My Mind Is Like A Constant Stream Of I Cant Live. I Cant Live. I Cant Live. I Cant. Followed By The Pleading

My mind is like a constant stream of “I can’t live. I can’t live. I can’t live. I can’t.” followed by the pleading “you must live. you must live. you must.”

The small joys are holy. I look into her eyes, a green more pure than any earthly hue on this planet. I feel her breath against my cheek—warmth so tender it brings me to tears. I feel her arm brush against mine, skin on skin, wound on wound. These glimpses of her fuel my fire. I would die out if it weren’t for her.

My mind knows that you left, but my body does not. Each night, my body prepares itself for you. All of my blood goes to my arms, warming them to be wrapped around your body. I wrap them around my waist. I do not tell my body that the skin it is touching is not yours. When my heart is flushed with excitement as I walk down the corridor, preparing to see your face, I do not tell the growling thing that you will not be around the corner. I lock eyes with a stranger and I tell my body that the moment happened. My mind spares my body. In my body, we are still in love.

My heart opened like a flower toward the sound of her voice, the hum of her laughter. Her eyes pulled me in toward the alternate universe I have dreamt of since I was a child. The world full of light, love…the one that I did not believe existed. I love her to the point of belief.

I think my room is as lonely as I am. I feel it in the air when I walk through the door. The sort of unbearable, deep melancholy (the same kind that I fear people feel when they are around me). I smell the rot in the walls— the dirty, grotesque mold making it’s home there. It is always dark, even with the light on. Dark, and cold. I am describing my room. I am afraid that I am also describing myself.

I crave a love that is soft, tender, gentle. I want the type of love that glows fiercely in the dark and never burns out. I want something that is effortless, fateful. I want a type of love that I’m not even sure exists.