Mentally Fucked - Tumblr Posts

i'm just like patrick bateman but a teenage girl (mentally ill and scared of other girls) 🎀

I JUST saw that and i need to tell a history for everyone. Idk whos gonna see this, maybe even he will see this..

Begin

So, my history starts in 2022, i was still studying and a lot of weird and shitty stuff happened in 2021, so 2022 was the year of hope, the year that everything would change and i was sooo hopeful!

I was finally getting along with my colleagues and - again - everything was getting better...after my "dad"s death all i wanted was to fill the whole he left. And then he came, the new English teacher.

My English teacher H, was very young, like 22y at the time and you can judge me but at the start I really had a crush on him yk just teenager shit, it's the tendency. He was very sweet with me and everyone n he NEVER exceeded anything with me. H was mysterious, the only teacher who was still wearing a mask and this made EVERYONE wonder "hmm how'd he looks like?"

The Life change decision

I need to aware you guys, at the time i just lost my dad I was in deep grief, my teacher reminded so much of my dad, he was vivid. Alive. And again, i wanted to fill the whole of his absence.

When I asked myself, "how'd he look like.." I made a plan. He was (is) an artist and my friend used to draw a lot too (me too but I was toooo shy), so my friend and i decided: What if my friend created an account to post his draws, and give it to my teacher, he'd follow and we'd know how he looked like. WORST DECISION. but we did it. And IT WORKED!

Me being a good curious person, faked being sociable... *Yeah yeah ik it's ridiculously weird*. I started talking to him and we got close *but no too much* and then...my very first panic attack of the year } Making it clear at this point I didn't follow him on Instagram, i just knew his @. Back to the panic attack: it happened in his class, and he noticed and came to help me, Oh god what a bad decision.

He was very caring and did everything he could to help getting out of this, i allowed him to see my soul, and how it was broken and i didn't want to but my own decisions slipped through my fingers. And then happened what I thought it would happen. I got attached to him with all my little young heart.

Well he gave his Instagram to me (which I already had...) And we started talking for hours n hours, but I made this stupid to:

Ask myself

Well at some point we need stop and ask yourselfs: WE are talking or it's just ME? And yes it was just me talking.

I didn't know anything about his life, only he didn't have a father, he had a cat, and that he was still studying and liked Pixel Art.

So I stopped talking to him. The fun thing is that in school he never greeted me. Never. But all the other students he did. } In this time our last conversation was about his crush, that he started dating.

Ok now a jump of time, months like that, months and months, and he refuse to talk to me, and i was so so hurt because I like him, I looked at him as a friend. And i meant nothing to him at all. I felt betrayed.

I finally decided to send a message to him asking what happened, we talked, and he said it was a big misunderstanding of both of us (lie) and we started to talk again. It lasted a week. Till I joked about his friend being hot in a very SARCASTIC WAY. and he got a little angry.

After that I told him I wanted try to be a good friend and help him too, and he said straight up to me, "no, I won't tell anything about how I feel or anything like that" and i asked him why and he simply replayed "because no"

Idk I think I was just so full of rage and i snapped and said to myself "ok, I'm over with this" and never talked to him again.

End

So now I tell you guys: it wasn't worth it. Trying to save a relationship (in any kind) that it's over - sometimes - it's not the best you can do, sometimes it's better letting go, even if the person means a lot to you.

He never talked to me again and we probably won't ever again, but I learned with him that it is ok to let go and it is ok to have temporary people in your life.

Sometimes people we don't expect come so we can learn something.

If you came all the way down here and read everything here's his draws account, it's beautiful. H.

Satellite Sky

just put some clothes over my pajamas. therapy fit

I wouldn’t be yelled at anymore if I was dead

I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not interesting, I'm not funny, I'm not talented. What the fuck am I.

wow I really hate myself

I hate whenever my parents act like they care about my mental health then get all pissy at me when I tell them that I don't want to do school anymore even if I explain why, and I'm genuinely fucking tired of it.

I don't know about you motherfuckers, but when you are mistreated by the people around you CONSTANTLY for your entire life, without any breaks, and when that's done you're then blamed for it all, it really does take a toll on your mental health, and trust me when I say that it royally screwed my entire life over, I MEAN IT.

I had to face constant stigma and ableism for over 13 years, and the harder I tried to fix myself, the more people had pushed me away.

So, I'm gonna be BRUTALLY honest when I say this:

I've given up on wanting to go to college because it's way to expensive, I gave up on wanting a career because there's nothing out there worth doing, I gave up on even trying to find a job in the first place because nobody wants to hire a mentally unstable retard with no work experience, and overall I've just abandoned all of my passions and ambitions. All because people have kicked me when times got rough, and when I tried my best to make things right, it was never enough, they still kept pushing me down, and I just can't do it anymore.

And it doesn't help that my basic human rights are slowly being stripped away from me because I happen to be a disabled queer trans AFAB kid with a mental illness, basically meaning that by the time I make it to my 20's (if I don't kill myself before I make it to 18), I'll be living in a constant hellhole where I'll die in the worst ways possible to humankind.

All I'm ever going to be in life is this sad, mentally unstable, egotistical virgin who makes other people's life worse, and there is nothing I can do to change that, let alone anyone else.

I was doomed to be like this since the day I was born. And that's probably one of the hardest things I had to accept as a borderline auDHD person.

And that's the entire reason why I want to drop out of school, it's making my mental health worse anyway, and what's the point of being in school if I'm not gonna have a good life regardless??

And instead of actually listening to me, my bitch ass parents told me to suck it up and that my feelings were invalid and that I deserve to suffer, and honestly, fuck them.

"I was like you two when i was your age, and I regretted it, so you should stay in school" good for you i guess, but that won't change shit.

Stop pretending like I have a future, you're only making it worse.

good thing I'm suspended for 3 days so that I won't have to put up with school for the rest of the week...

Anyway I'm supposed to be working on homework rn, but I'm not going to because there is no reason to.

WHOOPS I ACCIDENTALLY REBLOGGED THIS TO MY MAIN LMAO

I have like only three moods:

1) I’m god

2) I’m a failure

3) I’m horny

people when mentally ill person is acting like theyre mentally ill

Currently I’ve been switching between rewatching the starkid/tincanbros musicals and old fnaf play throughs…

I think that nicely sums up my mental state

never felt so seen

It’s so toxic

My thoughts went missing years ago, but I can't even find them on a milk carton. They left no footprints and forgot to take the pain away.

Picassos dissociation

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Time is not real

Has it been an hour or just a minute after what you've said? I don't recognize the voice. Who are you?

-

The world is not real

Everything feels so far away, like there's a wall of glass between me and everything else. The faces of friends become the ones of strangers. The world is fake. Is there cotton candy in my head? It feels like a dream, like I'm floating on clouds. Everything I touch feels so light and like smoke. But God, please, give me something to make me real, show me evidence, that I exist! Make me feel the ground beneath my feet, make me feel pain, so I know I'm here!

But even the pain doesn't feel real.

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I am not real

The thoughts in my head are out of my reach, my memories stored away, my emotions unreal. I'm scared. Someone is screaming at me. I don't know what happened. I remember someone asking me a question, but the words they used are in a different language I do not understand. I try to scream but instead of words, there is silence coming out of my mouth.

-

"Who are you?"

I ask the person in the mirror. It should be me, but the stranger on the other side looks weird. It looks like a painting by Picasso, all messed up. I want to run but my feet don't move. I watch as my body just stands there. So I run without it. As I look behind, the vessel of my soul, once my body, still stand there as I fall into the abyss.

-

Please,

I just wanna go home.

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My experience with dissociation. It sucks.

Maybe I cry the ocean

-

In the last few weeks I have felt numb, still do and I'm not even sure if a few weeks is enough. It feels like years.

The ocean in my head is drowning everything out. In the far distance, I can hear the 52hz whale crying, but I can't answer. Water stops my voice and fills my lungs. I can't breath, but my heart beats faster than I can count.

I don't have the energy to stay afloat, so I'm sinking like a wrack. The darkness beneath me grabs my feet and pulls me down. I close my eyes, waiting to hit the ground.

I don't feel it. As I open my eyes to look down, all I see is black. I know that down there is a ground. Nothing is infinite. I just don't see it. I can't see it.

While still sinking, the world of creatures swims by me. Beautiful and ugly, tiny and big. I try to touch a shiny fish but it swims away.

I cry.  At least I think I do. My tears immediately mix with the water of the sea. I can't tell them apart. The deeper I sink the more I get pulled down. Harsh. It will probably leave markes on my skins.

I try to scream  but every last breath of mine seems to be made of the sea. Or my tears.

Maybe I'm drowning in my tears.

Maybe I cry the ocean.

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning” because if it was a good morning I would have bled out last night

Oh no The Cry is coming

I see many people claim to be hypersexual and constantly say it as if it’s a funny, quirky side of them. Being hypersexual is a nightmare and I can’t stress that enough, it’s not someone just being horny all the time it far more than that. People need to research these things rather than instantly going along with it. As someone who’s hypersexual it’s something I’ve always kept hidden it always made me feel like I was disgusting so I activately avoid the topic but I feel the need to make others aware of it aswell. what the true meaning of hypersexualilty is and how it effects a person.

I would like to go back to the year where women would be burnt at steak if accused to be a witch, cause I know damn well I would be brunt at steak and I rather be dead than have to live in world where I have to fight with people who can’t express basic sympathy to the struggles a person goes through regardless of their gender.

“Not all men”

“Not all women”

“Well I never —“

Irrelevant! Y’all wanna be praise so bad for doing the bare fucking minimum and not being a rapist, abuser, sexual assaulter, pedophile, groomer, serial killer, etc…

IRRELEVANT!!! Just be a human being and show love and support to a victims story, rather than making it about yourself or some fucked up gender competition.