This Looks Super Sketch, But I Would Definitely Contract Him

This looks super sketch, but I would definitely contract him 🤭

so you're anthony j. crowley, long-time exile from heaven and recent exile from hell, and you've finally figured out that the mess of overwhelming and infuriating and intoxicating feelings you've been harboring for the only being in the universe you've ever been able to rely on might, whoopsies, be something a little bit like love. but not love the way you remember heaven loved you, or the way they told you god loved you (they lied), but love like the humans do it: messy, and awkward, and incongruously infinite, and so, so fragile.

and, well. okay, you think. this'll be horrible. embarrassing for both of us, probably. but i'll tell him. you've never been a coward, no matter what the other demons might say. screw your courage to the sticking place, or whatever. macbeth. aziraphale loved that one.

so you talk yourself into it, you gather every scrap of courage and honesty you've got left, and you say, all right, angel, i've got something to say, only aziraphale's got something to say, too, and--

aziraphale doesn't love you back.

or. he does, but he loves the ghost of the angel you used to be, not the person you've made yourself since. he loves you, but he loves you like god did--loves you good, and quiet, and dull. he loves you without your grief, or your anger, without even that first bite of the apple. he wants you like that again, he says. defanged, like the Antichrist's domesticated hellhound.

(you worked for hell for a long time, and for god for a long time before that. you're intimately familiar with what it is to offer someone everything they've ever wanted, and then to twist it, to mutilate it, into an unrecognizable hell of their own choosing. you're not sure why it surprises you anymore. you're not sure why you keep letting the surprises hurt.)

and so you do the thing you've done since the beginning, because you've never been able to stop yourself: you push. you push hard, and you grab him, and he's so angry and you kiss him and you don't think about it, don't think about it, this is the most important temptation of your life, the only one that's ever mattered--

and he forgives you.

so you leave. at least that way you can do it before he does. you've always been a step ahead and to the left; stupid to think this would ever be different. stupid to think he might choose you, with all of heaven and earth spread out in front of him. nothing lasts forever, not even the stars.

he told you that a long time ago.

... I think I'm gonna loose it.

im going to be sick

I'm living now!

babe are you ok? you've been exclusively reblogging posts of bildad the shuhite for the past hour ...

The thing is, Crowley and Aziraphale's problem isn't miscommunication. I'm not the first person to point this out but I see enough posts taking this framing at face value that I feel it's worth saying again.

If Crowley and Aziraphale sat down and talked everything out calmly and rationally without hiding anything and while validating each other's feelings, they would still end up exactly where they are. Because they fundamentally DO NOT AGREE about the problem they're facing or how to address it.

Crowley should have told Aziraphale about apocalypse take two, sure, yeah, but if he had, Aziraphale would have seen it as just another reason to go back to Heaven. He finds out about the second coming and he's horrified but just as resolved in his decision.

Flip side: Aziraphale might have had a hundred good reasons for wanting Crowley to come back with him, none of which boiled down to thinking he was worth less as a demon, but it wouldn't have mattered how eloquently he articulated them. It was always going to be a deal breaker for Crowley.

To be slightly more nuanced about it, there are some things they've been avoiding saying that they really did need to put into words, even though in my opinion they both kind of knew it, already. But the painful fact is that their fight is that in action. Sometimes communicating with someone means exposing the failure points between you (and if you suspect that's going to be the case, that's a very human reason to avoid doing it).

At best, they could maybe have parted with less collateral damage to each other. But the real tragedy of their story is that there was no other way this could have gone. For a long time, their love has been thwarted by the external forces keeping them apart, but also - Aziraphale hasn't Fallen, and Crowley has never expressed any desire to return to Heaven. And just like I think they must have had at least some understanding of the depth of their feelings for each other, I think they must have understood the implications of that too. They're on opposite sides, and even with the danger, it's all very exciting and romantic - until they have to face the fact that the convictions they've held for millennia put them on opposite sides.

So if they're going to move forward together, they can't just talk about it. Crowley's right, actually, they've been talking since before the beginning of time. It isn't enough to understand each other. Together, they're going to have to change. That tentative middle ground between them is going to have to become a place they set down roots, and learn to choose and trust in even when everything else is falling apart.

Listen up!

You see a post like this? Where OP might hurt/kill themselves? You hit that button that I circled

Hit that.

Click Suicide or Self-harm Concern

Yes.

Fill in the rest of it, and hit submit. The "content you reported" will fill itself in

Tumblr will follow up and help them.

Warning: this is only for mobile. If anyone knows how to do this for desktop, please add it!

This could SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE NOT TO REBLOG THIS.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF IT DOESN'T GO WITH YOUR BLOG'S THEME.

And yes, REBLOG. Liking does no shit at all. This isn't ig.

You reblog, people see it. You don't, people don't see it. This shit's that simple.

This could save someone's life. It's not a joke.