Coward

Coward

I'm a coward

I don't have enough courage to make history

I want you back

I had you and now, that you're gone, I say nothing, hoping for the better, despising myself for it

Numb

I don't feel anymore because I was scared of emotions, thinking I'd be better without them

I'm a coward

I don't have strength or will anymore to make it better

Stuck in blank space

Feeling blue and desolate is my comfort now

all over the place

-a ghost of a memory

Windy. Foggy. Cold.

This afternoon was like any other, that’s what I thought.

The smell of the wet leaves slowly rotting away surrounded me. Wearing a thick wool coat, fighting the freezing wind, I was roaming through the empty streets of a forgotten town. The playful river following me kept me company. Mischievous waves trying to wet my shoes smiled at my poor attempts of avoiding the water splashing around me. The birds flew above me, singing melodies known only to them. The trees made a pathway, guiding me. In front of me was a wooden door. Opening them I saw a meadow. Moonlight lured me into its embrace. I gave in.

There are still tales about the figure dressed in all black, walking aimlessly, its life provided by nature.

One of my favourite things to do, while waiting for somebody, anybody really, is taking out my book and letting the time pass without me noticing.

This was The Secret History written by Donna Tartt, a truly thrilling read. It’s been gaining popularity for a few years and it’s known as the staple dark academia book.

Highly recommend it, I’ve tabbed living life out of it.

always and forever ✨

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Transgender people

Homosexual people

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Genderfluid people

Asexual people

Pansexual people

Autosexual people

Demisexual people

Bigender people

Agender people

Polysexual people

Straight people

Cisgender people

Straight allies of the lgbtqpiad community

ANYONE

about me:

Aki | fancy chaos |

- INTJ-T, 8w9, aries

- currently a philology high school student

- side interests: art, music, singing, photography, writing

- currently reading: started many of them with no energy so, whatever I feel like atm

- favourite book(s): Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami/Radio Silence – Alice Oseman

- favourite movie: Dead Poet Society

- favourite artist: MARINA (and the diamonds)

- favourite song: Buck-Tick – Sakura/Kiss Me Goodbye (always changing tho)

“What happens when people open their hearts?”

“They get better.”

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

“I wish I could be as subtle and beautiful. All I know to do is scream.”

“People move on quicker than I can comprehend. People forget you within days, they take new pictures to put on Facebook and they don’t read your messages. They keep on moving forward and shove you to the side because you make more mistakes than you should.”

Alice Oseman, Radio Silence

“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”

“How about if I sleep a little bit longer and forget all this nonsense.”

Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis

~ my writings

[masterlist]

you can also find me on

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Trigger Warnings: Ableism, Abuse, Addiction, Classism, Death, Depression, Grooming, Incest, Rape, Suicide, Suicide ideation

No Longer Human is told in the form of notebooks left by Ōba Yōzō, a troubled man incapable of revealing his true self to others, and who, instead, maintains a facade of a hollow jester. The work is made up of three chapters, or "memoranda", which chronicle the life of Oba from his early childhood to his late twenties.

A book that made me sympathize with the character's hollowness and, after learning of the author’s life, understand the sentiment behind it. There is a reason why in Japan, and now the world, this book makes you feel understood. The raw emotions leave a tear in your eye, unable to escape. The emptiness, hollowness, the human experience of the troubled person, not wanting to present the reality but, by making a mask, protecting yourself from evil eyes. It is a great book for psychology analysis, considering what has happened to the main character.

With caution and understanding of the TW, to feel human, you should read No Longer Human.

xoxo,

🪐