Every Single Month I Am Like Wow Why Am I Going Insane? I Actually Want To K*ll Myself. I Cannot Be Alive.

Every single month I am like “wow why am I going insane? I actually want to k*ll myself. I cannot be alive. I cannot do anything. I am the loneliest person in the entire universe.” And then I look at my tracker and it’s like “period in 1 day”

She is an angel. I am sure of it. I was so close to death, toeing the line, drifting further and further into the darkness with each passing day. You could hardly tell the difference between me and a ghost. My body was fading along with my life. But then, I saw her face. I looked into her eyes which restored my pale skin to a fruitful, revitalized color. I felt her skin, warm and beating, against mine, and I felt alive again. Maybe more alive than I had ever been from the start. I heard her voice, filled with the rarest, truest essence of life, something that could not be found in anyone else. Her laughter—the sweetest, most wild sound that filled any room it embodied—made me whole again. made me holy again. She restored me, she made me alive. She created me.

my heart is filled with such deep, irrevocable desire for you. for your delicate touch, for your angelic voice, for the light in your eyes. desire, desire, desire. such a light and romantic word. it does the real thing no justice. desire is enormous, expansive, cannibalistic, consuming. I love you to the point of destruction. I want for you so much that it kills me—do you understand? I eat my heart.

I let go. I let go. I understand. These things do not belong to me. I can keep only one thing. My love. Not what I have loved. Those things are long gone. I can keep my love. It cannot be held, though. It can only be felt.

I know what you want and I’ll be it for you. I’ll be your man. I can be your man. I can be firm and tough. I can be your rock, I can be the one you lean on. I know I’ve got long hair, but I’ll cut it if you want. If it’s not enough, I’ll come back in another life. I’ll come back for you. In another form, the type that you want. I will cross time and death and the rules of society and whatever else it takes to reach you again. To love you again. This time, I’ll do it in the way I always wanted to.

Love is so large for me that it transcends all rules. I have often looked at my difficulty to decipher romantic and platonic feelings as a fault, but it is not. On the contrary, it is one of my biggest strengths. I love so loudly, so deeply, so truly…the lines between friendship and romantic love blur so easily. No matter what the nature of our relationship happens to be, my love for you remains undying, unconditional, entirely loyal, and undefinable. Love, for me, is bigger than love. It is faith, it is holiness, it is the divine, it is life.