I Struggled Finding The Words To Explain The Crippling Anxiety And Worthlessness I Felt Surrounding Personal

i struggled finding the words to explain the crippling anxiety and worthlessness i felt surrounding personal attachments/relationships and this is everything i’ve never been able to put into words, but it makes me feel a whole lot less crazier

Resources For Describing Physical Things

Setting

Abandoned Mine

Airplane

Airport Check-in

Alley

Amusement Park

Attic

Bakery

Bank

Basement

Bathroom (home)

Barn

*GE* Barn 2 (Dairy Focus)

Beach

Bedrooms

Birthday Party

Bonfire

Bowling Alley

Bridge

Bookstore

Cafeteria

Casino

*GE* Catacombs

Cave

Church

City Park

Classroom

Closet

Coffee House

Courtroom

Cruise Ship

*GE* Cryogenic Sleep Chamber

Daycare

Desert

Diner

Dragon’s Lair

Dungeon (Caution Graphic Description)

*GE* Egyptian Pyramids

Elevator

Farms

Forest

Frozen Tundra

Gallows

Garage

Garage Sale

Garden

Graveyard

*GE* GLOBAL WARMING (dystopian)

Grocery Store

Halloween Party

Haunted House

Herbalist Shop (fantasy)

High School Hallway

Hospital

Hotel Room

House Fire

House Party

Kitchen

*GE* Laboratory

*GE* Laboratory (secret genetic)

Lake

Library

Locker Room

Meadow

Medieval Castle Armory

Medieval Marketplace

Middle School Dance (informal)

*GE* Mindscape (Mind Magic)

Mountains

Movie Theatre

Night Club

Nursery

Ocean/Sea Bed

Old Pick-Up Truck

Pirate Ship

Playground

Pond

Pool Hall

Prison Cell

Pub

Public Pool (Outdoor)

Rainforest/Jungle

Ranch

Restaurant

River

School Bus

School Office

Shopping Mall

Sleep-Away Camp

*GE* Spaceport

*GE* Spaceship

Stands at a Sporting Event

Storm Sewer

Subway Station

Swamp

Taxi cab

Teacher’s Lounge

Toolshed

*GE* Trailer

Treehouse

*GE* Tropical Island City

Urban Street

Video Arcade

Waiting Room

Waterfall

Water Slide Park

Wedding Ceremony (Church)

Woods at Night

Zoo

Weather

Air Pollution

Avalanche

Blizzard

Breeze

Clouds

Dew

Drought

Dusk

Dust or Sand Storm

Earthquake

Eclipse

Fall

Falling Star

Flood

Forest Fire

Frost

Hailstorm

Heat Wave

Hurricane/Typhoon

Lightning

Mirage

Mist or Fog

Moonlight

Mudslide

Rain

Rainbow

Sky

Sleet

Snow

Spring

Summer

Sunrise

Sunshine

Sunset

Thunderstorm

Tornado

Vortex

Wind

Winter

Color, Texture, & Shape

Color

Black

Blue

Brown

Gray

Gold

Green

Orange

Pink

Purple

Red

Silver

Spotted

Striped

Transparent

White

Yellow

Texture

Bumpy

Barbed/Spined

Crackled

Crumbly

Crusty

Foamy/Spongy

Fuzzy

Gritty

Pitted

Powdery

Prickly

Saw-edged/Serrated

Slimy

Smooth

Sticky

Shape

Arch

Circular/Sphere

Crescent

Heart

Oval & Oval-like

Rectangle

Spiral

Star

Square

Triangular

Tube

Wavy

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i don't know who needs to hear this, but 'perfect' writing is a trap. all writing is subjective. what we create today, we may see as flawed tomorrow. what we see as flawed today, we may see as perfect tomorrow.

writing is the act of transmuting the human experience through words. and the human experience? it's a messy, chaotic thing filled with rough edges and uneven lines and mistakes and failures. you can erase all of that. you can. but then you're left with something sterile and artificial. you've effectively squeezed the soul out of your work, and i can think of nothing less appealing.

this isn't to say don't edit your work. please do. but keep it within reason, and make sure you're moving forward and not backward. momentum is key.

don't sit on an idea for three decades waiting for that dance with inspiration, or that dynamite first line, or that eureka plot twist, or the words to flow like magic from your fingertips. because it won't happen. and if it does, it'll strike like lightning and disappear twice as fast. the only surefire way to finish a story is to start.

so write. for the love of god, just write.

along the way, things will fall in line. i promise. and if they don't? then they already have. the magic of art is that everything we create is a snapshot of who we are at the time of creation. it's like a time capsule of human experience, and there's a beauty in that authenticity-- in the mistakes we make and the wrong turns we take. don't run from them. embrace them.

let their lessons flow through you and channel them into something tangible. if it's hard, then start with one word and keep going. don't erase it. don't start over. don't let yourself believe your story isn't worth telling because if you don't tell it, then no one else will. and that'd be a damn shame.

so one word a day. one sentence a week.

whatever it takes.

it might be tough letting go of the idea of perfect. silencing your inner editor. your inner critic. it might be tough realizing that your story will never meet your standards, not completely, but it won't be half as tough as looking back and wondering where all the days, weeks, and years went; that in the pursuit of perfection, you forgot to ever write a story at all.

so leave perfect behind. readers don't want it. why would they? they can't possibly relate to perfect-- none of us can.

instead, give readers a window to your imagination, stormclouds and all. you'll be surprised by how many stick around for the rain, how many relish the sound of your thunder, and how many cherish the worlds that only you could bring to life.

I was getting pretty fed up with links and generators with very general and overused weapons and superpowers and what have you for characters so:

Here is a page for premodern weapons, broken down into a ton of subcategories, with the weapon’s region of origin. 

Here is a page of medieval weapons.

Here is a page of just about every conceived superpower.

Here is a page for legendary creatures and their regions of origin.

Here are some gemstones.

Here is a bunch of Greek legends, including monsters, gods, nymphs, heroes, and so on. 

Here is a website with a ton of (legally attained, don’t worry) information about the black market.

Here is a website with information about forensic science and cases of death. Discretion advised. 

Here is every religion in the world. 

Here is every language in the world.

Here are methods of torture. Discretion advised.

Here are descriptions of the various methods used for the death penalty. Discretion advised.

Here are poisonous plants.

Here are plants in general.

Feel free to add more to this!

do other employed autistic people have advice for how to COPE with the fact that:

I have a job 8 hours a day that I am not interested in but pays the bills and provides essential health care and basically keeps me alive

Those 8 hours a day are gone and leave me too exhausted to engage in literally anything I find passion and interest in (aka. my hyperfixations)

So I am left with the choice to either A) slack off at work to focus on what I love (valid, good option, except that indulging myself even a little bit in this regard makes me RABID to quit entirely because how DARE anything come between me and my interests), or B) just Ignore My Needs.

Source ~ Neuroclastic

[Image IDs: Ten slides from Neuroclastic. All descriptions from Neuroclastic.

All images have a black background with candy-colored rainbow text and graphics

Slide 1: image features a rainbow silhouette with a brain full of talk bubbles that have insults in them. Insults include crybaby, sensitive, freak, weirdo, suck up, snowflake, idiot, stupid, loser, boring, try hard, histrionic, gross, etc.

From the silhouette is a talk bubble that reads, "This is not my voice"

Image is titled, "On Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Codependency, & Identity"

Slide 2: Titled "Stages of losing contact with the core self"

There is a 5-point zig zag graph with the following stages

Early Relational trauma: Needs are ignored, punished, or shamed. Authentic expression feels pointless or even dangerous.

Rejections accumulate: As authentic attempts to meet needs fail, the rejections begin to wall off access to core self Masks form: Person survives by experimenting with various masks as reactions to volatile or unresponsive people. Core self is further distanced: Masks shield Core Self from abuse, scorn, & neglect, but the person becomes a mirror of others

Codependency: Only the reactive masks have access to others, so a person's existence is defined by the behavior, moods, & acceptance of others.

Slide 3: Titled "Formation of Identity Masks"

An animated character with rainbow coloured hair peeks over a brick wall, each brick containing different words and symbols, while some bricks remain empty. Text above the character reads: "Identity masks are worn to shape the behavior of others. Even if an identity is true to the Core Self, masks make a person seem more or less:

[Words and symbols in bricks]

Popular, amused emojil, fun, smart, heart eyes emoji, educated, disabled, oppressed, dedicated, social, sad emoji, neuroclastic, angry, magical, religious, fashionable, heart icon, normal, stable, mature, political, angry symbol, responsible, smirking emoji, rich, independent, sad emoji, fit, brave, seductive, masculine, heartbreak icon, qualified, vulnerable, skilled.

Slide 4: Titled "Disconnection from our Core Self"

Text below reads: Eventually, we lose contact with our Core Self so that no identity feels real. Identities become more like outfits to put on & wear in different settings the same way we change clothes.

Different bubbles each read:

We mask as someone new in every situation & context

Who we are in the moment depends on the moods & behaviors of people around us

We do not realize that others are not also wearing identities as clothing

We have learned that boundaries get us in trouble, so we don't set them

We are then shocked & feel rejected when others set boundaries

We think people who know themselves are performing and boundaries are rude

Slide 5: Titled "Identities as masks are Identity Cages"

A circle has various bullets emanating from it, each occupying its own oval.

Text within circle reads: RSD is a disconnect from your Core

Self & identity

Bullets are numbered below:

We think our masks are identities, so rejection of masks feels like loss of self

We shop for & borrow other people's identities like they are others flattering clothes

We have perfectionism & are hypercritical of ourselves & others

Because masks are fragile like clothing, mistakes feel like a torn or ruined self

Relationships feel fleeting & fall into toxic patterns of codependency

Slide 6: Titled "Markers of Codependency"

Different shapes with similarly shaped wiggly lines arranged in a 2x3 arrangement, outline different markers of codependency, as follows:

Obsessive about others' and & own behavior Sees, own & others' worth as conditional

Tries hard to be needed & to fix others because love feels like a reward for good behavior

Falls in love quickly, but also can immediately hate someone others to feel worthy

Feels empathetic because identity masks rely on others' emotions for minor offenses

Needs a lot of reassurance, attention, & validation from others to feel worthy

Slide 7: Titled "relationships and Codependency"

4 rectangles, each with different representative graphics and unique titles, leading to the one after them.

The first is titled "Dangerous Relationships" with a one character confidently speaking to/advising a seemingly downcast character.

Text reads: Often exploited by people who see them as an easy target because they are afraid to set boundaries or say "no"

The second is titled "Martyrdom and Resentment" with an uncertain looking character holding an unbalanced balance scale.

Text reads: Taking a passive role of servitude & giving too much, then feeling like a martyr when others do not reciprocate

The third is titled "Other-directed life" with a signpost, one sign reading @NeuroClastic while the other remains blank.

Text reads: Goals, feelings, & desires are responses to others & not reflections of own identity or needs

The fourth is titled "Chaos & Drama" with one character with their finger up, walking away from a confused looking character.

Text reads: Criticizes & blames self or others for minor problems, harshly judges self & others, & manipulates to make self the victim

Slide 8: Titled "Reconnecting To The Core Self"

A circle is divided in quadrants, each describing ways to reconnect with one's Core Self.

The first quadrant is titled: Locating the Core Self The Core Self is not lost, just disconnected. It is the internal voice asking, "Who am I?" and the source of grief beneath the masks. Try to focus on that voice and connecting with your Core Self..

The second quadrant is titled: Dropping the Masks Identity is the whole tree - the roots, trunk, leaves, and fruit. Masks are the parasitic vines of unhealthy relationships and trauma. Begin to remove the vines one at a time when it's safe to do so.

The third quadrant is titled: Losing Value Judgements Dissociating from the Core Self means a person sees the behavior as identity, then strives to be perfect and push others to never make mistakes. You are not your behavior.

The fourth quadrant is titled: Learn to Set Boundaries Boundaries are more effective than masks at protecting the Core Self and prevent you from focusing externally to depend on others to meet your needs and maintain your autonomy.

Slide 9: Various stone shapes containing text are linked by a curving line. The topmost stone reads: Claiming Your Identity

Other stones follow, respectively reading:

No one tells you who you are. You tell them who you are. Who you are does not depend on others.

Know that you do not have to accept harm for the comfort of others.

Ask yourself, "Am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I am afraid of rejection?"

Take small risks, gradually, that allow you to be who you are & build the courage to be disliked.

Work on discovering your Core Self without an audience until you know what you love & who you are.

Slide 10: A comparison between Co-dependence and Interdependence.

The co-dependence pointers remain on a black background, whereas the inter-dependence pointers are enclosed in pencil shaped boxes, which in turn are placed against a rainbow coloured background.

The co-dependence pointers read:

I never develop my own passions or refine my skills because I am living for others

I am jealous & resentful of other people's joy, success, & material possessions

I do not make decisions without people-pleasing & say "yes" when I want to say "no"

I cannot make mistakes because other people will reject, hurt, & abandon me

I become like the people around me & agree with them to fit in & avoid conflict

I manage relationships by controlling or submitting, giving too much or taking too much

The inter-dependence pointers read:

I take the time I need to discover my passions & develop my skills to be fulfilling to me

I do not need to win or be cenetred in order to find value in experiences

I set boundaries & decline to participate if something feels wrong to me

Mistakes are a healthy part of growth & an opportunity to learn & evolve

I do not lose my values or reduce myself to be accepted & don't need others to approve

I give & receive in mutual ways that benefit both me & the people in my life

End ID]

Further Reading from Neuroclastic:

NeuroClastic

On Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Codependency, & Identity: How to get out from behind the masks

Being forced to mask as a matter of existence pushes people into codependency and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and causes them a life