Having A Little Be Like [Child Alter]

Having a little be like [Child Alter]

#we love a dad who's a pushover <3

THE MANDALORIAN 3.02 • "The Mines of Mandalore"

Trying to be more open. |TW: RANT Denial Dissociation Trauma but not detail unless specified|

There’s a lot of times I go back and forth of being like yeah I probably have DID/OSDD and other times nah that’s not me.

I try to look at the facts. The facts, the ‘symptoms’ are real even if it turns out it’s not DID/OSDD there still real.

All the Parts that I know are not random, the names, ages, what they like, what they look like, if they have a source, their source. It’s all connects to different phases of what the body went through, positive and or negative. Being like oh that’s why you look like that or oh that’s why you name is that which happened again yesterday and was like what um what/no, hence the GIF.

I’m like either my brain is so ‘smart’ that I don’t even realize what the heck is going on or there’s something.

Before knowing about DID. I kinda did know about DID, but all I knew was really bad physical abuse/amnesia that can go like a week.

Before researching about it, these ‘symptoms’ existed. I just thought yeah this is just a weird thing that happens, and I always thought it was an acting thing. I love movies, shows, theatre, so that’s what I thought, because I always related to actors talking about going in and out of characters or how they get stuck in them and being like me too, so researching getting stuck in character but to no conclusion.

Those were from 2017 and in late 2022, was seeing everything that I experience on a daily basis on the screen and there’s a name attached to that experience (I do remember the thought process and one visual memory which tends to happen if there’s like a gray out I guess it’s called) . That made me want to research, I was like well I know with anything it’s not 100% accurate like example I love Hamilton the Musical but is it 100% accurate? No but I can enjoy it still, and one after the videos, articles was like that weird thing that I thought I was alone in well I guess these people experience it even if I don’t have DID I’m not alone, but was like ok I experience all these things except for amnesia and was searching is it possible to have DID without amnesia and after a month later found The CTAD Clinic videos which talked about DDNOS now called OSDD and learning that it is possible to not have amnesia between Parts and that there are different types of amnesia that exist not just black outs, and also in my family not having a good memory is normal so I’m always the person that remembers everything the most, (now knowing it was more the others that tell me with photos, videos etc)

I started noticing recently that there’s a mode where when I Alice really feel like me and identify with the body, it’s like all the knowledge of the System, how to do grounding exercises just goes out the window. A metaphor that one of the Headmates said was it’s like building a shelf and later I Alice now have to build it alone, like I remember everything that happened but it’s not happening, when I’m trying to build the self, what are these tools, how do I read the instructions manuals, it just what we like to call “it escapes me”.

And those thing happened more frequently when we were in school before knowing that we might have DID/OSDD.

At school not understanding why sometimes I understand something and don’t at the same time. For example because English is my second language (Now I know English more than Japanese but) at those times I couldn’t really write (reading was getting better and now it’s better) but writing does not happen (now I know it’s a trauma thing) my friend at the time will help me with how to write and those times I ‘turned into a child’ like I couldn’t think properly and was on a different mode, which this mode happened a lot in schools, especially when taking test. (I couldn’t control it and only really think in my head which other times I couldn’t) I had read out loud for my accommodation and during those times the anxiety was little to none. After taking the tests and my teacher being like Alice why did you chose C and I’m like I don’t know like I knew It was A and being like I should have listened to my gut, during the tests there’s times where I didn’t know the answer at all but in my gut I did and always later being like I should of trusted it. Another mode was this guy mode so I thought I was Trans and even changed my name and pronouns in one of the class (I picked a class that the guy mode did not like) so when these people called me He it just felt uncomfortable like I’m not a he?? But in other class room the thought of being a Female just disgusted me to the core, a lot of times this guy mode (which now I know who, even the child mode) when having a TW:💥 PTSD reaction (because a person was the trigger) before hand it used to be cry uncontrollably and being like I know this isn’t happening now but my body thinks it is to when this guy mode is out just straight up yelling and getting really stand offish, a lot of times I couldn’t control it and was confused and being like I can’t do that, and it’s dangerous, what if I yell at the wrong person. 💥

Amnesia

I thought I had none but was wrong about that.

My amnesia is like mention above if there is a extreme gray out I usually remember one video of it mostly with nothing attached to it and a sentence maybe, it’s like those big puzzles and I thought this right corner was all that it is and realizing later by Parts or Mom there’s more to the puzzle then what I thought.

The most extreme amnesia I have is (I went through constant trauma for me it was school I went to) in 1st grade let’s just say it was way worse then the others and it kinda broke the camels back (now I’m like why didn’t I tell anyone, (now I know why I thought it was normal to get mistreated by adults is because it was always happening) and I got pulled out of school because (which this is a total black) (TW: blood♥️) I was throwing up and pooping blood♥️, my mom was like ummmm this isn’t normal. My mom did go to the school and got mad at them but they didn’t really care (Context at these time we were living in Japan and most of these mistreatment happened because I’m half Japanese and half American and at the time my dad was in the navy, I was seen as tainted in some of the eyes of Japanese people) I always didn’t understand and was like I did not personally do War War II!! Like I didn’t do and I’m also half so I also have my Japanese side) so I went to the doctor and they admitted me to a hospital (in Japan staying longer in hospital is normal like if your getting a colonoscopy you usually stay there a few days type deal) so I stayed for about 2 months and they did all kinds of test (for me most of them is blank but from a year ago slowly coming back as flash backs sooo) I had ulcers in my stomach a bunch of them. And for me there were some positives like playing DS/3DS with friends there and making friends was pretty cool but a lot of times my mom said I was alone at night (which make sense why one Part has extreme separation anxiety with my mom, now she’s better though) after getting released? (Not sure if that’s the right word for me because a lot of medical related stuff was in Japan I only really use the Japanese word from it) but then my feet started to hurt (for me I knew this happened but it’s a total blank) My mom said I just couldn’t walk anymore and I was screaming all the time and couldn’t sleep because because of it. Now a second time of going to doctors to doctors this time not staying at a hospital but, then found this doctor which he was like you have Fibromyalgia which at this time I was 6 years old. They had to interview my mom because a lot of cases they see where a young child develops Fibromyalgia mostly through Epigenetic it gets activated because of stress, my mom and I had to be like no it wasn’t my mom (which this clicked with me later) so for a few years everyday had white bandages/包帯 all around me feet with 湿布 (have no idea what’s it called in English) for the pain and had to get a wheelchair because of it. My mom said this probably was the hardest thing I ever went through as a child but for me it’s like doesn’t even phase me because I don’t remember the pain etc sometimes now there are times which it does return temporarily.

For me I just ultimately don’t want to take away from people that do have DID/OSDD if I don’t have it.

Yes I have trauma in childhood especially that was constant and I dissociated since a child to a higher level. My parents are really good but they both don’t have any emotion skills so those were never talked about but you can have all of this and still not have DID/OSDD so I go in circles. And even if I want to get a evaluation here in Japan 🇯🇵 there’s like none, I did do a online one but it cost a lot of money and the person didn’t even know anything about DID he asks me do you ever wake up randomly someone and I said no and he was like you don’t have DID and I was like ummmmmmmmmm. And the stigma here is way yeah if I look up Dissociative identity disorder or Multiple Personality disorder in Japanese here the only thing that really comes up is the guy who has MPD that did a crime you know Billy (also there’s a tv show The Room which I have not watched yet so) so it’s even more like ummmmm, like I already have Autism, and in the LGBT community, and also Christian and in Japan all these are seen as different people and I also look like a foreigner so, (In Japan you can be 100% Japanese but if you live in the Western country they can tell from the way you dress, unless you like in Tokyo or something) now the racism is way better but it still scares me sometimes and recently with my therapist discovering that could be why I have agoraphobia and like I want to go outside but some folks on the inside are panicking because the childhood trauma that happened was in Japan and when moved here it’s still the similar area. 

It’s hard to be proud of yourself but I guess I should be.

A few days ago I was able to on a email really open up about DID stuff to my therapist like she knew about and some of the parts but lot of it I was hiding it because I was scared I guess of people looking at me (People in IRL) seeing me, us, not sure if other people feel like this but it feels like a threat if they know.

And today I told my mom with her she knew less like she knows about DID stuff but didn’t know any of the parts so I talked about three of them, the funny thing was with my mom we were rewatching Moon Knight because the first time she saw it, it was right when discovering about OSDD-1b and since then I know way more about myself and DID it self, so right now just rewatched episode 6 and I was kinda laughing the whole time being like the Irony in this ha ha ha and told her, it was really hard though but did it, I’m so proud that I can be more honest and open with the people I know in IRL.

if I see people mix up fusion and integration one more time…

INTEGRATION IS WHEN YOU LOWER AMNESIC AND COMMUNICATION BARRIERS BETWEEN ALTERS THIS IS A GOOD THING AND YOU SHOULD BE WORKING TOWARDS THIS NO MATTER YOUR RECOVERY GOAL

FUSION IS WHEN 2+ PARTS BECOME ONE PART

THESE WORDS ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE THEY MEAN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS

Ultimate Spider-Man 🕷️

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN During his panel at Megacon Orlando | February 3, 2024