Every Single Month I Am Like Wow Why Am I Going Insane? I Actually Want To K*ll Myself. I Cannot Be Alive.

Every single month I am like “wow why am I going insane? I actually want to k*ll myself. I cannot be alive. I cannot do anything. I am the loneliest person in the entire universe.” And then I look at my tracker and it’s like “period in 1 day”

Cracks of sunlight peak through the stormy, monstrous clouds. I stroll along the sidewalk, a ladybug crawling up my arm. hello little guy, I say, you are safe. I am not sure if the same can be said for me. I am alone in this world—lost and afraid. As I stroll through the once familiar sidewalks of my hometown, I feel as though I am out of place. I do not know where I am. I do not know how to get home. I am looking for god, I tell the ladybug. the little guy does not respond. neither does god.

I used to be a good ghost. I knew how to become invisible. I did well occupying empty corners, nodding but never uttering a word in the midst of lively conversation. I understood what it meant to sit back quietly, to watch the world unfold around me but to have no part in its unfolding. I am not as good at it now. I am angry. I am sad. I am hungry. I want to stand in the middle of the room, I want to join in the conversation. I want to force them to be aware of the sound of my voice. I want them to have to look me in the eye. I want to be seen. I am not a good ghost.

I always think: I want too much. I crave something so real and so certain and so magical, I need more than what is offered to me. I cannot settle in this life. I need. I need. I need.

But then, I see you. Then, I think: I would be happy for a simple life. I would need nothing more than to spend a life in your arms. I would sacrifice everything for you. I would give up anything if it meant I could see you smile. And it would be enough. I am certain of it.

you laugh and I laugh and it is holy. to me this is religious, this joyous energy that exists between your body and mine. I want it, I crave it, it lifts me up, it gets me high. I raise my hands up to the sky and praise whoever created you each time I see your haunting smile. we sit and we talk and your knee is touching mine. I do not move and you do not move because we are friends. you are my friend. except…I move a little closer. I want more, I need more, I feel the pull and I cannot resist. I am sorry, I always want more.

my heart is filled with such deep, irrevocable desire for you. for your delicate touch, for your angelic voice, for the light in your eyes. desire, desire, desire. such a light and romantic word. it does the real thing no justice. desire is enormous, expansive, cannibalistic, consuming. I love you to the point of destruction. I want for you so much that it kills me—do you understand? I eat my heart.