hoping to load the dishwasher quickly enough to greet her at the door. The sound of the door closing quickly erased that possibility, and Sirius’s shoulders sagged some; though he knew it wasn’t a big deal, he was a little more than disappointed that he wasn’t—

Sirius gasped sharply as arms encircled his waist, his own pulled tight to his chest in a defensive position. The next thing he knew, the plates in his hands were on the ground, shattered, and he was on his knees, apologizing and trying to pick up the pieces with shaky fingers.

“I’m sorry, ‘m sorry, I didn’t mean to—promise, I didn’t mean it—”

“Sirius.” Sirius’s head shook violently back and forth as if trying to shake away the soothing effect Y/N’s voice had on his mind, and apologies continued to spew from his mouth as he cut himself on the pieces’ sharp edges. “Sirius, love—look at me.” With a gentle but firm hand, Y/N held Sirius’s cheek and guided him to look away from the shards of plate in his bloody hands. 

“‘M sorry.” Sirius was tearful now as he looked into Y/N’s eyes, but they shook their head gently.

“Don’t panic,” they said simply. “What do you want to be?”

The first time Y/N had said this to Sirius was right after he had awoken from a nightmare. He had run away to the Potters’ house only days before, and James had invited Y/N over, knowing they would want to be with Sirius. The two had only just started dating, and although this aspect to their relationship was new, James was sure that if anything happened, Y/N would be able to calm Sirius with ease. Y/N was still awake when Sirius woke from his nightmare that night, and he barely had time to crawl into their arms before he began to shake and cry uncontrollably. And just as James knew would happen, with two simple sentences, Y/N had calmed Sirius’s mind from a racing whirlwind of anger and fear to a light drizzle of emptiness—an emptiness that was at least partially soothed by their presence. 

So on this particular afternoon on the kitchen floor, Sirius’s peculiar mind processed these two sentences very carefully. “Don’t panic” was easy enough; Sirius took a deep (if shaky) breath and forced himself to blink slowly, keeping his eyes on Y/N’s throughout. “What do you want to be?” was a little trickier, but his mind gave him a head start: a good friend, an auror, Harry’s favorite uncle … it was almost like a game, and it distracted his mind perfectly from the panic he was experiencing just seconds ago. And then, his mind threw another answer in his face, and it came flying out of his mouth without his permission.

“Your husband.”

The silence that followed Sirius’s words filled every crevice of the small London apartment. Y/N’s eyes widened slightly, and Sirius’s mind, which had finally quieted for just a moment, began to refill with anxiety.

“Yeah?” Y/N said, and Sirius nodded slowly. They smiled. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up, okay?”

Y/N guided Sirius into the bathroom and cleaned his cuts with gentle touches, apologizing each time he winced at the rubbing alcohol. Sirius could scarcely believe what had just occurred. He had just proposed, right? Usually proposals were a surprise to one party involved—sometimes both parties had a sort of “game plan” before it all—but he’d never heard of a proposal that was a surprise for both people, so did this count? He didn’t even have a ring. Should he have gotten one by now?—

“Sirius,” said Y/N, and Sirius looked down at them. 

“Yes?” he whispered. They gazed up at him with soft eyes, and the stress that had built up in the last minute or so flowed away yet again. Y/N placed a soft palm on Sirius’s cheek, their other thumb rubbing circles over the bone of his right wrist. 

“You feeling any better?” they asked, and Sirius nodded twice. Y/N smiled at that, taking a curl that fell in front of his eyes and smoothing it back. “Did you mean to say that … earlier?” they asked, and for once, Sirius found a hint of anxiety in their eyes instead of his.

Biting his lip, Sirius shrugged. “I mean … I didn’t plan it or anything, and I haven’t got a … a ring, but …” he shrugged again, his eyes falling to Y/N’s where it lay over his bandaged hand. He bit his lip. “But I … I wouldn’t mind, as long as … as long as you’re … happy with it.”

Y/N grinned up at him, light and mischievous. “Do you want to marry me, Sirius Black?” they asked in a teasing tone, and Sirius groaned, leaning forward and burying his face in the crook of their shoulder and neck. 

“Don’t tease,” he murmured, lips pressed to Y/N’s collarbone as he spoke. 

“Well, you’ve got to give a response to my proposal, Mr. Black,” Y/N responded with a faux-innocent look. “D’you wanna marry me?”

Sirius peered out from his spot on Y/N’s shoulder and nodded, a fierce blush burning over his face. “Yeah, I wanna marry you,” he whispered against their lips, which curled up with a genuine smile. 

“We can go down to the courthouse later, if you’d like?” they whispered, and Sirius nodded, pressing a sweet, warm kiss to their lips.

So much to do! So little time!

🐾 Marauders Masterlist 🐾

Sirius Black

Imagines ↳ Orestes — in which Marlene McKinnon is very very gay ... but her sister isn’t. ↳ Attention to Detail — in which Sirius is desperate to learn to tell when Lola is uncomfortable, especially after he figures it out the hard way. ↳The Linguist — in which rockstar!Sirius goes to visit his old friend—or were they more?—while on tour.      ↳Part 1: The Bouquet      ↳Part 2: The Bookshop      ↳Part 3: The Bistro (coming soon ...) ↳Strings — in which rockstar!Sirius reconnects with the girl of his dreams at the symphony. ↳Part 1      ↳Part 2

Blurbs ↳ The Rebel Black Boy — in which neither Sirius nor Freya want to be here, but at the very least, they can find solace in one dance together. ↳ Screaming Portraits — in which Sirius has been anxiously waiting at Grimmauld Place for ages before his girl comes home. ↳ What Do You Want To Be? — in which Sirius’s panic attack takes a sudden but very sweet turn. ↳ Squint And You'll See It — in which Sirius can't imagine why his potions partner won't wear her glasses.

Definitely Don’t Imagine ... (special series) ↳ ... Sirius Admiring from Afar  ↳ ... Sirius’s First Encounter with an Electric Blanket ↳ ... Sirius Getting You out of Class

Tiktok Trends ↳ Lipstick Stains — in which Y/N and Sirius do the trend in which one partner covers the other’s face in lipstick stains. ↳ Favorite Photo — in which Sirius does the trend where he can’t stop staring at his favorite photo of Y/N and himself

Remus Lupin

Imagines coming soon ... requests always opened!

Blurbs ↳ Smuggle-Born — in which James, Sirius, and Peter get the wrong idea about where Remus is going every couple days.

James Potter

Imagines ↳ September — in which James falls in love far too easily.

Blurbs ↳ Cute Kid — in which James Potter falls in love with one of his first graders' mom. (This is a blurb-headcannon-list-story-series thing? idk but it's cute so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) ↳ Parent-Teacher Conferences ↳ Seeing Each Other Around Town ↳ Career Fair ↳ Liam and James Make You A Birthday Gift ↳ James Takes Liam to School ↳ You Get A Visitor in the ER ↳ Kindergarten Graduation

Lipstick Stains

Summary: reader and Sirius do the tiktok trend in which one partner covers the other’s face in lipstick stains.

Notes: Harry Potter Universe, Sirius Black x reader (no Y/N), modern!AU headcannons

First things first: Sirius is absolutely the one wearing the lipstick and covering your face in the stuff

The whole idea kinda started with him trying out your different lipsticks

And you tried to explain to him that when you first put on liquid lipsticks, they come off on things really easily

Like if you’re drinking something, the lipstick leaves a mark on the glass

And of course Sirius stubbornly pretends not to believe you, so you tell him to try it out

You meant on a cup or something

He did not take it that way

So of course, Sirius applies some liquid lipstick, holds the side of your face, and presses his lips very firmly on your cheek

Like he’s trying to stamp your cheek with his lips

Which I guess he is

And he pulls back and examines your cheek and sees that it did indeed leave a mark, and he’s unreasonably excited about it

So this turns into Sirius trying each and every one of the available lipsticks—even going to Mary and Marlene and Lily begging for more—and seeing if they’ll leave marks on your face

And at the beginning, you’re a bit flustered by all this because you really weren’t expecting Sirius to spend his day pressing bruising kisses all over your face and neck

But here you are

Covered

Covered

In kisses

By the time Sirius has the bright idea to actually film the tiktok, you’ve simply got this fond look in your eyes, and when Sirius purposefully smudges his lipstick for the tiktok, you reach up to fix it like it’s second nature

Sirius has got plenty of followers (mostly people who are completely enamored by him, and how could you blame them?), but the most common comment on this post is “do you see the look in their eyes when they look at him?”

The tears I shed for you could fill a thousand oceans. But they could not extinguish your house.

Lemony Snicket? Can’t remember, honestly

The Rebel Black Boy

Summary: Neither Sirius nor Freya want to be here, but at the very least, they can find solace in one dance together.

Notes: Harry Potter Universe, pre-Azkaban Sirius, blurb

Sirius took Freya’s hand and led her gracefully across the ballroom of Lestrange Manor. Mechanically, he secured her in his grip as the small string orchestra began again.

“How’ve you been, Fawley?” he asked in her ear, and Farah smiled at the sound of his voice.

“Alright,” she breathed out with some difficulty. “You?”

“Good, good.”

The two swept across the ballroom floor, parting the throngs of other couples like the Red Sea. There wasn’t a soul that couldn’t appreciate their grace, and no one dared interrupt such beauty as the two waltzed.

“Your corset is too tight.”

Sirius tapped Freya’s back gently, making a dull thump sound against the whalebone inside, then lifted her before continuing.

“Yes, well.” Freya sighed. “There’s nothing I can do now.”

“I could always loosen it for you,” offered Sirius. 

Freya smirked. “Merlin—what would my mother say if she caught the rebel Black boy undoing her prized daughter’s corset in a side-corridor?” she teased. Sirius rolled his eyes, a blush creeping up his neck despite himself.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he mumbled, spinning Freya before dipping her one last time as the piece ended. 

“I know, Black,” Freya said, standing up straight again. “I appreciate the offer, but my mother would kill me.” There was a dark flash of pain in Freya’s eyes before they went back to their regular golden-brown. “Thank you for the dance, Black. I’ll see you around.”

Freya pressed a kiss to Sirius’s cheek before striding gracefully to the ballroom’s perimeter, leaving the rebel Black brother blushing like a schoolgirl.