I Look At My Reflection In The Mirror And I Can't See Me. I Ask Myself 'is That Really Me?'. The Memory

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I can't see me. I ask myself 'is that really me?'. The memory of the first time this happened still haunts me and I relive it over and over and over. Objectively I know that it's me, but when I see my face I can't see me and when I see my body I can't see me, no matter how hard I try. In fact I have a hard time even conceptualizing a holistic image of my outer appearance. Its just all disconnected features, that don't fit together and that, even If I were able to add them up, wouldn't look like me.

I have a special quarrel with my female body. I feel utterly disgusted even by the mere possibility of getting pregnant. I hate the fact that I am able to get pregnant, to an extent that I would probably end my life If I ever did, even If with the option of abortion. Even thinking about it right now is physically painful. My chest hurts and I want to throw up. Just how it looks is upsetting to me as well, but I don't know why.

This has sabotaged all my sexual and thus also all my romantic relationships with men and woman alike. I tends to get with feminine men with long hair, but I ask myself constantly 'what If I don't want to be with them, what If I want to be them?'. What makes it especially suspicious is that I like guys who may look like me If I were male almost to a 't' the same hair and eye color and clothing style, roughly similar in height, weight and facial features. If the men I had dated would have been woman, I would have had dated my doppelganger. Its creepy.

Is it bc it's a female body or is it just bc I hate how it looks? I know I want it to be firmer and skinner, although I way at most 55 kilograms at a height of almost 170 centimeters. Its the same thing yet again: I know I'm not ugly by societal standards bc people have told me so all my life. I know that my face outshines my body by millennia though. But even my face I can't really say I feel like it's beautiful. Its just there.

When I look at myself I don't feel the sensation I usually get when looking at something I find visually pleasing. I wear extravagant or weird clothing and make up, that I think are beautiful, in order to help the disconnect. But its not enough and I come to realize maybe it will never be. I have been living like this ever since I was a pre teen. I turn twenty-one soon. It's been ten years and I'm tired. Sometimes I imagine myself in a male body. Sometimes it gives me a sense of peace, most times it scares me to death.

I have a difficult relationship with being a woman, in the social sense, being assigned female at birth. Being raised as a woman was incredibly painful to me at times, not bc my gender expression, witch was always feminine, clashed with the expectations but my personality did, in a big way. Yet when I look around at other woman I can see the same hurt in their stories. I can see myself in them in a way I will never be able to do with a man. My relationships with woman as a woman are the most defining of my life. Female companionship is life changing. Only among woman I can almost feel what might be called freedom, what might be called peace. I realized: I could never live life as a man. I don't want to live life as a man. But should I be male, am I a man? Maybe non-binary? But what do I do with my body in that case? I don't know, I just don't know. It kills me.

Maybe seek professional help and not rant on tumblr, but one of those costs money and the other is free. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am dysphoric, but I do have genetic dispositions for depression, bipolar and schizophrenia, so who knows. I just know that this can't be normal. Or do other people live like this just fine? In this agony?

As a side note: This was pretty heavy stuff and I am truly and deeply sorry If I failed to tag one of your triggers. If you feel like it just hit me up and I'll add it. I also thought about adding a trans tag but I think I invade your spaces enough already, so please also hit me up If you think I should take a tag off this post.

The most extreme black/death metal bands with album covers and music videos full of upside down crosses and pentagrams WISH they could offend the Christian status quo as much as a Black gay rapper did with a single clip

You haven't read The Second Sex, have you? 'Becoming' a woman is what de Beauvoir critics. The social behaviours of woman, forced upon them by society and men, wich make them into women, are what makes their oppression.

Feminism is not equality, feminism is glory to women. We can’t equate two things that are completely different. We can only admire each sex’s strengths and natural gifts.

Simone De Beauvoir once said: One is not born, but rather becomes a woman. To be a woman is not to call for equality, that’s usually a step down. To be a woman, is to understand your importance and role in this world.

You seriously think Jews are not (perceived to be) of a race different from the white majority groups in European countries? Bc I got bad news for you that societies and especially fascists definitions might differ significantly. Why do you think the Nazis killed German Catholics for no other reason than the fact that they had a single Jewish grandparent? For funsies? What defines that kind of person as an 'other' If not their race/genetics? Culturally they would be the same as anyone else

ykw im actually extremely tired of europeans butting in to conversations about race to say 'actually there is racism against white people in europe :/' cuz no there isnt, yall need to cut it out. there is rampant xenophobia in europe, that is true and its a major problem, but the fact is it would be worse if you werent white. its extremely tone deaf of all of you to make the claim that white people experience racism anywhere when we both know damn well being discriminated against for not being from western europe would be worse if you arent white. as a caribbean native i know this because of the way our diaspora in europe is treated (since theyre both foreigners and nonwhite) and the state of territories like martinique (literally european, still experience discrimination). what you experience isnt fucking racism, and its not comparable to the racism europeans of colour face. just because you experience some discrimination doesnt mean you dont benefit from whiteness and you should all shut the fuck up and realise your hands arent as clean as you seem to think.

this post must be reblogged by everyone

I just had a lecture about gift economies. I thought the gift exchange was highly ritualised and did come with very strong expectations of reciprocity?

the funniest thing in arguments about economics is when someone tries to convince you cavemen were actually mini-capitalists and trading items was the free market or something so capitalism is human nature

I went out with multiple guys like that. I just always ask myself: What did you expect then? That I am just there for you to satisfy your weird fetishes? Is it so inconceivable to you that I have interests and a personality, wich surprise, surprise match my taste in clothing?