My Mother Has Not Been With Me For A Little Over Five Years. I Miss Her So Much.

My mother has not been with me for a little over five years. I miss her so much.

and this is another game that was in the summer, I’ll just leave it here because I like how happy we are here

I decided to re-upload it directly to tumblr, because I really like how it turned out, but it seems to work worse with links (or the video is really crap and I'm wrong). Do you love Yennskier as much as I love them? (watermark is my main nickname🥲)

Thank you for this. I always feel so bad for Jaskier at the end of the book. He was left alone. He lost everyone in an instant

I always believed I would spend the rest of my days with you all, or like we always did, crossing path, sharing adventures, or a meal somewhere, anywhere... We always had something to share.

I would have followed you as long as my legs would have carried me. I would have sung to you as long as my voice would have hold. And then I hoped you would have visited me when I would have been too old... Because you were eternal to mere mortals like me and this was the only good way to end this story. You alive. Me dead.

But today, I am lost. That future won't exist and I don't know what to do. You left me on that bank and disappeared into the mist, when all I wished was lying with them. I understand your feelings, princess, but, if they are not alive, I don't belong with the living either... You know it.

Now, my body seems too heavy to move even if I feel empty, and my heart is too broken to feel anything but pain. I don't know how to sing, because my voice is trapped somewhere.

There is nowhere I feel home anymore. I am just a lost soul on this sphere. So please, come back... or welcome me on the other side. Don't leave me here... alone. I beg of you. This is not fair I have to stay here, in a space full of your absence.

You denied me the right to have a more peaceful end and I saw in your eyes that you will never come back. Maybe we could have mourn together. We didn't have to be alone to face this ordeal, didn't we ?

But maybe you knew that my own pain would be too much to bear and you couldn't see me never heal. Maybe you were right. Maybe that's better that way. But maybe it means that everyone understood, and I was in denial all my life. Maybe my own kind knew from my first breath in this world how unworthy of love I was, and I should have bent before that heart would know the feeling. Maybe that's why in the end, I have to face this alone...

I am sorry, princess, for my bitter words but the wound is too fresh and the fall is hard, because I thought for a short time that I was enough and worth to be part of your family, when clearly it was just a construct of my mind. Also you knew what to say, but this is not fair you used that against me to keep me alive... on this side. Because I will give myself heart and soul to the task you gave me, knowing it will never bring me real peace.

But my letter isn't for that.

Yes, I am bitter that you did that to me, but deep inside I can't blame you and never will. You had too much to endure. This is only pain speaking and I am sorry. I have to find a way to accept things as they are. I need just time. Probably.

This letter is there to enlighten what I should have said before. What I should have say many times. I have to make things right before my own end.

The poet in me wants to believe that you knew how much I love you all. But for the first time in my life I regret I never said those three little words out loud. You are gone and it is too late now. There is no second chances with those kind of things.

I will continue to tell the story of my beloved family to the world as you asked me to, if I can find my voice back, but the world doesn't deserve the words I would say to you only. I will continue to hide them to their eyes and ears, like the most extraordinary things I keep inside.

But for you, I write these words, for the first and the last time. This is a beacon in the dark and the most important thing anyone has to know. And you have to know.

I LOVE YOU.

Your crazy uncle Jaskier.

(Letter found in a empty wine bottle in a lake in Rivia)

Ok new game. What's the thing you're a fan of that you're the most pretentious about. NOT the most pretentious thing you're a fan of, I mean the thing that makes *you* act like one of those "oh yeah? Name five of their albums" people. There is a difference

I really understand you, because I also often come across this. And this also often pushes away from some fandoms. I don't even want to post my arguments in some more public social networks (I don't have anyone I know from real life in tmblr, so I feel a little safe), but I don't write them especially here. I don't want to face waves of aggression. the only thing that saves me is that my husband supports me in my thoughts. the funniest thing is when I start to get carried away at some points (the plot of the second season, I grumbled for a while), in some things he explained to me why they did one way or another. but yes, the toxicity and bile of many people sometimes really hurts. I rub "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words… actually, also hurt"

I wish I was willing to watch things that are enjoyed by everyone right now. I know I would probably enjoy several of these shows. But I simply don't want to watch or to be part of the thing.

My current experience of fandoms isn't very nice (not much in this bubble but more around it - like in general). I just feel strange to like certain things the way I do. I feel they linger longer in me than for most and I can't move on easily.

Yesterday I quitted a stream because the streamer had his mind done already over the game he was playing, and he was trashing every details before even trying to play it. And it reminded me all those witcher video on youtube. Millions of views for trahsing. Ghosting for mixed or positive points of view.

Was it a good game? I don't know, probably not, I don't care anymore. I really didn't want to enter that vibe. So I stepped out.

The fact that he did it, visibly knowing he was gonna hate it, and then finding obviously every stone to throw at it and himself to finally say this is trash and the game was an insult, every way possible, just triggered me bad. Justification. I have to test it, this is my fandom and my work.

Well I guess he feels trapped in something that he doesn't like anymore. That's valid, but why do I have to receive all that passive aggressivity?

The thing is I don't find many places where people enjoy the same things I do. I step out more and more often. Not because they don't like something I enjoy - I am capable to take an opinion -, but the way they don't like, if I make sense.

All details that are like unworthy and so rarely details that are good. Glorifying the bad before pushing the thing out to the bin. To the point where I begin to wonder. Do I really have bad tastes ? Do I have too simple needs to fill? Should I want more ?

So when I see other stuff that I could possibly enjoy, I am like. Hmmm well, how long before people would begin to trash it too ? Do I really want to get invested in something that will follow the same path as everything else that I enjoy ?

The same reason blocks me in writing/finishing my analysis. There are 3 of them rotting in my draft with edits I have made, things that I wanted to talk about, etc. So I put the smallest content. I try to avoid being too enthusiastic.

I am bit jealous that people can invest themselves in several fandoms. Jumping from turmoil to another. For me the transitioning phases look like more like me partying hard in silence. Then just giving up. Then I move on. And eventually pick up something new.

Why do I keep interest in things for so long each time ?! I am talking years there.

I still can't figure out if I am the problem, others are to me or if I just can't adapt to the fast pacing of fandoms.