I Look At My Reflection In The Mirror And I Can't See Me. I Ask Myself 'is That Really Me?'. The Memory

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I can't see me. I ask myself 'is that really me?'. The memory of the first time this happened still haunts me and I relive it over and over and over. Objectively I know that it's me, but when I see my face I can't see me and when I see my body I can't see me, no matter how hard I try. In fact I have a hard time even conceptualizing a holistic image of my outer appearance. Its just all disconnected features, that don't fit together and that, even If I were able to add them up, wouldn't look like me.

I have a special quarrel with my female body. I feel utterly disgusted even by the mere possibility of getting pregnant. I hate the fact that I am able to get pregnant, to an extent that I would probably end my life If I ever did, even If with the option of abortion. Even thinking about it right now is physically painful. My chest hurts and I want to throw up. Just how it looks is upsetting to me as well, but I don't know why.

This has sabotaged all my sexual and thus also all my romantic relationships with men and woman alike. I tends to get with feminine men with long hair, but I ask myself constantly 'what If I don't want to be with them, what If I want to be them?'. What makes it especially suspicious is that I like guys who may look like me If I were male almost to a 't' the same hair and eye color and clothing style, roughly similar in height, weight and facial features. If the men I had dated would have been woman, I would have had dated my doppelganger. Its creepy.

Is it bc it's a female body or is it just bc I hate how it looks? I know I want it to be firmer and skinner, although I way at most 55 kilograms at a height of almost 170 centimeters. Its the same thing yet again: I know I'm not ugly by societal standards bc people have told me so all my life. I know that my face outshines my body by millennia though. But even my face I can't really say I feel like it's beautiful. Its just there.

When I look at myself I don't feel the sensation I usually get when looking at something I find visually pleasing. I wear extravagant or weird clothing and make up, that I think are beautiful, in order to help the disconnect. But its not enough and I come to realize maybe it will never be. I have been living like this ever since I was a pre teen. I turn twenty-one soon. It's been ten years and I'm tired. Sometimes I imagine myself in a male body. Sometimes it gives me a sense of peace, most times it scares me to death.

I have a difficult relationship with being a woman, in the social sense, being assigned female at birth. Being raised as a woman was incredibly painful to me at times, not bc my gender expression, witch was always feminine, clashed with the expectations but my personality did, in a big way. Yet when I look around at other woman I can see the same hurt in their stories. I can see myself in them in a way I will never be able to do with a man. My relationships with woman as a woman are the most defining of my life. Female companionship is life changing. Only among woman I can almost feel what might be called freedom, what might be called peace. I realized: I could never live life as a man. I don't want to live life as a man. But should I be male, am I a man? Maybe non-binary? But what do I do with my body in that case? I don't know, I just don't know. It kills me.

Maybe seek professional help and not rant on tumblr, but one of those costs money and the other is free. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am dysphoric, but I do have genetic dispositions for depression, bipolar and schizophrenia, so who knows. I just know that this can't be normal. Or do other people live like this just fine? In this agony?

As a side note: This was pretty heavy stuff and I am truly and deeply sorry If I failed to tag one of your triggers. If you feel like it just hit me up and I'll add it. I also thought about adding a trans tag but I think I invade your spaces enough already, so please also hit me up If you think I should take a tag off this post.

I just saw Dune and while I enjoyed the ride this movie just doesn't even come close to what I expected from such a highly praised book series. The political scheming was pretty upfront, simple and painfully spelled out to the audience. I could neither feel the invasion looming, nor was I surprised or shocked when it finally happened. A lot of the emotional moments just fell completely flat and the dialogue was for the most part terrible. The characters motivations and emotions were pretty muddied (not in a good way). Instead of a sense of mystery I felt that the movie didn't know how it wanted to portray its own characters.

I think a lot of these problems have to do with pacing, compared to the astonishing amount of events and characters that are introduced to us, there is shockingly little setup or building to any of them. Instead the film is littered with scenes that just feel unnecessary and say nothing or at least not something we didn't already know.

And yes the movie was humorless, but that's fine with me. They should have committed and cut out the scene with Jason Momoa as well. Not a single person in the packed theater laughed at that cheap 'joke'.

Furthermore Dune wasn't that weird, sure it has some unique ideas, gotta love the sandworms, the fremen and the gene besserit. The inherent evils of colonization and fucked up eugenics are unusual, yet very relevant themes. Aside from that nothing we haven't seen before, but I am open to be surprised by the sequels.

There were some things I really enjoyed about the movie. First and foremost it looked beautiful. I don't regret spending 12 bucks to go see it in theater at all. And although it didn't really spark any special passions in my heart it had me on the edge of my seat for a good amount of the runtime. All in all enjoyable, but nothing special with very little rewatch value

reviews that complain about Dune being bleak and humorless make me want to throw myself against a brick wall.

listen.

Dune is not for everybody. there are many people who won't enjoy it, many who will think it's weird and strange, and whatever. and that's fine. there plenty of valid criticisms of the movie out there, but sweetheart, this ain't one of them.

hollywood's obsession with making mass profits off of movies that passively amuse and entertain people has brainwashed most of the movie-going population into thinking that all good sci-fi/action/adventure movies must have comedic overtones, and that humor is the only way to engage with a movie and its characters (looking at you marvel). i laughed maybe TWICE during the entirety of Dune and i was more invested in the characters and the story than i was with the last three star wars movies.

Dune is a political-thriller space opera. it's an EPIC. it's bleak because jihad and exploitation are its central themes. inserting comedy into the film would have been an enormous disservice to the story and its themes.

we finally got a blockbuster movie that's refreshingly innovative and unique and y'all are whining because it doesn't fit your expectations based on years and years of consuming formulaic, action = humor media. i am going to scream.

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl

- Wish You Where Here by Pink Floyd

I always have to think about that song when I read those lines and then my eyes start wandering around my bedroom. There is an illustration on my wall. It shows two gold fish each in their own little tank, trying to kiss but never touching. It's titled 'Romeo and Juliet'.

You seriously think Jews are not (perceived to be) of a race different from the white majority groups in European countries? Bc I got bad news for you that societies and especially fascists definitions might differ significantly. Why do you think the Nazis killed German Catholics for no other reason than the fact that they had a single Jewish grandparent? For funsies? What defines that kind of person as an 'other' If not their race/genetics? Culturally they would be the same as anyone else

ykw im actually extremely tired of europeans butting in to conversations about race to say 'actually there is racism against white people in europe :/' cuz no there isnt, yall need to cut it out. there is rampant xenophobia in europe, that is true and its a major problem, but the fact is it would be worse if you werent white. its extremely tone deaf of all of you to make the claim that white people experience racism anywhere when we both know damn well being discriminated against for not being from western europe would be worse if you arent white. as a caribbean native i know this because of the way our diaspora in europe is treated (since theyre both foreigners and nonwhite) and the state of territories like martinique (literally european, still experience discrimination). what you experience isnt fucking racism, and its not comparable to the racism europeans of colour face. just because you experience some discrimination doesnt mean you dont benefit from whiteness and you should all shut the fuck up and realise your hands arent as clean as you seem to think.

this post must be reblogged by everyone

Couldn't agree more. The movie was enjoyable, yet still a huge let down. A YouTuber I'm subscribed to mostly for AOIAF content really praised the book series and also mentioned in one of his videos how Pauls character is not a hero but a cautionary tale. The movie may have hinted at this with Paul's religious war dream/vision. I just hope this dose not turn out to be some weird good vs. evil colonizer narrative after all, but I don't really have high expectations on that end...

reviews that complain about Dune being bleak and humorless make me want to throw myself against a brick wall.

listen.

Dune is not for everybody. there are many people who won't enjoy it, many who will think it's weird and strange, and whatever. and that's fine. there plenty of valid criticisms of the movie out there, but sweetheart, this ain't one of them.

hollywood's obsession with making mass profits off of movies that passively amuse and entertain people has brainwashed most of the movie-going population into thinking that all good sci-fi/action/adventure movies must have comedic overtones, and that humor is the only way to engage with a movie and its characters (looking at you marvel). i laughed maybe TWICE during the entirety of Dune and i was more invested in the characters and the story than i was with the last three star wars movies.

Dune is a political-thriller space opera. it's an EPIC. it's bleak because jihad and exploitation are its central themes. inserting comedy into the film would have been an enormous disservice to the story and its themes.

we finally got a blockbuster movie that's refreshingly innovative and unique and y'all are whining because it doesn't fit your expectations based on years and years of consuming formulaic, action = humor media. i am going to scream.