Oookay, Ill Just Read That Over And Over Again Until Ive Memorized Every Single Word

Oookay, I‘ll just read that over and over again until I‘ve memorized every single word😭😭😭

Why didn’t I follow you already? Your writing gives me life and kills me at the same time.. How is this so relatable and beautiful and just..everything?!

something went wrong, you know this, something always goes wrong.

why does that something always seem to be you? 

i die slowly, drowning in despair with a rock at my foot pulling down, down, down till i reach the bottom of the well. and this is how i die, not by your hand, but by the cold of steel in your eyes, by your aching silence.

i don’t think there’s anything left to say.

breathe in, breathe out, lungs full of murky water, of mud, of pine jello; the ribcage too tight to contain my pain and anger, but you make some room inside me for both, ripping away my racing heart and taking it with you.

i think it’s time for me to move on.

i’m stuck in this moment like some prehistoric bug in the gold of amber, like a little fish in the nets of an old man. you walk away, it doesn’t last long, but it keeps happening for eternity. i’m stuck in a loop of you leaving me behind in the coldness of the room, in the emptiness of the place we called home once.

‘stay’, i should say. ‘please, don’t leave me’, i should beg, but the stubborn silence won’t tremble.

footsteps fade away, the thud of the door puts a full stop to the scene.

you don’t look back. 

for the first time, you don’t look back.

‘cas’, i whisper, when the curtain falls. 

this is how i die. with your name, a cold smooth pebble in my mouth. with your name, a hot and sharp knife at my throat. with your name, slipping from the tip of my tongue a little too late, when it doesn’t matter anymore.

i die with your name on my lips, as the last ‘i love you’, as the last ‘forgive me’ and the last ‘goodbye’. 

x

I just realized.. I’m exactly like Dean emotionally-repressed Winchester. I‘m creating intricate rituals just to touch their hands for a moment, I hold onto their coat, I drink waaay too much even though it’s ruining my health, all just because it makes me feel a little closer to them and helps me be a little more open and show them just a tiny bit more honestly how much they mean to me.. Although I’d never actually confess my true feelings.

I am usually SOOO cas-coded, but how I am with that person REALLY brings out the Dean in me. I just love them so much and I’d literally fight hell and god for them, the only thing I wouldn’t do is let the know how I feel. I just wish I could do more for them. They’re not in the best place mentally and I wish I could be what they need and help them, but I also don’t wanna pressure them into talking and I want to know they’re okay but they have a hard time talking about their feelings so I’ll never really know and I’m worried about them and there’s just nothing else I can think about than them.

I even started writing poems. Like.. a LOT of poems. I just really can’t deal with all this love for them, I see them almost every day and I always push my feelings down as deep as possible but they keep bubbling up and I just don’t find the right outlet.

Just watched this scene for the first time and dang, it really feels like it’s about spn..

BEST THING I’VE READ IN A (long) WHILE!!!

I want to watch the sunrise (I’m tired of the sunset)

Hello everybody! As promised here is the first chapter of my new fic as a thank you for 600 followers! I’m going to do my best to have new chapters out every other week depending on my school workload. 

You can read the first chapter below or on archive 

current wc: 5k

Description: 

Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak have been best friends for as long as either of them can remember. They’ve shared everything together, from their first double date to their first beer; they were inseparable, that was until college tore them apart. Dean tried to reach out over the years to keep in contact, but Cas never replied, so Dean had to resort to looking at Cas’s semi-regular Instagram posts in order to check up on his old friend.

Now, it’s been over six years since they last spoke. Cas is in a steady relationship with a girl named Daphne and Dean is… totally not jealous. When Cas walks into a bar just outside of a New York town where Dean’s spent his after college years, Dean can’t quite believe it’s Cas standing in front of him, mostly because Cas lives across the country in California.

Seeing Cas again makes Dean remember just how in love with his former best friend he still is. If only Cas loved him back…

Dean watched the rain fall slowly out of his apartment window. It had been raining non-stop for almost a week now and Dean was content to enjoy it. He loved the rain. There was something so calming about it, the way the water seemed to always know where to go as it slipped down the glass of his bay window accompanying the loud thrum of each droplet landing on the roof as one. It also meant that Dean could get some writing done without missing out on sunny days. 

He nursed a cup of coffee in his hands, sipping at the black liquid and relishing the bitter feeling of it on his tongue. Coffee was supposed to be black, he’d explain to anyone who’d question his choices, it was not meant to be loaded with cream and sugar like Cas always– Dean stopped his thoughts right there as a fond smile started to creep onto his face. He was trying not to think about Cas. His best friend of twenty years who had moved away, coming up on six years now, and who hadn’t spared Dean so much as a postcard since.

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I keep forgetting that something happened after they defeated god in 15x19 and Dean brought Cas back and married him..

I still can't believe we got that as a finale. Like...how? It doesn't make sense.