Body Dysmorphia - Tumblr Posts

Finally finished this piece about the toxic beauty standards imposed by my parents while growing up. Painting all those eyes felt both meditating and drove me insane.

TW: child abuse

I included some of the comments my family has made about my appearance over the years, some of which are contradicting, just to show how impossible it was to please their toxic beauty standards. To them, I was always too skinny and too fat at 115lb. And being 5'6 was too short.

My mom told me to get plastic surgery for my monolid eyes, because only double lidded eyes are considered beautiful by Chinese standards. She pointed to her friend's daughter, who did get plastic surgery for her entire face, and said how much better the girl looked, how I should be like that.

My dad commented on my flat chest, asking how come my mom has boobs while I don't. My stepmom pointed out the frown lines around my lips, saying I don't smile enough. My stepmom always bullied me to the point of crying (by calling my mom a whore and such), so she knows exactly why I don't smile enough. My stepdad said my personality is too horrible to get a normal job, so I would have to prostitute myself, but that I'm too ugly to get clients so I would starve. When I told my mom what he said, she told me to stop lying.

After a lot of therapy for my CPTSD, I can look back and realize that they were the ugly ones, in all sense of the word. But for so long I had such little self-esteem, I would avoid photos. At my first artist alley over a decade ago, fans of my art wanted photos with me but I was too ashamed of myself to accept. I've improved a lot and no longer fear being photographed. I still struggle with other aspects of my childhood abuse (a story for a different day), but with each passing year I feel like I'm regaining bits of myself.

___

A peek of the painting process, the full hours long videos will be DMed on my Patreon on Sep 5th

I feel like a fucking whale

My depression has turned me into a completely different person

TW DR*G RELATED

Have you ever got high on Xanax? It seems like not affect me

Can you lose 4 kg in a month without exercising? I really need to know if its possible

I nearly passed out today I guess I need to increase my calorie intake which sucks

Im 8 days binge free which is a big accomplishment for me

Guys, I'm finally back here after a while of absence I’ve been eating so much shit but eventually got myself up and start restricting today it's so hard to show up at gatherings or any parties because of the weight gain however I will keep my calm and carry on

This!

I am constantly in this vicious cycle of falling asleep at 6 in the morning and then waking up at 3 or 4 in the afternoon after that I almost do nothing just laying on my bed scrolling through social media I just won’t be able to reach my goals with this routine especially losing weight cause I have no physical activity It's just getting outta hand

I’m finally back here but guess what

No fucking weight loss!

I’m still trying

Never give up

Won’t give up

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I can't see me. I ask myself 'is that really me?'. The memory of the first time this happened still haunts me and I relive it over and over and over. Objectively I know that it's me, but when I see my face I can't see me and when I see my body I can't see me, no matter how hard I try. In fact I have a hard time even conceptualizing a holistic image of my outer appearance. Its just all disconnected features, that don't fit together and that, even If I were able to add them up, wouldn't look like me.

I have a special quarrel with my female body. I feel utterly disgusted even by the mere possibility of getting pregnant. I hate the fact that I am able to get pregnant, to an extent that I would probably end my life If I ever did, even If with the option of abortion. Even thinking about it right now is physically painful. My chest hurts and I want to throw up. Just how it looks is upsetting to me as well, but I don't know why.

This has sabotaged all my sexual and thus also all my romantic relationships with men and woman alike. I tends to get with feminine men with long hair, but I ask myself constantly 'what If I don't want to be with them, what If I want to be them?'. What makes it especially suspicious is that I like guys who may look like me If I were male almost to a 't' the same hair and eye color and clothing style, roughly similar in height, weight and facial features. If the men I had dated would have been woman, I would have had dated my doppelganger. Its creepy.

Is it bc it's a female body or is it just bc I hate how it looks? I know I want it to be firmer and skinner, although I way at most 55 kilograms at a height of almost 170 centimeters. Its the same thing yet again: I know I'm not ugly by societal standards bc people have told me so all my life. I know that my face outshines my body by millennia though. But even my face I can't really say I feel like it's beautiful. Its just there.

When I look at myself I don't feel the sensation I usually get when looking at something I find visually pleasing. I wear extravagant or weird clothing and make up, that I think are beautiful, in order to help the disconnect. But its not enough and I come to realize maybe it will never be. I have been living like this ever since I was a pre teen. I turn twenty-one soon. It's been ten years and I'm tired. Sometimes I imagine myself in a male body. Sometimes it gives me a sense of peace, most times it scares me to death.

I have a difficult relationship with being a woman, in the social sense, being assigned female at birth. Being raised as a woman was incredibly painful to me at times, not bc my gender expression, witch was always feminine, clashed with the expectations but my personality did, in a big way. Yet when I look around at other woman I can see the same hurt in their stories. I can see myself in them in a way I will never be able to do with a man. My relationships with woman as a woman are the most defining of my life. Female companionship is life changing. Only among woman I can almost feel what might be called freedom, what might be called peace. I realized: I could never live life as a man. I don't want to live life as a man. But should I be male, am I a man? Maybe non-binary? But what do I do with my body in that case? I don't know, I just don't know. It kills me.

Maybe seek professional help and not rant on tumblr, but one of those costs money and the other is free. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am dysphoric, but I do have genetic dispositions for depression, bipolar and schizophrenia, so who knows. I just know that this can't be normal. Or do other people live like this just fine? In this agony?

As a side note: This was pretty heavy stuff and I am truly and deeply sorry If I failed to tag one of your triggers. If you feel like it just hit me up and I'll add it. I also thought about adding a trans tag but I think I invade your spaces enough already, so please also hit me up If you think I should take a tag off this post.

DEAR INTERIOR DESIGNERS

Please stop putting mirrors in plain view of the shower / bath

Love,

Trans people & anyone with body dysmorphia

..and anyone who gets rly freaking annoyed when the mirror fogs

body dysmorphia + weight gain due to illness - finally starting to recover from five years of eating disorder = hell

(plus we've been in a dress tonight and goddddd I cannot deal with this...)

The Rebirth - March 2023

This started as a vent art At this point in the campaign I was going through a depressive episode and what was supposed to be a turning point in my character's journey made things even worse and things didn't get better even after the story ended. So it was both a vent for me in my personal life and for him. He became a character through which I could explore my self image issues, but it kind of got ruined for me. ( However I was so attached to him at this point I found a different group and gave him a fresh start with a new name, and modified backstory. And so far it's going well. I didn’t want to end this rant on a negative note. )

i want to go back to sleeping the whole entire day because i lost so much weight when i did

Latest art.

Today I was told to go through a small space and surprised myself when I fit through it and I don't know if that means I lost weight or if my body dysm0rph1@ is just worse than I thought.

The fear of gaining weight is eating me from the inside.