I Want To Create So Badly, So Desperately. In My Dreams, I Am An Artist. I Weave Poems Of Delicacy And

I want to create so badly, so desperately. In my dreams, I am an artist. I weave poems of delicacy and create images of beauty and sing songs of passion. I can feel her so strongly, that person in my dreams. Sometimes, it feels as though she is my shadow…following me, trailing after me, dragging behind me like a rotting corpse. I wish I could be her. I want to create gorgeous, haunting art. I want to be something beautiful.

I always think: I want too much. I crave something so real and so certain and so magical, I need more than what is offered to me. I cannot settle in this life. I need. I need. I need.

But then, I see you. Then, I think: I would be happy for a simple life. I would need nothing more than to spend a life in your arms. I would sacrifice everything for you. I would give up anything if it meant I could see you smile. And it would be enough. I am certain of it.

Every single month I am like “wow why am I going insane? I actually want to k*ll myself. I cannot be alive. I cannot do anything. I am the loneliest person in the entire universe.” And then I look at my tracker and it’s like “period in 1 day”

I told you I liked you. I did. I cry these words out like a hungry, starving baby. the wails echo for years. you never forget that sound. you told me that you don’t remember me saying that, telling you. I think long and hard. It must have been a dream, I say, I must have forgotten. I always forget.

Love is consumption. Love devours. Love eats. The allure of someone takes up my entire life, fills in all of the empty space and clears out what was already there too. I do not see anyone, I see the object of my desire. I want, I want, I want. It takes so much out of me. Desire, for me, is enormous. It hurts. I stop breathing. My heart pumps blood more slowly. Love takes over my body like some sort of parasite. It takes and takes and takes until I am empty, dissolving into nothing.

Love is so large for me that it transcends all rules. I have often looked at my difficulty to decipher romantic and platonic feelings as a fault, but it is not. On the contrary, it is one of my biggest strengths. I love so loudly, so deeply, so truly…the lines between friendship and romantic love blur so easily. No matter what the nature of our relationship happens to be, my love for you remains undying, unconditional, entirely loyal, and undefinable. Love, for me, is bigger than love. It is faith, it is holiness, it is the divine, it is life.