You Laugh And I Laugh And It Is Holy. To Me This Is Religious, This Joyous Energy That Exists Between

you laugh and I laugh and it is holy. to me this is religious, this joyous energy that exists between your body and mine. I want it, I crave it, it lifts me up, it gets me high. I raise my hands up to the sky and praise whoever created you each time I see your haunting smile. we sit and we talk and your knee is touching mine. I do not move and you do not move because we are friends. you are my friend. except…I move a little closer. I want more, I need more, I feel the pull and I cannot resist. I am sorry, I always want more.

Every single month I am like “wow why am I going insane? I actually want to k*ll myself. I cannot be alive. I cannot do anything. I am the loneliest person in the entire universe.” And then I look at my tracker and it’s like “period in 1 day”

I cannot do it anymore. I cannot open my heart to the darkness of the world. What hurts more than anything is that I know this is not true. I know that I will. I will let someone see my soul again. I will lay myself out bare for them to see. They will rip me apart. It will hurt bad. I will bleed all over. I know all of this. I wish I meant it when I say I cannot do it again. I wish I could abstain. I wish I was not so hungry. But I am starving, and I must eat.

I want to create so badly, so desperately. In my dreams, I am an artist. I weave poems of delicacy and create images of beauty and sing songs of passion. I can feel her so strongly, that person in my dreams. Sometimes, it feels as though she is my shadow…following me, trailing after me, dragging behind me like a rotting corpse. I wish I could be her. I want to create gorgeous, haunting art. I want to be something beautiful.

Who’s loneliness is up manifesting itself as a prolonged, deep pain in their chest?

I always think: I want too much. I crave something so real and so certain and so magical, I need more than what is offered to me. I cannot settle in this life. I need. I need. I need.

But then, I see you. Then, I think: I would be happy for a simple life. I would need nothing more than to spend a life in your arms. I would sacrifice everything for you. I would give up anything if it meant I could see you smile. And it would be enough. I am certain of it.